What's the best excuse you ever gave for missing work?
- Thread starter L Mac-a-docious
- Start date
MAN I LIKE TO USE THE EAR ACHE OR TOOTH ACHE THING..... CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH PAIN IS INVOLVED ...... BUT THERE IS NO PHYSICAL SIGN OF YOU FEELING ANY DISCOMFORT ..... LIKE COUGHING, RUNNY NOSE ETC.
AND I ALSO KNOW IT LOOKS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE OUT FOR MORE THAN ONE DAY .... I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT MOST BOSSES PICK UP ON YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU JUST MISS THE ONE MONDAY OR THE ONE FRIDAY TO TRY TO EXTEND YOUR WEEKEND ANYWAY POSSIBLE.
AND I ALSO KNOW IT LOOKS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE OUT FOR MORE THAN ONE DAY .... I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT MOST BOSSES PICK UP ON YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU JUST MISS THE ONE MONDAY OR THE ONE FRIDAY TO TRY TO EXTEND YOUR WEEKEND ANYWAY POSSIBLE.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. ..
Drink Syrup of Ipecac to induce heinous fits of uncontrollable vomiting. (Dilute in water to prevent spontaneous accident on-the-spot).
Use women's makeup products to paint yourself sick: light brown eyeshadow works best as an under-the-eye prop for bags, some strategically applied foundation to lips provides that "pale" appearance, etc.
Moaning and clutching your stomach after a serious feast on burritos (make sure no one is within firing range...hooo doggy!).
Bake an Ex-Lax cake and eat it all (use entire box of Ex Lax chocolate cubes).
Use the old "I-have-diarrhea-and-can't-get-off-the-toilet" excuse.
Fake a seizure in the middle of a staff meeting.
Drink an entire bottle of Pepto-bismol after eating a plate of liver and onions. And run.
Have your mother call in and state that you awoke with a sweaty, fevered forehead, and your tongue appears to be turning black as you speak.
Mix 1 cup raw egg to one cup milk...let it sit on the counter for four hours, then drink. Then run.
Pour spoiled milk on your shirt and go to work. Tell every colleague that you just don't feel right today, and, heck, you seem to have really foul odors since you yakked before coming to work. Watch people flee.
Suddenly clutch your stomach and scream out, "Oh, My God!!! The baby is not kicking anymore!!" This works best if you are female, are NOT pregnant, and no one thinks that you are.
Call in and state that you have contracted Ebola from the African Sculpture that you purchased from the QVC Channel.
Call off sick with Montezuma's Revenge. If someone asks what this is, start gurgling into the phone, shriek, and hang up.
Contact a relative who is in the medical profession and have them hook you up with a doctor's excuse.
Cite the 24 hour flu when you return to work just one day after calling off.
Grab granny's perfume, and spray heavily. Explain to co-workers that you ingested some perfume at home, thinking that it was a glass of apple juice, and start doubling over, clutching your spleen.
State that the blood donation just a day ago had some complications...while donating, you forgot to mention that you are a hemophiliac, and since they couldn't stop you from bleeding, you're currently hooked up to the machine in the bloodmobile, and you still haven't clotted. You are currently en route to Cedars-Sinai in Loma Linda, CA. (This works best if you live on the East Coast).
You were attacked by rabid frogs en route to your car.
Your mother-in-law stopped by and won't leave. The SWAT Team is coming by to help with her execution.
Your brother from Naples, FL, thought he would be nice, and sent a strip-o-gram for your birthday. Only problem is, he paid for a weeks' worth of fun, and the fun just started. Today.
Your spouse's (insert body part here) was accidentally caught in the garbage disposal during an innocent game of "chance."
Ed McMahon and Dick Clark just sent you an envelope that clearly states that you are to remain at home to receive your million dollar check...today.
Be brave, and weed your yard, making sure to grab various plants, such as poison ivy, oak, and sumac, with your bare hands. Rub the plants all over you, especially tending to those "delicate" areas...you know what I mean. Go take a shower to set the poison. Then cry.
Call your boss and apologetically explain that you won't be in today because the window fan that was sitting on your bathroom sink fell into the bath, and you are receiving skin grafts as you speak.
Drink about a gallon of water, and go for a nice, long run at, say, NOON, in 90 degree weather. You won't be lying when you phone your boss from the hospital.
Make a heap made of honey near a tent and camp out. You'll have your choice of excuses: either you were eaten alive by bugs, or were attacked by wilderbeasts. Then run.
Make sure that when you read the newspaper, your hands are somewhat oily. Then rub the ink all over your face and go to work, explaining that your furnace was ablaze as you left the house...you should be relieved from your duties in no time.
Call your boss and alert him/her that the "deer tick bite" that you thought you had was actually diagnosed by the doctor as the worst case of genital crabs he has ever seen. Offer to show this to the boss, and as he/she declines, shriek into the phone, and hang up.
Offer all of your co-workers access to your "psychiatric" file that you created on your lunch break while at the computer. This brings us to the next suggestion...
Have a close friend call your boss, identifying herself as a very influential Psychiatrist from the D.C. area who is looking for you, her former patient. Have her explain to your boss that you left her care without her consent, and have been without psychotropic medication (Tegretol, Phenobarbitol, Ativan, etc.) since you left (insert time frame here). With your history of aggressive outbusts, you are currently considered a threat to society...you should be offered medical leave in no time.
Load up for the day with a box of Alka-Seltxer packets and head off to work or school with this agenda: Guzzle down some room-temperature water and pop a seltzer in your mouth before al large presentation. Mind you, you will need to remark sometime before this incident that you are feeling "under the weather." While speaking to the group, take a chug of pepsi or orange juice, get ready to defy physics, and spray the contents of your mouth to all in hurling distance. If this does not grant you a one-way pass from spending the rest of your day in hum-drum hell, then nothing will!
Buy a bag of one of those frozen entrees that has everything inside for a meal, and let it sit in the fridge until the bag swells, fire up the microwave and eat it. ALL of it. Wait about 2 hours, and you will be thinking you drank Drano instead of eating a meal. Run for the bathroom, and don't look back. You're gonna be out on an extended stay.
Just call in for 3 days and have your significant other say you are in the hospital, and leave it at that.
How about the old excuse that you have a very sick relative.... oh yeah, THAT'S NOT A SICK DAY! Don't use it!
How about some lovely 4 day old pizza, room temp, never refrigerated, complete with sausage, mushrooms, and pepperoni? Doesn't that sound like a nice excuse for botulism? Hey, now if you only had a syringe.....
It's the time of year in which we all encounter roadkill on our travels out and about. Why not help out your loal road crew and gather up the little varmin (hey, nature is already helping him along!), with a pair of gloves and a plastic bag, of course. Now, go to work, carrying in your new buddy, and set him near you on the desk, pc, etc.... it's not going to be long before your co-workers alert the boss to your new worksite addition, and you are sent home. With your buddy. You could always hand him off or provide a proper burial, it's your choice.
And for homage to all my gore-loving friends and fans, why not just walk into work, holding an envelope stuffed with baking soda powder, ring some around your nose, and roll your eyes into the back of your head. Let them wonder if its an illegal drug or anthrax. Either way, you are sure to see an ambulance, and the inside of a jail cell when the shit dies down!
Oh, this one is just precious.... saw this one used in person. Actually, I will now post a few that require my readers opinions. How about calling in on day one, stating that you chipped a tooth, and take a sick day? Then call in the following day and say that you now have a FEVER from a chipped tooth!
How about having your spouse, paramour, brother, internet boyfriend, etc. call you of, stating that you are suddenly "in the hospital." Sounds good, right? Then, for the next year mimic the exact same diet used by people who undergo GASTRIC BYPASS, yet deny that you had it done? Hmmmm.....
I am a personal favorite of the people who feebly cough during the previous day's shift, only to call off the next shift, because they are too afraid to work with someone, yet come back a day later totally cured of all illness! Miracles DO happen!
Or, how about just calling off after a 2 day weekend because you, well, just don't want to work? Why not just collect welfare and live out your dream?
Use women's makeup products to paint yourself sick: light brown eyeshadow works best as an under-the-eye prop for bags, some strategically applied foundation to lips provides that "pale" appearance, etc.
