Why your team sucks 2012: San Francisco 49ers

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Jan 11, 2006
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grouchoweed.ipbfree.com
#1
I did not write this article, and I have nothing against the 49ers, but it's funny and pretty much true:

http://deadspin.com/5930455/why-you...-francisco-49ers?tag=why-your-team-sucks-2012

Drew Magary

Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. Deep down, you know that NFC Title Game Alex Smith is the REAL Alex Smith. Goddamn, the Niners are loaded. The front seven is arguably the best in football, AND they get to play six games against the Rams, Cardinals and Seahawks, all of whom ranked in the top 4 of sacks allowed last season (as we noted here before, the NFC West is where offensive line play goes to die). They also upgraded the receiving corps, added touchdown vulture and professional helmet-putter Brandon Jacobs to the backfield, drafted LaMichael James to become Darren Sproles Jr., and they still have freakshow Vernon Davis catching seam routes down the middle of the field. This team could easily make it to the Super Bowl...

EXCEPT that Alex Smith is still hanging around. Smith's vintage performance against the Saints in last season's divisional playoff will end up hurting the Niners in the long term, because it made it that much harder to rid themselves of Smith for good. The real Alex Smith is a skittish backup with tyrannosaurus hands and a penchant for underperforming against competent defenses. There's a certain tragedy in seeing a roster this good become co-dependent with Alex Smith for success. Some teams have the misfortune of seeing peak roster years coincide with off-peak quarterbacking years, and vice versa. You don't want that. You want your years of good quarterbacking to coincide with your years of having a talented roster. Otherwise, your good roster goes to waste on an average QB, and by the time you've corrected your QB problem, the roster is dogshit again. Jim Harbaugh was this close to sacking up and bringing in Peyton Manning, but he just couldn't do it. That'll sting when Smith hangs a 12-26 fartjob in another playoff game.

2. "Randy Moss has never looked better!" You're gonna hear that a lot this month, because that's what Randy Moss does. He shows up to camp, looks real fast running against air, and then promptly spends the regular season buffing his nails on every weakside play. In a perfect world, Moss plays the slot, runs way downfield on every play, and either catches a bomb or clears out enough space for receivers like Davis and Mario Manningham to catch 15-yard passes again and again. That's what his coaches jack off to at night. In reality, Moss ends up spitting on the help and expecting a moving walkway to escort him down the field. He's also old as balls now.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter S @swords magary and email him at drew[USER=41433]@dead[/USER]spin.com.

3. The ballad of Kyle Williams. I feel awful for Kyle Williams. Anyone who has ever failed in life surely felt heartbroken for Williams when he committed those two crucial turnovers that handed the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl. You know that Williams thinks about that game every day and every night. You know that he tries to distract himself by thinking of other things, and maybe hanging out with his family. And sure, maybe he can block it out for a moment, and find time for a smile or a laugh. But deep down, Williams must feel as if those smiles are counterfeit, that he'll never truly be right until he can get on the field and MAKE things right. And even if he does make it on the field, there's no guarantee he'll be able to atone for his mistakes. It must crush Williams to know that this could haunt him forever, and that coldhearted fans may never let him forget it. I feel for him. I really do. I hope he succeeds and has a wonderful life.

But seriously though, the Niners should have cut his ass. You can't have Mr. Butterfingers cluttering up your roster.

4. You dormant Niners fans should be ashamed of yourselves. I know you, Niners fan. You gave up on the team after all those years of John York buttbungling one of the NFL's premiere franchises. You lit out the second Dennis Erickson was hired. I don't blame you. Dennis Erickson will do that to a man. But the second this team showed signs of life last season, you came right back into the fold and acted like you'd never left. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. I know that you spent the past decade ignoring football in favor of patrolling farmer's markets for organic rhubarb for your Vietnamese taco truck and I will not sit here and listen to you BULLSHIT THE WORLD about how you never lost faith. You don't deserve a defense this nasty. You deserve an exquisitely fragile finesse team that can't run the ball and gives up 79 points in any game with playoff implications. Also, Chris Berman still loves your stupid team and I can't abide that.

