so last night... i decided to leave chris a message
letting him know i didn't wanna do this shit anymore
so i could have some closure. my message said some
shit like "i'm just calling to say that i'm really
tired of being disappointed by you and i don't wanna
go through it any more so i think we should just stop
talking. ima just take your advice and try to find a
real boyfriend, i'm sure you understand" (cuz i mean
SHIT, he's always telling me that i don't need to be
fuckin wit him cuz he can't do shit for me & he
doesn't have time n blah blah blah so you would think
if i finally take his ADVICE he would accept it) but
no. of course it can't just be simple. he called me
at about 4 am and woke me up hella angry, like "WHAT
THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT YOU LEFT ON MY VOICEMAIL" and i
was like well u listened to it didn't you? and he's
like yea what the fuck is this bullshit you talkin
bout... and i was like, i'm just tired... of goin
through this with you... and i don't wanna deal with
it any more. and he was like oh so you a fuckin liar.
how the fuck are you gonna tell me you love- care
about me and then leave me some bullshit like that?
oh you found somebody else? who you fuckin emma? you
found some otha nigga so now you don't need me? is
that it? i knew you were a fuckin liar. i was like,
what the fuck i'm not lying to you chris. (and of
course i was hella crying cuz even though i don't
wanna fuck with him anymore of course i still love him
and it hurts for him to accuse me of that shit when
i'm not even like that & even though we aren't even IN
a fuckin relationship and he constantly TELLS me to
find somebody else, i still always waited for him no
matter how long it was...) i was like, chris i do
care... but i can't keep going through this... he was
like YOU DON'T CARE YOU A FUCKIN LIAR.... i was like
no i'm NOT. and he was like fuck it you made up your
mind so fuck it don't ever talk to me again, from now
on i don't know you... whatever. whatever. fuckin
liar. and i wa slike, it's not even like that chris!!
and he got it all twisted around so i was feeling
guilty... but then he said he was gonna come over
tomorrow at 2 and i was like no... cuz it's just gonna
be the same shit... and he got mad and called me a
liaR AND HE was hella mad yelling at me the whole
time... talking about i'm fucked up cuz if i cared i
would keep trying to make it work and shit... it was
so horrible... and it hurt so bad... cuz even though i
DO NOT wanna fuck with him anymore... i do still love
him... it's not easy to let go, and i didn't wanna end
on bad terms. but he hung up on me. andat first i
called back to leave him a message that was like "i do
love you and i never told you that shit cuz u don't
love me back and this is bullshit... i don't fuckin
know wtf..." but then i called my friend ashley, and
my mom, and talked to them... and then i was like NO.
i'm not gonna let him manipulate me & get me back into
the same shit again cuz i can't keep going through it.
it's not healthy emotionally or mentally and i can't
do it anymore. so i called back and left him another
message, like " you know what. i had it right at
first. i do care about you... and i been trying to
make it work for the last 7 months... pretending
everything is okay... but it's NOT. i'm not happy
being just your fuck buddy... i wan't a relationship
and that's something you can't give me. so i am
wasting my time. and i can't do it anymore. i can't.
i'm done." i thought that was that. but he called
me today at 1, talkin bout he was gonna come over @ 2
am. i was like, what? no. and he was like cuz u a
liar. you don't care blah blah blah. i was like stop
sayin that shit cuz it's bullshit. he was like, no u
fucked up... u just wanna take the easy way out... and
i was like CHRIS. i have TRIED so fuckin hard to make
shit okay. if i didn't have feelings for you, i
would have BEEN LEFT. i would have left when i first
called u and heard you arguing with that bitch, and
you made up some bullshit story which i pretended to
believe cuz i didn't wanna let go... or all those
times when i called you can you hung up cuz u were
obviously with some female & you didn't want us to
hear eachother... i ignored that shit cuz i wanted so
badly for everything to be okay. when you had your
friend mike tell me you didn't wanna fuck with me
anymore in september, with no fuckin explanation, and
then changed your mind and came back the next week, i
let you... because i wanted so badly for things to be
okay. BUT IT'S NOT OKAY. I DON'T ANNA BE JUST YOUR
FUCKIN FUCK BUDDY that you call every now and then for
some pussy and then be on your way. I WAN'T A REAL
RELATIONSHIP AND THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN GIVE ME.
and he was like, cuz emma, i work. and i wa slike i
know you work all the time, but regardless of the
reason, you can't be there for me. i don't fit into
your life... and i can't deal with this anymore. i
don't wanna be just a fuck buddy. and he was like,
you aren't. and i wa slike yes i am chris cuz that's
all we do. we don't have a relarionship. we don't go
out, you don't call jsut to talk... etc... and he was
like yea cuz all u wanna do is fuck. i was like i
like to fuck but that isn't all i want and you know
it. you just aren't willing to be there for me. and
he was all that my expectations are too high and
shit.. and i wa slike no they aren't. and regardless.