Moaning and clutching your stomach after a serious feast on burritos (make sure no one is within firing range...hooo doggy!).
Bake an Ex-Lax cake and eat it all (use entire box of Ex Lax chocolate cubes).
Use the old "I-have-diarrhea-and-can't-get-off-the-toilet" excuse.
Fake a seizure in the middle of a staff meeting.
Drink an entire bottle of Pepto-bismol after eating a plate of liver and onions. And run.
Have your mother call in and state that you awoke with a sweaty, fevered forehead, and your tongue appears to be turning black as you speak.
Mix 1 cup raw egg to one cup milk...let it sit on the counter for four hours, then drink. Then run.
Pour spoiled milk on your shirt and go to work. Tell every colleague that you just don't feel right today, and, heck, you seem to have really foul odors since you yakked before coming to work. Watch people flee.
Suddenly clutch your stomach and scream out, "Oh, My God!!! The baby is not kicking anymore!!" This works best if you are female, are NOT pregnant, and no one thinks that you are.
Call in and state that you have contracted Ebola from the African Sculpture that you purchased from the QVC Channel.
Call off sick with Montezuma's Revenge. If someone asks what this is, start gurgling into the phone, shriek, and hang up.
Contact a relative who is in the medical profession and have them hook you up with a doctor's excuse.
Cite the 24 hour flu when you return to work just one day after calling off.
Grab granny's perfume, and spray heavily. Explain to co-workers that you ingested some perfume at home, thinking that it was a glass of apple juice, and start doubling over, clutching your spleen.
State that the blood donation just a day ago had some complications...while donating, you forgot to mention that you are a hemophiliac, and since they couldn't stop you from bleeding, you're currently hooked up to the machine in the bloodmobile, and you still haven't clotted. You are currently en route to Cedars-Sinai in Loma Linda, CA. (This works best if you live on the East Coast).
You were attacked by rabid frogs en route to your car.
Your mother-in-law stopped by and won't leave. The SWAT Team is coming by to help with her execution.
Your brother from Naples, FL, thought he would be nice, and sent a strip-o-gram for your birthday. Only problem is, he paid for a weeks' worth of fun, and the fun just started. Today.
Your spouse's (insert body part here) was accidentally caught in the garbage disposal during an innocent game of "chance."
Ed McMahon and Dick Clark just sent you an envelope that clearly states that you are to remain at home to receive your million dollar check...today.
Be brave, and weed your yard, making sure to grab various plants, such as poison ivy, oak, and sumac, with your bare hands. Rub the plants all over you, especially tending to those "delicate" areas...you know what I mean. Go take a shower to set the poison. Then cry.
Call your boss and apologetically explain that you won't be in today because the window fan that was sitting on your bathroom sink fell into the bath, and you are receiving skin grafts as you speak.
Drink about a gallon of water, and go for a nice, long run at, say, NOON, in 90 degree weather. You won't be lying when you phone your boss from the hospital.
Make a heap made of honey near a tent and camp out. You'll have your choice of excuses: either you were eaten alive by bugs, or were attacked by wilderbeasts. Then run.
Make sure that when you read the newspaper, your hands are somewhat oily. Then rub the ink all over your face and go to work, explaining that your furnace was ablaze as you left the house...you should be relieved from your duties in no time.
Call your boss and alert him/her that the "deer tick bite" that you thought you had was actually diagnosed by the doctor as the worst case of genital crabs he has ever seen. Offer to show this to the boss, and as he/she declines, shriek into the phone, and hang up.
Offer all of your co-workers access to your "psychiatric" file that you created on your lunch break while at the computer. This brings us to the next suggestion...
Have a close friend call your boss, identifying herself as a very influential Psychiatrist from the D.C. area who is looking for you, her former patient. Have her explain to your boss that you left her care without her consent, and have been without psychotropic medication (Tegretol, Phenobarbitol, Ativan, etc.) since you left (insert time frame here). With your history of aggressive outbusts, you are currently considered a threat to society...you should be offered medical leave in no time.
Load up for the day with a box of Alka-Seltxer packets and head off to work or school with this agenda: Guzzle down some room-temperature water and pop a seltzer in your mouth before al large presentation. Mind you, you will need to remark sometime before this incident that you are feeling "under the weather." While speaking to the group, take a chug of pepsi or orange juice, get ready to defy physics, and spray the contents of your mouth to all in hurling distance. If this does not grant you a one-way pass from spending the rest of your day in hum-drum hell, then nothing will!
Buy a bag of one of those frozen entrees that has everything inside for a meal, and let it sit in the fridge until the bag swells, fire up the microwave and eat it. ALL of it. Wait about 2 hours, and you will be thinking you drank Drano instead of eating a meal. Run for the bathroom, and don't look back. You're gonna be out on an extended stay.
Just call in for 3 days and have your significant other say you are in the hospital, and leave it at that.
How about the old excuse that you have a very sick relative.... oh yeah, THAT'S NOT A SICK DAY! Don't use it!
How about some lovely 4 day old pizza, room temp, never refrigerated, complete with sausage, mushrooms, and pepperoni? Doesn't that sound like a nice excuse for botulism? Hey, now if you only had a syringe.....
It's the time of year in which we all encounter roadkill on our travels out and about. Why not help out your loal road crew and gather up the little varmin (hey, nature is already helping him along!), with a pair of gloves and a plastic bag, of course. Now, go to work, carrying in your new buddy, and set him near you on the desk, pc, etc.... it's not going to be long before your co-workers alert the boss to your new worksite addition, and you are sent home. With your buddy. You could always hand him off or provide a proper burial, it's your choice.
And for homage to all my gore-loving friends and fans, why not just walk into work, holding an envelope stuffed with baking soda powder, ring some around your nose, and roll your eyes into the back of your head. Let them wonder if its an illegal drug or anthrax. Either way, you are sure to see an ambulance, and the inside of a jail cell when the shit dies down!
Oh, this one is just precious.... saw this one used in person. Actually, I will now post a few that require my readers opinions. How about calling in on day one, stating that you chipped a tooth, and take a sick day? Then call in the following day and say that you now have a FEVER from a chipped tooth!
How about having your spouse, paramour, brother, internet boyfriend, etc. call you of, stating that you are suddenly "in the hospital." Sounds good, right? Then, for the next year mimic the exact same diet used by people who undergo GASTRIC BYPASS, yet deny that you had it done? Hmmmm.....
I am a personal favorite of the people who feebly cough during the previous day's shift, only to call off the next shift, because they are too afraid to work with someone, yet come back a day later totally cured of all illness! Miracles DO happen!
Or, how about just calling off after a 2 day weekend because you, well, just don't want to work? Why not just collect welfare and live out your dream?
1. I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.
2. My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.
3. I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.
4. I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.
5. Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.
6. I have a head ache.... # 22...actual times someone at work has called in with this excuse!
7. I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.
8. I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
9. I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.
10. Last night we had a party and I woke up with a strange man in my bed!
11. My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.
12. My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
13. My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.
14. My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.
15. I was stepping down out of my trailer and I missed the step and when I landed on the ground I messed up my back.
16. Called in on Tuesday I won't be able to come to work for the rest of the week. My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication. So I need the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore .
17. I won't be in today or Ever Again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my puter. I'm tired of getting paid for punching a time clock, working my but off on a J.O.B (Just Over Broke) 9 to 5 and retiring with $ 0 in my bank account, forced to live of the Government and taxpayers. If you want to know what I'll be doing, send an email to: [email protected] Hooray! Freedom at Last!
18. Tom Robbins says: "any one who goes to work everyday... everyday... IS sick! so, 'call in well' to work today!
19. Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!
20. I cant come to work today because the city is paving my street and I cant get out!
21. A graphic artist I once knew told me of a person who called in and said his house had burned overnight. He was caught in the lie when word got out because co-workers took up a collection and the guy had to come clean when they gave it to him. He said it's just so much easier to say you've got diarrhea. They can't argue with that. (Imodium hadn't been invented yet.)
22. My wife is too sick to get out of bed, so I'm staying home to take care of her.
23. A lady took a leave of absence to cavort with her boyfriend. The supervisor looked the other way when she said she had to go to Arizona to get her stuff out of storage. After her return, she transferred to the front office. When her paramour again desired her companionship for travel, she said her father had a stroke. She was quietly dismissed when the office manager called the mother to ask how the allegedly ailing father was doing and was told the truth.