5. Hear it Niners fans!

Nick:

Because they blew five chances to beat an inferior team at home in the NFC Championship game. And deep down, every fan knows they won't get that far again this year. Also, Alex Smith. (sigh)

Taint Nuttin:

Harbaugh will assumedly be your No. 1 reason for hating the Niners, seeing as how he's a complete jackass and all. Really looking forward to the wheels falling off that team so we can find out exactly what the difference is between him and Singletary, because it might not be much. His rah-rah bullshit and weird desire to go the extra mile in shoving his lies down our throats that we witnessed when he embarrassed himself in the Peyton Manning sweepstakes has been noted nationally.

But what has completely flown under everybody's radar, with an assist from the homer-iffic SF sports media, is that he got a lot of play for giving some locker room speech about the only thing he won't tolerate from his players is the abuse of women. This was referenced often last season to illustrate what a stand-up guy he is, different from the others don't you know! And what happens this off-season? He signs fucking Perrish Cox immediately after he was acquitted of sexual assault, despite the abundant physical evidence and damning testimony from Demaryius Thomas. I mean it was like the day or two after the trial concluded... he probably still had cuff-marks on his wrists.

And if it isn't, reason #2 for hating the Niners should be their fans. They are without a doubt the worst fan base on the West Coast aside from Lakers fans. Their general fair-weather nature is not a secret. SF is a baseball town. Nobody gives a shit about the Niners until it's mid-December and they're winning. It really is like night and day. If they make the playoffs again this year I will stick my head in the oven before I venture to the Financial District.

The bandwagon rolls hard in this town. And while we're generalizing, Niners fans have this weird thing going on where they're sticking to their old guns from the DeBartolo era with the "Winning With Class" mantra, but years of playing second-fiddle in the heart department to Raiders fans has led to them overcompensating for their insecurity and puffing their chests out like a bunch of wine-and-cheese tough guys. There were firearm incidents at each of their first two preseason games last year. But the best example is their rallying cry last season, which was an awful club rap "song" that was just some dude repeating "Tony Montana" over and over again which was played in their shitty broken down stadium every time they kicked off. It made the corny songs Ice Cube has been doing for the Raiders sound like lost tracks from Death Certificate.

I implore you to mention the Perrish Cox signing, as I am a small man.

Corey:

Justin Smith has an Anheuser-Busch tattoo on his bicep.

William:

Aldon Smith got a DUI, then he got stabbed at his own party. That has to be some sort of accomplishment akin to hitting for the cycle in baseball.
 
Dec 9, 2005
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#4
I did not write this article, and I have nothing against the 49ers, but it's funny and pretty much true:

http://deadspin.com/5930455/why-you...-francisco-49ers?tag=why-your-team-sucks-2012

Drew Magary

Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. Deep down, you know that NFC Title Game Alex Smith is the REAL Alex Smith. Goddamn, the Niners are loaded. The front seven is arguably the best in football, AND they get to play six games against the Rams, Cardinals and Seahawks, all of whom ranked in the top 4 of sacks allowed last season (as we noted here before, the NFC West is where offensive line play goes to die). They also upgraded the receiving corps, added touchdown vulture and professional helmet-putter Brandon Jacobs to the backfield, drafted LaMichael James to become Darren Sproles Jr., and they still have freakshow Vernon Davis catching seam routes down the middle of the field. This team could easily make it to the Super Bowl...

EXCEPT that Alex Smith is still hanging around. Smith's vintage performance against the Saints in last season's divisional playoff will end up hurting the Niners in the long term, because it made it that much harder to rid themselves of Smith for good. The real Alex Smith is a skittish backup with tyrannosaurus hands and a penchant for underperforming against competent defenses. There's a certain tragedy in seeing a roster this good become co-dependent with Alex Smith for success. Some teams have the misfortune of seeing peak roster years coincide with off-peak quarterbacking years, and vice versa. You don't want that. You want your years of good quarterbacking to coincide with your years of having a talented roster. Otherwise, your good roster goes to waste on an average QB, and by the time you've corrected your QB problem, the roster is dogshit again. Jim Harbaugh was this close to sacking up and bringing in Peyton Manning, but he just couldn't do it. That'll sting when Smith hangs a 12-26 fartjob in another playoff game.
Tell us something we don't know.

I'll say this time and time again, we know that Alex Smith isn't Drew Brees...that isn't our style of football anyways.

Also, I'm curious as to what this author would suggest doing in terms of upgrading our QB position. It isn't like a team is going to give up a top 10 QB or you're going to find a top 10 QB via free agency.

Alex Smith is the best QB on our roster, and I'd argue the best one available realistically to the 49ers. I trust in Jim Harbaugh's QB evaluation over this no name blogger any day.