you can';t or won't give me what i need and i'm hella
unhappy and i don't wanna do this anymore, i'm tired
of hurting. i love you, but i can't keep going
thorugh this. it feels hella empty. i wan't a
relationship, and if i keep fuckin wit you it's not
gonna happen. shit isn't gonna change... and he kept
sayin i was fuckin with somebody else, and i was like
NO I'M NOT. but shit chris, you alwasy tell me how i
should find me a boyfriend, cuz you can't be there for
me, and ima make somebody else hella happy one day,
and all that shit... what, you didn't mean that? and
he was like, sometimes... and was like ok, so wtf...
you can't give me what i need mentally & emotionally
(really not physically either wtf... 15 minutes of sex
every couples weeks? [i didn't mention that tho])
i'm like all you ever do is tell me i don't need to be
fuckin wit u & i should find somebody else and then
when i decide i need to take your advice you come at
me like this??? i want a RELATIONSHIP. and we don't
have one./ and he was like cuz i'm always on the
road... what, what can you do for me? are u gonna
cooke for me? do my laundry? and i was like wtf
chris... that's not a relationship... i'm not your
BITCH. and i don't wanna be. i wan't a relationship
which is something that we don't ahev and we aren't
gonna have and it's not gonna change so regardless of
how much i love you, i need to let go. i need to end
it now cuz if it goes on longer it's just gonna make
it harder for me and be more pain and heartache in the
end. and he was like, ima come over at 2. be ready.
and i was like WHAT?? no. chris aren't you listening
to me.... and he was like yea but u aint listening to
me, ima come over at 2. and i was like why, we gone
talk? and he was like, were gonna talk, and then
we're gonna fuck. and i was like no, chris... we
can't. i don't wanna fcuk any more. i need to let
go, and seeing you isn't gonna help. that's just
gonna fuck with my head and make it harder, but i know
this i s what i need to do. cuz i care about you, i
do... but... i just can't keep going through this. if
i let you come over, and we fuck... shit is just gonna
go back to the same way it was and i don't wanna do
this anymore. i can't. it's just gonna hella fuck
with ym emotions. i can't. and then he hung up. and
i was like i guess he finally got the message. and i
was sad but relieved. BUT THEN he fuckin text
messaged me, talkin bout "ima be there at 2". and i
wrote back saying, no don't come. and he didn't
respond. so i hope he doesn't try to come anyway.
cuz i really can't deal with seeing him right now it's
just gonna hella fuck with my head an my emotions.
cuz i know this is what i need to do. for the sake of
my own fuckin sanity. i need to stop fuckin with him.
and i';m hella trying to supress my emotions, but if
i see him it's just gonna bring everything back up and
ima just wanna be in his arms and pretened everything
is okay but it's NOT OKAY and i can;t keep doing this
and i don't wanna see him cuz if i see him and think
it's just for "one last time" it won't be it's just
gonna keep going on and on and i can't deal with it
anymore. i feel so bad. and i don't wanna hurt him.
but at the same time, he's been hurting ME for the
last 7 months... and he never gave a fuck. he knows
he's done me hella worng but he always has some
bullshit to say, or he just brushes it off. so why
should i care about his feelings? well becvause i'm a
loving caring emotional person. but for once in my
fuckin life i need to stop putting other peoples
feelings before mine because this shit is NOT okay,
and i need to just be done with him... and just get
over it. cuz i'm FINE without him. i'm beeter off
without him. but when he calls me and says these
things it just fucks with me. and i can't let him.
it needs to be over. this is hard for me but i know
i'm better off without him. and i need to be strong
and not give in to his manipulative ways. i just hope
he doesn't decide to come over anyway. cuz i cannot
deal with seeing him. over the phone, i can stand my
ground. but in person, he has like this power over
me. and i just need him to go away. i'm not happy
about this, but the thought of it really just being
done makes me very relieved. cuz being involved with
him was is so fuckin stressful and hard and
emotionally just... devastating. i can't let him come
back and put me through it again. i can't. my mom
said if he comes over just don't open the door...
ashley said so too. and it's good advice but i have
my stupid feelings i'll feel bad n i don't wanna be
mean, and i just keep wanting to explain myself so
he'll understand.... but he doesn't understand.. or he
won't accept what i'm trying to say. even though he
knows he's fucked up. i guess maybe i hurt his pride.
he wants to always have the last word. like... he
can cut me off any time and not give a fuck, but if i
finally decidee to let go then all of a sudden i
become the villian, what the fuck kind of fucked up
shit is that? he didn't give a fuck last fall when he
randomly got sick of me and had his friend tell me
over the phone that he was koo while i cried my eyes
out... and for whatever reaosn he cahnged his mind
then and came back and i was so happy i let him even
though i sdhopuldn't have... cuz i wanted it to be
okay. but it's not okay. and i need to let go. cuz
if i keep fuckin with him he's just gonna keep making
me feel like shit and it's not worth it. i keep
trying to hold on but theres nothing to hold on to.
it's nothing there. and he doesn't give a fuck... he
just doesn't want me to have the last word. he wants
to be the "man" and have all the fuckin control. i
hate him. if he really cared about me at all he would
just let me go... but i'm not giving in this time.
i'm really done. i can't go back to how it was. i can't.