24. Back in the olden days, female employees were not required to report their pregnancies, and she was one of the damnedably lucky ones that never showed. Her boss found out when she called to say she couldn't make it that day because she was in labor.
2. My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.
3. I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.
4. I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.
5. Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.
6. I have a head ache.... # 22...actual times someone at work has called in with this excuse!
7. I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.
8. I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
9. I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.
10. Last night we had a party and I woke up with a strange man in my bed!
11. My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.
12. My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
13. My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.
14. My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.
15. I was stepping down out of my trailer and I missed the step and when I landed on the ground I messed up my back.
16. Called in on Tuesday I won't be able to come to work for the rest of the week. My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication. So I need the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore .
17. I won't be in today or Ever Again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my puter. I'm tired of getting paid for punching a time clock, working my but off on a J.O.B (Just Over Broke) 9 to 5 and retiring with $ 0 in my bank account, forced to live of the Government and taxpayers. If you want to know what I'll be doing, send an email to: [email protected] Hooray! Freedom at Last!
18. Tom Robbins says: "any one who goes to work everyday... everyday... IS sick! so, 'call in well' to work today!
19. Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!
20. I cant come to work today because the city is paving my street and I cant get out!
21. A graphic artist I once knew told me of a person who called in and said his house had burned overnight. He was caught in the lie when word got out because co-workers took up a collection and the guy had to come clean when they gave it to him. He said it's just so much easier to say you've got diarrhea. They can't argue with that. (Imodium hadn't been invented yet.)
22. My wife is too sick to get out of bed, so I'm staying home to take care of her.
23. A lady took a leave of absence to cavort with her boyfriend. The supervisor looked the other way when she said she had to go to Arizona to get her stuff out of storage. After her return, she transferred to the front office. When her paramour again desired her companionship for travel, she said her father had a stroke. She was quietly dismissed when the office manager called the mother to ask how the allegedly ailing father was doing and was told the truth.
24. Back in the olden days, female employees were not required to report their pregnancies, and she was one of the damnedably lucky ones that never showed. Her boss found out when she called to say she couldn't make it that day because she was in labor.
25. I wont be in today I ran into a car and need to go to the doctor's I cant find my shoes I cant find my Son!!! There is a good show on T.V. I need to donate blood today I'm Drunk I left rubber cement next to my bed why I was sleeping and got really High I fell on a flashlight " Butt First " My dog ate my car keys and went to sleep and when I woke up found my self in another state.
26. I won't be in today....I'm calling in dead.
27. Excuse me sir, but I won't be in today. My home is flooded and I'm currently standing on my dresser in my second story bedroom. Thanks and have a nice day.
28. Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.
29. Hello, This is, ________ I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.
30. Actually used (and believed) when I was working in Toronto. "You'll never believe it! I said with a straight face, I was heading here with plenty of time to be on time, when my car tires got stuck in the streetcar tracks! Now, I could drive forward and backwards but I couldn't turn off the tracks. I continued. Now I knew I couldn't safely stay there, so I did the only thing I could. I said, I had to drive all the way down to the rail yards and (finally) drive out free at the barns. Just to top it off, I continued, I'm sure you know how far away the rail yards are from work. I took me an extra half hour just to drive back! That's why I was late for work."
31. I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.
32. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
33. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
34. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
35. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
36. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
37. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet .
38. I had missed a lot of work and my boss made me promise I would not be late, but I woke that day to find my cat bleeding. The poor cat had a hole in its belly where an abscess had burst. I called the boss and she said, " Sure it does..." The vet was very accommodating and wrote me an official excuse, and it hung on the boss's bulletin board for a very long time. It read, "Please excuse Sheryl being late to work today. Her cat had a hole in it.
39. I am calling in because I do not feel up to par today.
40. I am not coming in because I tried to dye my hair blonde, but it came out green!
41. I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday. (actually used by a security guard)
42. I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.
43. I was already at work for this and wanted to leave...Tell the boss I called home a few minutes ago and gotta go, my girlfriend went out to sunbathe naked in the back yard and locked herself out of the house and needs the door opened.
44. Actually used and they will know me but it was 15 yrs ago.... my roommates horse overate and he has been walking it since midnight, I need to walk the horse so it doesn't lay down and die.
45. Yesterday I Caught a bad cold while vacationing in Miami, Florida. Sorry!
46. A man I worked with once called in with... "My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits."
47. My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.
48. This really Happened to me, I was on my way in to work and fell down the back steps of my apartment and I had my cell phone I phoned my work to tell them I wouldn't be in because I fell and hurt my back and also asked them to phone my husband so he could come help me and take me to the hospital .
49. A SWAT team closed off a part of a street after a disgruntled ex-employee shot several people at a printing firm. A worker for a different a company called to report he couldn't finish his service route on that block that day (before the event was reported on the news) because there were snipers on the roof.
50. I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job
26. I won't be in today....I'm calling in dead.
27. Excuse me sir, but I won't be in today. My home is flooded and I'm currently standing on my dresser in my second story bedroom. Thanks and have a nice day.
28. Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.
29. Hello, This is, ________ I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.
30. Actually used (and believed) when I was working in Toronto. "You'll never believe it! I said with a straight face, I was heading here with plenty of time to be on time, when my car tires got stuck in the streetcar tracks! Now, I could drive forward and backwards but I couldn't turn off the tracks. I continued. Now I knew I couldn't safely stay there, so I did the only thing I could. I said, I had to drive all the way down to the rail yards and (finally) drive out free at the barns. Just to top it off, I continued, I'm sure you know how far away the rail yards are from work. I took me an extra half hour just to drive back! That's why I was late for work."
31. I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.
32. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
33. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
34. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
35. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
36. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
37. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet .
38. I had missed a lot of work and my boss made me promise I would not be late, but I woke that day to find my cat bleeding. The poor cat had a hole in its belly where an abscess had burst. I called the boss and she said, " Sure it does..." The vet was very accommodating and wrote me an official excuse, and it hung on the boss's bulletin board for a very long time. It read, "Please excuse Sheryl being late to work today. Her cat had a hole in it.
39. I am calling in because I do not feel up to par today.
40. I am not coming in because I tried to dye my hair blonde, but it came out green!
41. I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday. (actually used by a security guard)
42. I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.
43. I was already at work for this and wanted to leave...Tell the boss I called home a few minutes ago and gotta go, my girlfriend went out to sunbathe naked in the back yard and locked herself out of the house and needs the door opened.
44. Actually used and they will know me but it was 15 yrs ago.... my roommates horse overate and he has been walking it since midnight, I need to walk the horse so it doesn't lay down and die.
45. Yesterday I Caught a bad cold while vacationing in Miami, Florida. Sorry!
46. A man I worked with once called in with... "My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits."
47. My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.
48. This really Happened to me, I was on my way in to work and fell down the back steps of my apartment and I had my cell phone I phoned my work to tell them I wouldn't be in because I fell and hurt my back and also asked them to phone my husband so he could come help me and take me to the hospital .
49. A SWAT team closed off a part of a street after a disgruntled ex-employee shot several people at a printing firm. A worker for a different a company called to report he couldn't finish his service route on that block that day (before the event was reported on the news) because there were snipers on the roof.
50. I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job
51. When I lived in Mesa, AZ, I was living in a 4-plex that wasn't exactly living in the best area of town (it was a little pocket of not-so-great neighborhood, actually). It shared a common parking area and driveway with the building behind us. I was working as an event planner for Motorola for the WORST boss... (She later was sued by Motorola and my former co-workers for creating a hostile workplace...heh heh) Anyway, one day I got up and got dressed for work, went out to my car, and immediately had to go back into the house to call in... Uh, Boss, I'm gonna be late today... there's about 30 police officers across the street, and I'm blocked in my driveway by a HAZMAT TRUCK!!! The Police had discovered that the tenants in the place directly across the street had built secret "tunnels" from one apartment to another, and the Police were in the process of busting the Meth Lab the tenants were running, it turns out... and there were about 15 police cars and 4 fire trucks in the way! If that's not a GOOD excuse, I don't know what is! *laugh*
52. This is the mother of all "calling in" excuses. The other day, I went to work. And one girl didn't even show up or even call. So the supervisor called her and she was still sleeping. She said that I forgot I had to work today ....I mean please. "
53. I needed a good excuse for missing work, and I have always felt that the more ridiculous (while still believable) the "reason" was the better. This is my favorite. Imagine me on the phone with my boss: I was playing fetch with my dog and the ball took a bad hop and broke a back window. When I went out to check out the damage, I stepped on a big piece of glass and cut my foot really bad. I had to go get stitches, and I don't think I can be on my feet a lot today. The trick to making this excuse stick -- I put a pebble in my shoe for the next couple of work days that I attended to remind me to walk gingerly due to my "stitches." It worked like a charm. Hell, it even got me some good sympathy -- stitches and a dog lover, who can resist that?