2. "Randy Moss has never looked better!" You're gonna hear that a lot this month, because that's what Randy Moss does. He shows up to camp, looks real fast running against air, and then promptly spends the regular season buffing his nails on every weakside play. In a perfect world, Moss plays the slot, runs way downfield on every play, and either catches a bomb or clears out enough space for receivers like Davis and Mario Manningham to catch 15-yard passes again and again. That's what his coaches jack off to at night. In reality, Moss ends up spitting on the help and expecting a moving walkway to escort him down the field. He's also old as balls now.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter S @swords magary and email him at drew[USER=41433]@dead[/USER]spin.com.
I don't know of any knowledgable 49er fan who has unrealistic expectations for Moss. He's past his prime, and hasn't played NFL football for almost 2 years. The 49ers coaching staff have already stated that Moss will only be playing 20-25 snaps a game. We run our offense through the running game, and even if Moss is at 75% of what he once was, he will be a welcome addition.



3. The ballad of Kyle Williams. I feel awful for Kyle Williams. Anyone who has ever failed in life surely felt heartbroken for Williams when he committed those two crucial turnovers that handed the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl. You know that Williams thinks about that game every day and every night. You know that he tries to distract himself by thinking of other things, and maybe hanging out with his family. And sure, maybe he can block it out for a moment, and find time for a smile or a laugh. But deep down, Williams must feel as if those smiles are counterfeit, that he'll never truly be right until he can get on the field and MAKE things right. And even if he does make it on the field, there's no guarantee he'll be able to atone for his mistakes. It must crush Williams to know that this could haunt him forever, and that coldhearted fans may never let him forget it. I feel for him. I really do. I hope he succeeds and has a wonderful life.

But seriously though, the Niners should have cut his ass. You can't have Mr. Butterfingers cluttering up your roster.
No one pays more attention to their team than a fan of the team, and it's obvious this blogger only watched the NFC Championship game.

Kyle Williams was a rookie, who showed loads of potential as a receiver, and yes, even as a return man (minus the NFC Championship of course).

He showed great quickness, and very good hands throughout the season, plus he also showed that he is a pretty good blocker too.

For example: On Alex Smith's 30 yard TD run in the divisional playoff game, Kyle Williams' crack back block made that run even possible. People blaming him for 'losing' the NFC Championship game should know that we probably wouldn't even have been there without him.


4. You dormant Niners fans should be ashamed of yourselves. I know you, Niners fan. You gave up on the team after all those years of John York buttbungling one of the NFL's premiere franchises. You lit out the second Dennis Erickson was hired. I don't blame you. Dennis Erickson will do that to a man. But the second this team showed signs of life last season, you came right back into the fold and acted like you'd never left. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. I know that you spent the past decade ignoring football in favor of patrolling farmer's markets for organic rhubarb for your Vietnamese taco truck and I will not sit here and listen to you BULLSHIT THE WORLD about how you never lost faith. You don't deserve a defense this nasty. You deserve an exquisitely fragile finesse team that can't run the ball and gives up 79 points in any game with playoff implications. Also, Chris Berman still loves your stupid team and I can't abide that.
Spoken like a true douchebag. Real Niner fans know the real deal: We've stuck around through the decade of shittiness. This guy sounds like some fucking pimple faced dweeb who sits on his cracked leather couch with his pug and writes these idiotic blogs to stir the pot.
5. Hear it Niners fans!

Nick:

Because they blew five chances to beat an inferior team at home in the NFC Championship game. And deep down, every fan knows they won't get that far again this year. Also, Alex Smith. (sigh)

Taint Nuttin:

Harbaugh will assumedly be your No. 1 reason for hating the Niners, seeing as how he's a complete jackass and all. Really looking forward to the wheels falling off that team so we can find out exactly what the difference is between him and Singletary, because it might not be much. His rah-rah bullshit and weird desire to go the extra mile in shoving his lies down our throats that we witnessed when he embarrassed himself in the Peyton Manning sweepstakes has been noted nationally.

But what has completely flown under everybody's radar, with an assist from the homer-iffic SF sports media, is that he got a lot of play for giving some locker room speech about the only thing he won't tolerate from his players is the abuse of women. This was referenced often last season to illustrate what a stand-up guy he is, different from the others don't you know! And what happens this off-season? He signs fucking Perrish Cox immediately after he was acquitted of sexual assault, despite the abundant physical evidence and damning testimony from Demaryius Thomas. I mean it was like the day or two after the trial concluded... he probably still had cuff-marks on his wrists.

