So You Hit on an Underage Girl: A Survival Guide
(1) Misdirection – While in most cases this requires a silver tongue, and a oratory gift, SYHUG:ASG recommends you switch the conversation to one of two topics: The increasing federal interest rates on floating bonds, backed by a bull economy or ponies.
Ex. 'Hey there good looking, did you just come out of the oven, cause you are hot, hot, hot.' 'I'm fourteen.' 'I wonder if the Clydesdales in those Budweiser commercials are hot? Because when they are ponies running through the meadows there is, like, no air conditioning in commercial studios.'
2) Lost Tourist Feint – You are waiting at the corner, your eyes successfully glued to the calves of the girl in front of you, she turns around and notices the puddle of saliva at your feet. Finally catching her face, you realize she can't be more than ten. Spin around and point randomly into the air, and start talking loudly in a series of mutterings. If you have a camera take pictures of clouds and skyscrapers.
3) Act retarded – While not exactly PC, SYHUG:ASG has noticed that this excuse lets you get away with anything. Slack your jaw, smile like Santa Clause just gave you a blowjob, and ask her if she's seen your Mommy.
4) Act Stupid – If your perceived IQ is roughly equivalent to a blender, or our president, she can't possibly press charges. Stammering helps, as one of our field researchers, A William Zone, found out, 'I...um, listen. I...hey. Wet. Young. What? Yes...accident. Smoking. Sometimes, you know...I don't know. Afraid. Pervert. Staring. Dripping Teen. Illegal? What?' Though we recommend you never actually utter such 'trigger' words as: pervert, illegal, zucchini in my pocket.
5) Bribery – So you slapped her ass before talking to her. When your hand bounced off the tight layer of baby fat and your jaw shattered on the floor it's best not to think. Simply reach into your wallet, pull out your credit card and walk with her into the first designer store you see. No one will ask any questions, they'll just think she's your little sister.
6) Projection – Reversal, reversal, reversal. So you just called a fifteen-year-old, 'sexy mama' as you ran your hand up the side of her face? Reverse the situation. SHE was trying to hit on YOU. She was touching you; she was making lewd gestures in the mirror with her tongue and bragging about the ability to unwrap a starburst without her hands. AS she tries to get a grasp of the situation, refer to point (10)
7) Confusion – Just as a thirteen-year-old if she wanted to check out your 'love machine?' Explain that a love machine is a machine that tests how in love you could possibly be, should you be, in this particular quadrant of the universe, parallel with some other quadrant of specific quantum communication with the reverse vampires able to contact the pod people, which is only dependant on your grandmother's dentures turning into a fossilized egg when sat upon by a golden retriever. As she stares at you, eyes glazed, ask to see the license of her friend.
8) Play Dead – People die all the time... why NOT in the middle of the street after the girl you just tried to pick up explained she's sixteen. Just drop and hold your breathe. It's New York, no one is going to touch you to check. 'Yeah, I'm sixteen.' 'Oh reall-' And fall backwards. Don't use this as an excuse to see if she's as supple as she looks... or try to look up her skirt.
9) Miscommunication – It was allllll a misunderstanding! She looks just like your sister! Why of course you kiss your sister on the check and pinch her ass, while asking if her tag says made in heaven. It's your little joke! No reason to be offended.
10) Run Away – Cowardly? Yes. Juvenile? Yes. Better than serving 3-5? Yes. Before the phrase, 'Well, I just graduated Junior High,' leaves her mouth, do a 180 and sprint like you are being chased by a large bull of a man, known as... her father.