54. One of the guys in my department phoned at 11:30 on a Tuesday to explain why he hadn't come into work that week: " I went to a party on Saturday and met a girl, we've been in bed ever since. I'm getting tired now and will be at work in an hour or so .
55. I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
56. I got an excuse from the wife of one of my employees once -- he was fixing up an old school bus for them to see the world in. In order to fix it the way he wanted, he had to raise the height of the roof. This is what she said: Daniel won't be into work today. He fell off his sawhorse while cutting the roof off the bus. He landed on a pile of two by fours. It's ok tho, the saw wasn't hurt a bit. Believe me, that is only the beginning of the cake mix that Daniel went thru!!
57. Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.
58. My coworker Wilma Martinez called in and said " The snowplow was stuck in front of her driveway ". It took three days before they could get back to tow it away. Chicago January blizzards. She brought in pictures the next week.
59. Sorry Boss I can't come into work today...my spirit guide says work is for losers!
60. Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by CPS and she is going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.
61. There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders. (This one could be good for a few days).
62. My dog is having puppies and I need to help her.
63. Someone smashed in my windows this morning with a large blunt object.
64. (If you have a friend you want to skip work with) "At our potluck yesterday, there must have been something bad. I am so sick, I think I have food poisoning"....(a few moans for effect)... (then have your buddy call & do the same routine).
65. I sprained my wrist cooking dinner in the microwave last nite.
52. This is the mother of all "calling in" excuses. The other day, I went to work. And one girl didn't even show up or even call. So the supervisor called her and she was still sleeping. She said that I forgot I had to work today ....I mean please. "
53. I needed a good excuse for missing work, and I have always felt that the more ridiculous (while still believable) the "reason" was the better. This is my favorite. Imagine me on the phone with my boss: I was playing fetch with my dog and the ball took a bad hop and broke a back window. When I went out to check out the damage, I stepped on a big piece of glass and cut my foot really bad. I had to go get stitches, and I don't think I can be on my feet a lot today. The trick to making this excuse stick -- I put a pebble in my shoe for the next couple of work days that I attended to remind me to walk gingerly due to my "stitches." It worked like a charm. Hell, it even got me some good sympathy -- stitches and a dog lover, who can resist that?
54. One of the guys in my department phoned at 11:30 on a Tuesday to explain why he hadn't come into work that week: " I went to a party on Saturday and met a girl, we've been in bed ever since. I'm getting tired now and will be at work in an hour or so .
55. I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
56. I got an excuse from the wife of one of my employees once -- he was fixing up an old school bus for them to see the world in. In order to fix it the way he wanted, he had to raise the height of the roof. This is what she said: Daniel won't be into work today. He fell off his sawhorse while cutting the roof off the bus. He landed on a pile of two by fours. It's ok tho, the saw wasn't hurt a bit. Believe me, that is only the beginning of the cake mix that Daniel went thru!!
57. Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.
58. My coworker Wilma Martinez called in and said " The snowplow was stuck in front of her driveway ". It took three days before they could get back to tow it away. Chicago January blizzards. She brought in pictures the next week.
59. Sorry Boss I can't come into work today...my spirit guide says work is for losers!
60. Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by CPS and she is going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.
61. There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders. (This one could be good for a few days).
62. My dog is having puppies and I need to help her.
63. Someone smashed in my windows this morning with a large blunt object.
64. (If you have a friend you want to skip work with) "At our potluck yesterday, there must have been something bad. I am so sick, I think I have food poisoning"....(a few moans for effect)... (then have your buddy call & do the same routine).
65. I sprained my wrist cooking dinner in the microwave last nite.
66. I slipped in the shower and torque my knee. I can't walk on it at all.
67. I have extremely bad diarrhea. I mean REALLY bad. I am stuck in the house for a LONNNNNNNG time. A *long* time.
68. True Story ---- A fellow employee showed up 2 1\2 hrs late because he couldn't open the trunk on his car so he drove to 3 different auto shops then on the way back from the 3rd his trunk popped open. The reason he needed to get in his trunk he had a tire low on air and wanted to change it.
69. This one was actually used by one of my employees. "Sorry I did not show up yesterday, I locked myself in the bathroom."
70. I won't be able to come to work next week . Were trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.
71. These aren't excuses. They're signs at Phil's Oyster Bar in Baton Rouge. One says " In case of death in the family, please call in before 11:AM on the day of the game! " The other says " New Employment Policy: Work or Get Fired! "
72. I'm calling in blind - just can't see myself working for you today...!
73. This one has worked for me every time I used it, but the only issue is not to use all the time. And now the excuse. I can't make in to work today, I ate bad sushi last night.
74. I will not be into work today because my parents dog died.
75. Someone dumped a truck-load of sand in front of my driveway and I won't be in today.
76. A friend I hadn't seen for years came round just as I was setting off for work, I couldn't leave could I?
77. I actually used this. It did happen. I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at my sleep-talking and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser, of which the batteries fell out; And I over slept.
78. I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.
79. I'm calling in sick - of working for your company...!
80. I won't be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.
81. Employee....Sorry I didn't come to work yesterday. Boss....Why didn't you call off. Employee....I had to take my grandmother to the hospital and they didn't have a phone! A TRUE STORY
82. I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition.
83. Last night a friend I haven't seen in a long time came over and gave me a bear hug and broke one of my ribs, so I won't be in today.
84. True Story .... A co-worker called in to work 2 hrs. late and said. I can't come to work today, sometime during the night, a reindeer broke it's leg and died, blocking my driveway, so I have to wait for the State Ranger to arrive and perform an investigation and remove the reindeer before I can get my car out of the garage.(this guy actually lives near the N.J. Shore Area). He also called in two weeks later with this one .... (five hours late for work, he called in and said). I'll be late for work today because the train had a flat tire and I had to help change it.
67. I have extremely bad diarrhea. I mean REALLY bad. I am stuck in the house for a LONNNNNNNG time. A *long* time.
68. True Story ---- A fellow employee showed up 2 1\2 hrs late because he couldn't open the trunk on his car so he drove to 3 different auto shops then on the way back from the 3rd his trunk popped open. The reason he needed to get in his trunk he had a tire low on air and wanted to change it.
69. This one was actually used by one of my employees. "Sorry I did not show up yesterday, I locked myself in the bathroom."
70. I won't be able to come to work next week . Were trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.
71. These aren't excuses. They're signs at Phil's Oyster Bar in Baton Rouge. One says " In case of death in the family, please call in before 11:AM on the day of the game! " The other says " New Employment Policy: Work or Get Fired! "
72. I'm calling in blind - just can't see myself working for you today...!
73. This one has worked for me every time I used it, but the only issue is not to use all the time. And now the excuse. I can't make in to work today, I ate bad sushi last night.
74. I will not be into work today because my parents dog died.
75. Someone dumped a truck-load of sand in front of my driveway and I won't be in today.
76. A friend I hadn't seen for years came round just as I was setting off for work, I couldn't leave could I?
77. I actually used this. It did happen. I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at my sleep-talking and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser, of which the batteries fell out; And I over slept.
78. I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.
79. I'm calling in sick - of working for your company...!
80. I won't be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.
81. Employee....Sorry I didn't come to work yesterday. Boss....Why didn't you call off. Employee....I had to take my grandmother to the hospital and they didn't have a phone! A TRUE STORY
82. I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition.
83. Last night a friend I haven't seen in a long time came over and gave me a bear hug and broke one of my ribs, so I won't be in today.