And if it isn't, reason #2 for hating the Niners should be their fans. They are without a doubt the worst fan base on the West Coast aside from Lakers fans. Their general fair-weather nature is not a secret. SF is a baseball town. Nobody gives a shit about the Niners until it's mid-December and they're winning. It really is like night and day. If they make the playoffs again this year I will stick my head in the oven before I venture to the Financial District.

The bandwagon rolls hard in this town. And while we're generalizing, Niners fans have this weird thing going on where they're sticking to their old guns from the DeBartolo era with the "Winning With Class" mantra, but years of playing second-fiddle in the heart department to Raiders fans has led to them overcompensating for their insecurity and puffing their chests out like a bunch of wine-and-cheese tough guys. There were firearm incidents at each of their first two preseason games last year. But the best example is their rallying cry last season, which was an awful club rap "song" that was just some dude repeating "Tony Montana" over and over again which was played in their shitty broken down stadium every time they kicked off. It made the corny songs Ice Cube has been doing for the Raiders sound like lost tracks from Death Certificate.

I implore you to mention the Perrish Cox signing, as I am a small man.

Corey:

Justin Smith has an Anheuser-Busch tattoo on his bicep.

William:

Aldon Smith got a DUI, then he got stabbed at his own party. That has to be some sort of accomplishment akin to hitting for the cycle in baseball.
LOL, who the fuck are these clowns?!

I get that the intention of this 'article' was to piss people off, but these clowns didn't tell us anything we didn't know.
 

DubbC415

Mickey Fallon
Sep 10, 2002
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Tomato Alley
#5
^^^^agreed, but Kyle Williams was not a rookie. He played in 5 games in 2010.

And I love how people rip on the Niners by referencing food and city culture. The fuck does that have to do with how a football team plays?
 
Dec 12, 2006
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#6
I thought that article sucked, and if I were to bring up weak points it would have not been any of those

I have lived through the first rebuilding era of the 49ers since the 70's, when my ole man sold his season tickets, fuck u ole man, anyway Alex, Franky, and VD have been there for the darkest of times and I have never heard one of them bitch about it once and thats all I ask for.

If you want we can recall the godawful talent we have had at WR and O line and secondary over the years just to remind you how garage we were in case there is someone out there who thinks we were a playoff caliber team from 2005-2010

Also I have heard the comment, here and around town that its kendall hunters time to take the torch

Fuck that, this has been Frankys team for a minute and the idea you would take carries away from the most underrated RB in football over the last 7 years makes no sense to me, I wanna see franky get 25 touches a game and when hes tired or at goaline we bring in BJ or Hunter

Thank you for your time
 
Dec 4, 2011
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#7
lol 49ers won't suck but they will not be as good as last year i think. could be wrong but last year was the perfect storm. they will still be a good team and it will be a good battle between them and the seahawks
 

Cut-Throat

Bob Pimp MOBBEN!!!
Apr 25, 2002
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#9
I did not write this article, and I have nothing against the 49ers, but it's funny and pretty much true:

4. You dormant Niners fans should be ashamed of yourselves. I know you, Niners fan. You gave up on the team after all those years of John York buttbungling one of the NFL's premiere franchises. You lit out the second Dennis Erickson was hired. I don't blame you. Dennis Erickson will do that to a man. But the second this team showed signs of life last season, you came right back into the fold and acted like you'd never left. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. I know that you spent the past decade ignoring football in favor of patrolling farmer's markets for organic rhubarb for your Vietnamese taco truck and I will not sit here and listen to you BULLSHIT THE WORLD about how you never lost faith. You don't deserve a defense this nasty. You deserve an exquisitely fragile finesse team that can't run the ball and gives up 79 points in any game with playoff implications. Also, Chris Berman still loves your stupid team and I can't abide that.
i had my season tix during the tim rattay, ken dorsey, steve stenstrom, cody pickett years...

this guy is a raider, cowboy or saints fan im guessin...
 
Apr 25, 2002
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#10
I appreciate humor so I was looking forward to a few laughs at my own team's expense but that article flat out sucked. Clearly dude doesn't know anything about SF either.
 
Jan 18, 2006
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#11
Not sure if yall noticed but they did one for every team. The Raiders one was pretty wack also, making dumb assumptions and talking about things that werent about the actual team