84. True Story .... A co-worker called in to work 2 hrs. late and said. I can't come to work today, sometime during the night, a reindeer broke it's leg and died, blocking my driveway, so I have to wait for the State Ranger to arrive and perform an investigation and remove the reindeer before I can get my car out of the garage.(this guy actually lives near the N.J. Shore Area). He also called in two weeks later with this one .... (five hours late for work, he called in and said). I'll be late for work today because the train had a flat tire and I had to help change it.
85. This is a phenomenally effective excuse, for reasons which escape me: "Sorry I'm late; I had to buy a lottery ticket." If someone points out that you are, in fact, several HOURS late, say "oh, yeah, there was a line."For some reason, no one ever questions you. If you are working some crap minimum wage job, "poverty" excuses are always good: "Sorry I'm late, I had to pawn my alarm clock." or more elaborate ones involving having the gas cut off and hypothermia, and the like. This will instill such a feeling of guilt in your boss that he may not even dock your pay for the several hours in which you were not, in fact, at work!
86. I won't be in today. I was up all week-end with this new girl I met and I didn't get any sleep....if you know what I mean!
87. My name is Susan I live and work in Lexington, North Carolina. I work for a place called LampCrafters and my co-workers went out for lunch with some of her friends and smoked marijuana. After she returned from lunch another co-worker was teasing her and told her he had put a voodoo curse on her. She ran crying to the boss and said some one put a root?? on her and it had her head all messed up and she had to go home. Believe it or not it worked! (Oh this was suppose to be her first time smoking pot)
88. I called into work a few weeks ago and told my boss that the filling in my tooth had come out and I was in Excruciating pain and that I couldn't see a dentist till the end of the week!
89. I can't come in today because my daughter's asthma was really bad all night and I had to take her to the hospital for a treatment and I didn't get any sleep !
90. I lost my car keys skiing and I can't leave until I find them!
91. An employee who was a half hour late for work was asked (by me) why she was so late. She responded that it was Friday the 13th and she was afraid if she drove over 20 mph, she'd get in a wreck. Since she had to take a major four-lane highway to work, she was a little ticked off at me for doubting her word at driving 20 in a 55.
92. Actual employees record. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. This was only a few days of a 6 page list for two years of employment. 8/16 Sat. 8:15 Joe called and said he was sick and probably wont be in on Monday because he is so sick today. 8/17 I called Joe's house and His mom said he went out with his friend. 8/18-8/19-8/20 Joe still stayed out sick. 9/6 10:30 Joe called in sick. I asked why he did not call me earlier and he said he was sleeping. 10/13 Monday Joe did not show up at all. 10/18 Sat. Joe asked to show up at 9:00 on Monday 10/20. 10/20 Mon. Joe showed up at 10:30 am. I spoke with him as to why he showed up later than he stated. He had no reason at all for being 1 1/2 hours late. 10/25 Sat. Joe asked to show up at 9:00 on Monday 10/27. I spoke with him in regards to not doing the same thing as the week before and he said that he would be in on time and he was sorry for being late. 10/27 Mon. Joe did not show up so I called him at 3:15 to find out where he was. Joe showed up at 3:30 p.m. with no excuse or remorse for being 6 1/2 hours late.
86. I won't be in today. I was up all week-end with this new girl I met and I didn't get any sleep....if you know what I mean!
87. My name is Susan I live and work in Lexington, North Carolina. I work for a place called LampCrafters and my co-workers went out for lunch with some of her friends and smoked marijuana. After she returned from lunch another co-worker was teasing her and told her he had put a voodoo curse on her. She ran crying to the boss and said some one put a root?? on her and it had her head all messed up and she had to go home. Believe it or not it worked! (Oh this was suppose to be her first time smoking pot)
88. I called into work a few weeks ago and told my boss that the filling in my tooth had come out and I was in Excruciating pain and that I couldn't see a dentist till the end of the week!
89. I can't come in today because my daughter's asthma was really bad all night and I had to take her to the hospital for a treatment and I didn't get any sleep !
90. I lost my car keys skiing and I can't leave until I find them!
91. An employee who was a half hour late for work was asked (by me) why she was so late. She responded that it was Friday the 13th and she was afraid if she drove over 20 mph, she'd get in a wreck. Since she had to take a major four-lane highway to work, she was a little ticked off at me for doubting her word at driving 20 in a 55.
92. Actual employees record. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. This was only a few days of a 6 page list for two years of employment. 8/16 Sat. 8:15 Joe called and said he was sick and probably wont be in on Monday because he is so sick today. 8/17 I called Joe's house and His mom said he went out with his friend. 8/18-8/19-8/20 Joe still stayed out sick. 9/6 10:30 Joe called in sick. I asked why he did not call me earlier and he said he was sleeping. 10/13 Monday Joe did not show up at all. 10/18 Sat. Joe asked to show up at 9:00 on Monday 10/20. 10/20 Mon. Joe showed up at 10:30 am. I spoke with him as to why he showed up later than he stated. He had no reason at all for being 1 1/2 hours late. 10/25 Sat. Joe asked to show up at 9:00 on Monday 10/27. I spoke with him in regards to not doing the same thing as the week before and he said that he would be in on time and he was sorry for being late. 10/27 Mon. Joe did not show up so I called him at 3:15 to find out where he was. Joe showed up at 3:30 p.m. with no excuse or remorse for being 6 1/2 hours late.
93. My boyfriend can't come to work, today. He's sick and has 111 degree temperature (hope you're going to the funeral, lady). Note: This really happened and the guy was fired. Gee! Wonder why?
94. My dad, Larry Taylor, won a radio contest in Seattle WA with this great excuse for not coming back to work from vacation... Don't call, don't write, don't let anyone know what's going on - take an extra week, or two. Then when you are ready to go back to work, just call up your boss and say.... " Don't pay the ransom - I escaped! "
95. I can not come to work today because I do not have any shoes.!!!
96. An employee phoned in at 9:00 am with the following. "My sister stole my money and I am out looking for her."
97. I supervise a group of truck drivers who are paid by the hour. One of their tactics for getting more time is to give excuses for being late returning from a run. Flat tires and mechanical break-downs are too easily documented, so they often come up with excuses such as " there was an accident that closed the highway" or "the bridge at BigTown was open to let a barge pass." My favorite is: "I saw and alligator on the side of the road (we operate in Louisiana), and I stopped to help the game warden capture it."
98. I am unable to come to work today. I tried lifting our baby daughter out of her crib and twisted my back.
99. I can't come in to work today, my sister tripped over the dog, fell off the porch and broke her wrist. I have to take her to the hospital.
100. I'm sorry I was late, I forgot to look at my watch!!!
94. My dad, Larry Taylor, won a radio contest in Seattle WA with this great excuse for not coming back to work from vacation... Don't call, don't write, don't let anyone know what's going on - take an extra week, or two. Then when you are ready to go back to work, just call up your boss and say.... " Don't pay the ransom - I escaped! "
95. I can not come to work today because I do not have any shoes.!!!
96. An employee phoned in at 9:00 am with the following. "My sister stole my money and I am out looking for her."
97. I supervise a group of truck drivers who are paid by the hour. One of their tactics for getting more time is to give excuses for being late returning from a run. Flat tires and mechanical break-downs are too easily documented, so they often come up with excuses such as " there was an accident that closed the highway" or "the bridge at BigTown was open to let a barge pass." My favorite is: "I saw and alligator on the side of the road (we operate in Louisiana), and I stopped to help the game warden capture it."
98. I am unable to come to work today. I tried lifting our baby daughter out of her crib and twisted my back.
99. I can't come in to work today, my sister tripped over the dog, fell off the porch and broke her wrist. I have to take her to the hospital.
100. I'm sorry I was late, I forgot to look at my watch!!!
101. My co-worker once called in this excuse to me and asked me to tell our supervisor. " I have ants." It was later explained that she had ants in her basement apartment and had to call an exterminator in.
102. I won't be into work today because my plane that was going to leave on Sunday didn't leave until today.
103. I work in a Medical office and have to open the place at 5:30 am. well, I overslept that morning (really overslept) and didn't get there until around 10:00 am. Well, the boss shows up at 8:00 am and I can imagine was wondering where I was for all this time. When he asked I replied..." I was here, you know how the copier is out again? Well, I was under the desk trying to fix it. I don't know how you couldn't see me, my legs were sticking out far enough to trip you." He replied," we'll have to call the repair man for that I cant have you under the desk for 4 hours!"
104. On my way to work today, my tooth cracked. I'll be going to the dentist.
105. I'm going to be 20 minutes late, but I'll be there. 2 Hours later. . . You'll never believe this, but I fell asleep. I'm on my way now. The next day . . . I never did wake up, now I'm not feeling well so I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe it was too much sleep!
106. I am going to be late because this morning the soul came off of my sons tennis shoe. I have to wait until the mall opens at 10:00 to buy him some more shoes. The Boss: Well can he wear another pair of shoes to school? ME: On what you pay me, he doesn't have another pair. The bank opens at 9:00 I have to go by there and take out a loan for the new shoes. Be there as soon as I can.
107. Late For Work.... I'll be a little late today. I washed my car yesterday and then parked it right away (and since this has happened before I should have remembered) but I set the parking brake and now one wheel is stuck. I would drive my wife's car, but the last time this happened, I just drove the car 'till the wheel broke free, but this time it stayed stuck and now my car is in the middle of the road, so I really need to fix it before I come in.
108. I can't make it to work today, because the fan belt broke on the van, the brakes went out, and it has a flat tire.
109. I can't come into work today, because the hot water tap broke on the bathtub.
110. The pharmacy is making up some cream for me today - so I won't be in to work.
111. I left the windows open in my room all night and when I woke up I had a stiff neck. I can't coming in today.
112. A friend of mine and her brother went to Florida for a week to see her ex. She called and said she was going to be a few days late because her brother was stung by a jellyfish...of course I started laughing. She says "really, there were 3 stings on that beach in 2 days..." and went on to embellish further. Finally I said "yeah right". There was a short pause, then she began laughing. "They bought it at work!" she replied.
113. I'll be in later today. I accidentally through away my jewelry, that was in a zip lock bag, away in the dumpster after I got back from vacation. I have to try and find it.
114. When I was an evening manager at a grocery store, I would receive a variety of excuses for tardiness or absences. My favorite was one that was called in by a sixteen-year old carryout. He called five minutes before his shift was supposed to start and said that he would be unable to work that night because his girlfriend's house had almost caught on fire the night before, and he was tired.
102. I won't be into work today because my plane that was going to leave on Sunday didn't leave until today.
103. I work in a Medical office and have to open the place at 5:30 am. well, I overslept that morning (really overslept) and didn't get there until around 10:00 am. Well, the boss shows up at 8:00 am and I can imagine was wondering where I was for all this time. When he asked I replied..." I was here, you know how the copier is out again? Well, I was under the desk trying to fix it. I don't know how you couldn't see me, my legs were sticking out far enough to trip you." He replied," we'll have to call the repair man for that I cant have you under the desk for 4 hours!"
104. On my way to work today, my tooth cracked. I'll be going to the dentist.
105. I'm going to be 20 minutes late, but I'll be there. 2 Hours later. . . You'll never believe this, but I fell asleep. I'm on my way now. The next day . . . I never did wake up, now I'm not feeling well so I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe it was too much sleep!
106. I am going to be late because this morning the soul came off of my sons tennis shoe. I have to wait until the mall opens at 10:00 to buy him some more shoes. The Boss: Well can he wear another pair of shoes to school? ME: On what you pay me, he doesn't have another pair. The bank opens at 9:00 I have to go by there and take out a loan for the new shoes. Be there as soon as I can.
107. Late For Work.... I'll be a little late today. I washed my car yesterday and then parked it right away (and since this has happened before I should have remembered) but I set the parking brake and now one wheel is stuck. I would drive my wife's car, but the last time this happened, I just drove the car 'till the wheel broke free, but this time it stayed stuck and now my car is in the middle of the road, so I really need to fix it before I come in.
108. I can't make it to work today, because the fan belt broke on the van, the brakes went out, and it has a flat tire.
109. I can't come into work today, because the hot water tap broke on the bathtub.
110. The pharmacy is making up some cream for me today - so I won't be in to work.
111. I left the windows open in my room all night and when I woke up I had a stiff neck. I can't coming in today.
112. A friend of mine and her brother went to Florida for a week to see her ex. She called and said she was going to be a few days late because her brother was stung by a jellyfish...of course I started laughing. She says "really, there were 3 stings on that beach in 2 days..." and went on to embellish further. Finally I said "yeah right". There was a short pause, then she began laughing. "They bought it at work!" she replied.
113. I'll be in later today. I accidentally through away my jewelry, that was in a zip lock bag, away in the dumpster after I got back from vacation. I have to try and find it.
114. When I was an evening manager at a grocery store, I would receive a variety of excuses for tardiness or absences. My favorite was one that was called in by a sixteen-year old carryout. He called five minutes before his shift was supposed to start and said that he would be unable to work that night because his girlfriend's house had almost caught on fire the night before, and he was tired.
115. Work....I didn't want to be late for work again today so I called in sick instead!
116. This excuse has been used by myself several times. I'll be out today or late, I woke up dizzy (I suffer from vertigo).
117. Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.
118. I can't come into work today. There is a cat sitting on the fence outside more door and he won't let me out. It looks like he will attack me if I go outside!
119. I'll be in a little late today. During the night the power must have gone off because when I woke up my alarm clock time was flashing. And of course I over slept.
120. My assistant called in with this one. "I cant come to work today because my cat is lonely and stressed out and if I don't spend quality time with him, he will keep peeing on the furniture!"
121. A girl I worked with called in with: "I wont be in today because my dog has a headache, and I need to take it to the vet.."
122. I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.
123. I can't come in today....I found a stray cat by my home this week-end and it has really bad diarrhea and I have to take it to the vets.
124. I'm going to need to take a couple of day off Thursday and Friday, because the city said I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!
125. I can't come in today because I feel sick and I can't breath because of all the smoke in the air.
126. A girl that I used to work with said she couldn't get come to work because she'd been abducted over the weekend and needed to recover.
127. Sorry, won't be in for 3 days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to Bahamas...darn ship left with me still on it.. Captain refuses to turn back.
128. I'll be in late this morning. I have a possum in my backyard and it's freaking out my dog. I have to get it out before I can leave.
129. I'll be in late today because my cat is sick again. (This is the same person from excuse # 123)
130. I'm going to be late today. I was taking out the trash at my girlfriends apartment this morning when the bag ripped open and spilled garbage on my clothes. I'll have to go home and do my laundry because this was my last clean shirt.
131. True: from a workmate to our boss, who showed us the letter after the chap had left our employment. "Dear Ken, Sorry I was late again yesterday, I got your note, but what really happened, is, I was having porridge for my breakfast, when our pet budgie fell into it, I couldn't leave the poor thing like that! It took me over the hour to clean the porridge off Jenny."
132. Over the week-end my boyfriend and I ate raw oysters at a restaurant in Half Moon Bay, California and we both have food poisoning. My boyfriend had to go to the hospital because he was throwing up blood and I have extremely bad diarrhea! I won't be in for a few days.
116. This excuse has been used by myself several times. I'll be out today or late, I woke up dizzy (I suffer from vertigo).
117. Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.
118. I can't come into work today. There is a cat sitting on the fence outside more door and he won't let me out. It looks like he will attack me if I go outside!
119. I'll be in a little late today. During the night the power must have gone off because when I woke up my alarm clock time was flashing. And of course I over slept.
120. My assistant called in with this one. "I cant come to work today because my cat is lonely and stressed out and if I don't spend quality time with him, he will keep peeing on the furniture!"
121. A girl I worked with called in with: "I wont be in today because my dog has a headache, and I need to take it to the vet.."
122. I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.
123. I can't come in today....I found a stray cat by my home this week-end and it has really bad diarrhea and I have to take it to the vets.
124. I'm going to need to take a couple of day off Thursday and Friday, because the city said I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!
125. I can't come in today because I feel sick and I can't breath because of all the smoke in the air.
126. A girl that I used to work with said she couldn't get come to work because she'd been abducted over the weekend and needed to recover.
127. Sorry, won't be in for 3 days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to Bahamas...darn ship left with me still on it.. Captain refuses to turn back.
128. I'll be in late this morning. I have a possum in my backyard and it's freaking out my dog. I have to get it out before I can leave.
129. I'll be in late today because my cat is sick again. (This is the same person from excuse # 123)
130. I'm going to be late today. I was taking out the trash at my girlfriends apartment this morning when the bag ripped open and spilled garbage on my clothes. I'll have to go home and do my laundry because this was my last clean shirt.
131. True: from a workmate to our boss, who showed us the letter after the chap had left our employment. "Dear Ken, Sorry I was late again yesterday, I got your note, but what really happened, is, I was having porridge for my breakfast, when our pet budgie fell into it, I couldn't leave the poor thing like that! It took me over the hour to clean the porridge off Jenny."
132. Over the week-end my boyfriend and I ate raw oysters at a restaurant in Half Moon Bay, California and we both have food poisoning. My boyfriend had to go to the hospital because he was throwing up blood and I have extremely bad diarrhea! I won't be in for a few days.
133. "I'm not going to work today because if the government can sit on their behinds and get paid, so can I!! Who wants to work to support them anyways! Not I !!! I think I will sit on mine for awhile and make my own money with my favorite buddy, my computer!! Hail to technology!"
134. "I can't make it to work today, my keys are locked in my car, my car is locked in the garage, and my husband is away for the week with the key to the garage....Sorry..."
135. "I can't come to work today, my chain came off my bicycle."
136. My dog dug a hole through the wall trying to get to a rabbit under my trailer. I have to get it patched because the trailer is for sale and someone is coming to look at it tomorrow. This excuse was from one of my co-workers!!!
137. I cannot come into work today because I came down with a bad case of something or other.
138. I was taking a shower and I drop the soap, as I reached down to pick it up ,I slipped an fell in the shower, which caused me to bust my lip ,twist my ankle, strain my back, stub my finger, and get soap in my eyes.
139. We have a horse and it has a habit of escaping, one morning I was running late as it was I leave my driveway, get on the road what do I see but the family horse trotting down the road. Well this is a stubborn horse and took me quite a while to get the horse back home. After this I called work and told them what had happen, the laughter was overwhelming, but I do think they believed me.
140. Friends of mine were performing in a band. They had a really important gig one Friday night. I knew this date and told my boss that I could not work late that night. Well me asked me that night to work late. I told him with a straight face. Sorry sir I have to go to a bar tonight and listen to some bad music.
141. Since some people still consider homosexuality a sickness it stands to reason that we can call into work "gay"...as in, I can't come in to work today, I'm gay.
142. I won't be in today....my hair wont start.
143. This excuse was called in by an employee one Friday morning where my stepfather was working about 20 years ago. " I won't be able to come in today. It seems that I have some unknown contagious disease; but I'll be fine on Monday". (true excuse)
144. I have to leave work early my kotex string broke.......I really used this one it works!
145. My husband called in work to tell them he couldn't find his cat and they took that excuse. We did find the cat though and my husband took the rest of the day off.
146. A work mate failed to turn up to work one day. Finally in the afternoon one of the managers rang him at home. He had only slept in until 10:00am but his clock had incorrectly displayed 5:00pm, too embarrassed to ring work he went back to sleep.
147. Over the years I have missed work or been late due to various illnesses, cars breaking down, sick horses and dogs, emergency babysitting, and even power outages causing the alarm clock to fail. My favorite story is the time my husband and I were late to work at a horse show where we were volunteering. We were over an hour late because the lock on the bathroom door in our hotel room broke, locking my husband inside! Everyone laughed when they thought it was a cute excuse. They laughed even more when they were persuaded it was true!
148. Late for work. Boss: Why are you late? Man I went to have my hair cut. Boss: What during works time? Man Well It grows during works time. Boss: Hey listen it doesn't all grow during works time! Man Well that's why I didn't have it all cut off!
149. This was actually used when I worked at Dairy Queen. I was out of town with my friend and we had a flat tire so I will not be able to come into work. Her friend that she claimed to be out of town with came though drive through within a hour.
150. A former coworker called in with this one: After a bad storm, her electricity was off. She called to tell us she couldn't come to work because she couldn't get her car out of the garage because she had an electric door opener and no electricity. She lived too far out to catch a ride with someone else.
134. "I can't make it to work today, my keys are locked in my car, my car is locked in the garage, and my husband is away for the week with the key to the garage....Sorry..."
135. "I can't come to work today, my chain came off my bicycle."
136. My dog dug a hole through the wall trying to get to a rabbit under my trailer. I have to get it patched because the trailer is for sale and someone is coming to look at it tomorrow. This excuse was from one of my co-workers!!!
137. I cannot come into work today because I came down with a bad case of something or other.
138. I was taking a shower and I drop the soap, as I reached down to pick it up ,I slipped an fell in the shower, which caused me to bust my lip ,twist my ankle, strain my back, stub my finger, and get soap in my eyes.
139. We have a horse and it has a habit of escaping, one morning I was running late as it was I leave my driveway, get on the road what do I see but the family horse trotting down the road. Well this is a stubborn horse and took me quite a while to get the horse back home. After this I called work and told them what had happen, the laughter was overwhelming, but I do think they believed me.
140. Friends of mine were performing in a band. They had a really important gig one Friday night. I knew this date and told my boss that I could not work late that night. Well me asked me that night to work late. I told him with a straight face. Sorry sir I have to go to a bar tonight and listen to some bad music.
141. Since some people still consider homosexuality a sickness it stands to reason that we can call into work "gay"...as in, I can't come in to work today, I'm gay.
142. I won't be in today....my hair wont start.
143. This excuse was called in by an employee one Friday morning where my stepfather was working about 20 years ago. " I won't be able to come in today. It seems that I have some unknown contagious disease; but I'll be fine on Monday". (true excuse)
144. I have to leave work early my kotex string broke.......I really used this one it works!
145. My husband called in work to tell them he couldn't find his cat and they took that excuse. We did find the cat though and my husband took the rest of the day off.
146. A work mate failed to turn up to work one day. Finally in the afternoon one of the managers rang him at home. He had only slept in until 10:00am but his clock had incorrectly displayed 5:00pm, too embarrassed to ring work he went back to sleep.
147. Over the years I have missed work or been late due to various illnesses, cars breaking down, sick horses and dogs, emergency babysitting, and even power outages causing the alarm clock to fail. My favorite story is the time my husband and I were late to work at a horse show where we were volunteering. We were over an hour late because the lock on the bathroom door in our hotel room broke, locking my husband inside! Everyone laughed when they thought it was a cute excuse. They laughed even more when they were persuaded it was true!
148. Late for work. Boss: Why are you late? Man I went to have my hair cut. Boss: What during works time? Man Well It grows during works time. Boss: Hey listen it doesn't all grow during works time! Man Well that's why I didn't have it all cut off!
149. This was actually used when I worked at Dairy Queen. I was out of town with my friend and we had a flat tire so I will not be able to come into work. Her friend that she claimed to be out of town with came though drive through within a hour.
150. A former coworker called in with this one: After a bad storm, her electricity was off. She called to tell us she couldn't come to work because she couldn't get her car out of the garage because she had an electric door opener and no electricity. She lived too far out to catch a ride with someone else.
151. I didn't come to work because I forgot to.
152. I'll be late because I'm having car trouble. The trouble is that I'm not in it yet. (I actually used this one day when I over slept...it worked.)
153. Miss an entire day of work, do not call in, do not do anything that is work-related, then when you go in to work the next day and are asked where you were, just simply say that you do not want to fucking talk about it. If you are pressed for an answer, just shake your head in disgust, and walk away. Remember to mumble all day, something about 'bitches and whores.
154. A Guy in our IT department was very late for work today because he said he couldn't get his garage door open, it took him two hours to dismantle it to get his car out!
155. My former supervisor once called in sick because she said she had a yeast infection! A few weeks later she called in sick again and said that she had hemorrhoids! (Actually happened)
156. I used this excuse and there's not a whole lot they can do. I called in and told them my front door fell off my house!
157. A friend of mine called into her work and told them she had amnesia and wasn't even sure if she worked there to be calling in sick.
158. I'm sorry that I'm late for work today boss. I stayed home to wait for the cable guy. Then I remembered that you don't pay me enough for me to have cable. So here I am.
159. Employee: Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't get my car started. Boss: Why not? Employee: I was asleep.
160. I can't come in to work today. When I woke up, I looked in the mirror and I saw a gray hair.
161. I can't come in today. I looked in the mirror and I saw wrinkles. Ugh!
162. I wont be in to work today, my cat hid my car key because he gets lonesome when I'm gone.
163. One of my employees called in last year with this excuse, and she was serious: I have a boil on the hair line of my pubic hair and it is sore.
164. I am a manager of a hardware store and I have heard the best ones !!! I once called an employee at noon who was supposed to be in at 8. He stated that he would not be in because the day before he was putting ladders away in the lumber department and he came down with hemorrhoids !!! Needless to say his pain in the ass is good for a lot of laughs !!!
165. I have a co-worker who had to miss work because she was breaking the ice in her freezer with a knife and hit the whatchamicallit (official name) that gives the freon to the freezer and her fridge was leaking freon. As this is a hazardous substance, she had to stay home and wait for the HazChem people to arrive.
152. I'll be late because I'm having car trouble. The trouble is that I'm not in it yet. (I actually used this one day when I over slept...it worked.)
153. Miss an entire day of work, do not call in, do not do anything that is work-related, then when you go in to work the next day and are asked where you were, just simply say that you do not want to fucking talk about it. If you are pressed for an answer, just shake your head in disgust, and walk away. Remember to mumble all day, something about 'bitches and whores.
154. A Guy in our IT department was very late for work today because he said he couldn't get his garage door open, it took him two hours to dismantle it to get his car out!
155. My former supervisor once called in sick because she said she had a yeast infection! A few weeks later she called in sick again and said that she had hemorrhoids! (Actually happened)
156. I used this excuse and there's not a whole lot they can do. I called in and told them my front door fell off my house!
157. A friend of mine called into her work and told them she had amnesia and wasn't even sure if she worked there to be calling in sick.
158. I'm sorry that I'm late for work today boss. I stayed home to wait for the cable guy. Then I remembered that you don't pay me enough for me to have cable. So here I am.
159. Employee: Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't get my car started. Boss: Why not? Employee: I was asleep.
160. I can't come in to work today. When I woke up, I looked in the mirror and I saw a gray hair.
161. I can't come in today. I looked in the mirror and I saw wrinkles. Ugh!
162. I wont be in to work today, my cat hid my car key because he gets lonesome when I'm gone.
163. One of my employees called in last year with this excuse, and she was serious: I have a boil on the hair line of my pubic hair and it is sore.
164. I am a manager of a hardware store and I have heard the best ones !!! I once called an employee at noon who was supposed to be in at 8. He stated that he would not be in because the day before he was putting ladders away in the lumber department and he came down with hemorrhoids !!! Needless to say his pain in the ass is good for a lot of laughs !!!
165. I have a co-worker who had to miss work because she was breaking the ice in her freezer with a knife and hit the whatchamicallit (official name) that gives the freon to the freezer and her fridge was leaking freon. As this is a hazardous substance, she had to stay home and wait for the HazChem people to arrive.
166. Overheard @ a Taco Bell " I have to go home, my baby has worms...." (unknown what baby means, human or animal).... "My baby has worms coming out of her mouth".
167. We were late to work because we had to pull off the road to watch the whales while they were breaching.
168. I felt so sick that I didn't feel like getting out of bed to get to the telephone to call in sick.
169. I got my truck stuck in the car wash yesterday and messed up my back and cut my hands pushing it out, so I wont be in to work today I broke the straps on my prosthetic leg and I have a bad sore on my stump and cant walk.
170. The babysitter didn't show up today so I cant come in to work.
171. My radiator has a leak in it. (employee routinely drives more than one car)
172. I wont be in to work today my girlfriends husbands dieing and I have to be there to console her.
173. I'm sorry I was late for work, but when I was getting ready to brush my teeth I squeezed to much toothpaste out of the tube and it took me a long time to get it all back in.
174. We had a girl call in with this excuse......"I can't come in to work as a skunk sprayed me last night!" Now how's that for an excuse?
175. The blankets were too heavy for me to lift so I was stuck in bed all day.
176. (Monday Morning) I won't be in today, I was cleaning my shower yesterday morning, and the fumes from the cleaner made me a little nauseous. (Tuesday Morning) I won't be in today, I am still feeling a little nauseous, you know...the fumes. (Wednesday) I am just going to take the rest of the week off, those fumes were really strong.---Someone actually used this in my office.
177. I work for a company that makes and sells UPS systems for computers. We have a tech here who does not like her job and has pretty much used every excuse there is. Like, "I'm having menopausal hot flashes," and she's only 32 years old. The best came to us on a Tuesday, which happened to be the first day of the Consumer Electronic Show in Vegas. The bosses were gone. She comes in at 11:30, instead of 8:00 like she's supposed to and gives me the old "I-thought-it-was-Saturday!" HA! On a Tuesday?! I think NOT!
178. I was really horney last night and I had my thumb in my ass when I sneezed!! I clinched up so violently that I broke my thumb and will not be able to return to work for at least two weeks! OOOPS
179. I was trying to find an excuse for work in the morning. I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday 12 hours a day. My Boss knows I like to drink alot! I wanted to watch football on Sunday since I work Sunday during the day. But, I once I left a message he never got. So I might use it tonight. " Sam I just met this great Lady"....I'm single 40.... I knew he would understand." I think I'm going to get lucky....so I hope! I won't be at work in the morning!" He never got the message and I didn't get lucky, but I did get drunk and didn't get into trouble, even if he heard it!
180. Sorry for not coming into work yesterday. I had the making up for everyone else but me taking time off from work flu!
167. We were late to work because we had to pull off the road to watch the whales while they were breaching.
168. I felt so sick that I didn't feel like getting out of bed to get to the telephone to call in sick.
169. I got my truck stuck in the car wash yesterday and messed up my back and cut my hands pushing it out, so I wont be in to work today I broke the straps on my prosthetic leg and I have a bad sore on my stump and cant walk.
170. The babysitter didn't show up today so I cant come in to work.
171. My radiator has a leak in it. (employee routinely drives more than one car)
172. I wont be in to work today my girlfriends husbands dieing and I have to be there to console her.
173. I'm sorry I was late for work, but when I was getting ready to brush my teeth I squeezed to much toothpaste out of the tube and it took me a long time to get it all back in.
174. We had a girl call in with this excuse......"I can't come in to work as a skunk sprayed me last night!" Now how's that for an excuse?
175. The blankets were too heavy for me to lift so I was stuck in bed all day.
176. (Monday Morning) I won't be in today, I was cleaning my shower yesterday morning, and the fumes from the cleaner made me a little nauseous. (Tuesday Morning) I won't be in today, I am still feeling a little nauseous, you know...the fumes. (Wednesday) I am just going to take the rest of the week off, those fumes were really strong.---Someone actually used this in my office.
177. I work for a company that makes and sells UPS systems for computers. We have a tech here who does not like her job and has pretty much used every excuse there is. Like, "I'm having menopausal hot flashes," and she's only 32 years old. The best came to us on a Tuesday, which happened to be the first day of the Consumer Electronic Show in Vegas. The bosses were gone. She comes in at 11:30, instead of 8:00 like she's supposed to and gives me the old "I-thought-it-was-Saturday!" HA! On a Tuesday?! I think NOT!
178. I was really horney last night and I had my thumb in my ass when I sneezed!! I clinched up so violently that I broke my thumb and will not be able to return to work for at least two weeks! OOOPS
179. I was trying to find an excuse for work in the morning. I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday 12 hours a day. My Boss knows I like to drink alot! I wanted to watch football on Sunday since I work Sunday during the day. But, I once I left a message he never got. So I might use it tonight. " Sam I just met this great Lady"....I'm single 40.... I knew he would understand." I think I'm going to get lucky....so I hope! I won't be at work in the morning!" He never got the message and I didn't get lucky, but I did get drunk and didn't get into trouble, even if he heard it!
180. Sorry for not coming into work yesterday. I had the making up for everyone else but me taking time off from work flu!