The Joke Thread
- Thread starter 1God
- Start date
a mailman is retiring after working 20 yrs on the same route.
all the residents of the block give him lovely baskets and cards and parting gifts.
when he gets to the one of the last houses he is invited in by a sexy house wife who undresses him and breaks him off... then she sits him at her table and serves him a huge breakfast....he tells her that he got a lot of great gifts that day but nothin compared to her parting gift. as she clears off the table she places a one dollar bill in front of him....
a little confused he asks....whatz this dollar for?
the woman replies, '' well when i asked my husband what we should get you for your retirement gift he said ....fuck 'em, give em a dollar!....the breakfast was my idea..''
all the residents of the block give him lovely baskets and cards and parting gifts.
when he gets to the one of the last houses he is invited in by a sexy house wife who undresses him and breaks him off... then she sits him at her table and serves him a huge breakfast....he tells her that he got a lot of great gifts that day but nothin compared to her parting gift. as she clears off the table she places a one dollar bill in front of him....
a little confused he asks....whatz this dollar for?
the woman replies, '' well when i asked my husband what we should get you for your retirement gift he said ....fuck 'em, give em a dollar!....the breakfast was my idea..''
What did redneck girl say after she lost her virginity?
Dad get off me your chrushing my smokes!
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What is a form of birth control in West Virginia?
Bein able to beat up your brothers and out running your dad.
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What do call White people running down a mountain?
avalanche
What do call Black people running down a mountain?
mudslide
What do call Spanish people running down a mountain?
jailbreak
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A Chinese guy was skipping rocks across a lake one day. A Black man came by and asked what he was doing?
He said, "You skip the rock across the water and it will tell you your ancestors."
Watch. He skipped a rock across the water and it said, "Ching, Chang, Zing!"
The Black guy said, "Let me try that."
He skipped a rock across the water and it went, "Chim Pan Zees!"
Then he got mad said fuck that. Went to top of Hill droped biggest rock could find in water. It went " Ba-BOON"
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A Jewish Kid wakes up. He goes to kicthen then an asks Hitler Have you see my Dad? By the way food smells good. Hitler replys your smelling him.
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Who was the greatest Jewish Cook Ever?
Hitler
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How do you say "Fuck You" in Yiddish?
Trust me.
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Whats the Differance between a Jew and a Pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream in the oven
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What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets
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How do you stop a jew from drowning??
Take your foot off his face.
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How do you identify a Jews house at Christmas?
There's a parking meter on the roof.
Dad get off me your chrushing my smokes!
-
What is a form of birth control in West Virginia?
Bein able to beat up your brothers and out running your dad.
-
What do call White people running down a mountain?
avalanche
What do call Black people running down a mountain?
mudslide
What do call Spanish people running down a mountain?
jailbreak
-
A Chinese guy was skipping rocks across a lake one day. A Black man came by and asked what he was doing?
He said, "You skip the rock across the water and it will tell you your ancestors."
Watch. He skipped a rock across the water and it said, "Ching, Chang, Zing!"
The Black guy said, "Let me try that."
He skipped a rock across the water and it went, "Chim Pan Zees!"
Then he got mad said fuck that. Went to top of Hill droped biggest rock could find in water. It went " Ba-BOON"
-
A Jewish Kid wakes up. He goes to kicthen then an asks Hitler Have you see my Dad? By the way food smells good. Hitler replys your smelling him.
-
Who was the greatest Jewish Cook Ever?
Hitler
-
How do you say "Fuck You" in Yiddish?
Trust me.
-
Whats the Differance between a Jew and a Pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream in the oven
-
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets
-
How do you stop a jew from drowning??
Take your foot off his face.
-
How do you identify a Jews house at Christmas?
There's a parking meter on the roof.
A GUY COMES HOME FROM WORK AND SEE A GORILLA SITTING ON HIS ROOF
THE GUY RUNS OVER TO HIS NEIGHBORS HOUSE LOOKS THRU THE PHONE BOOK AND SEES THAT THERE IS AN EXTERMINATOR THAT SPECIALIZES IN GORILLA CAPTURES SO HE CALLS HIM OVER AND THE EXTERMINATOR HURRIES OVER.
WHEN THE EXTERMINATOR GETS OUT OF THE TRUCK HE HAS A BASEBALL BAT A CHIUHUA AND A SHOT GUN.
THE GUY IS CURIOUS AS TO HOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO GO DOWN
SO THE EXTERMINATOR EXPLAINS
WELL I'M GOING TO GET UP ON THE ROOF AND KNOCK THAT GORILLA OFF THE ROOF WITH THIS BAT WHEN HE COMES TUMBLING DOWN THE CHIUHUA WILL SPRING INTO ACTION AND ATTACK THE GORILLAS TENDER PARTS AND HOLD IT DOWN....
THE GUY ASKS THE EXTERMINATOR WELL WHATS THE SHOT GUN FOR?????
IF THAT GORILLA KNOCKS ME OFF THE ROOF "SHOOT THE FUCKIN DOG!!!!!!!"
THE GUY RUNS OVER TO HIS NEIGHBORS HOUSE LOOKS THRU THE PHONE BOOK AND SEES THAT THERE IS AN EXTERMINATOR THAT SPECIALIZES IN GORILLA CAPTURES SO HE CALLS HIM OVER AND THE EXTERMINATOR HURRIES OVER.
WHEN THE EXTERMINATOR GETS OUT OF THE TRUCK HE HAS A BASEBALL BAT A CHIUHUA AND A SHOT GUN.
THE GUY IS CURIOUS AS TO HOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO GO DOWN
SO THE EXTERMINATOR EXPLAINS
WELL I'M GOING TO GET UP ON THE ROOF AND KNOCK THAT GORILLA OFF THE ROOF WITH THIS BAT WHEN HE COMES TUMBLING DOWN THE CHIUHUA WILL SPRING INTO ACTION AND ATTACK THE GORILLAS TENDER PARTS AND HOLD IT DOWN....
THE GUY ASKS THE EXTERMINATOR WELL WHATS THE SHOT GUN FOR?????
IF THAT GORILLA KNOCKS ME OFF THE ROOF "SHOOT THE FUCKIN DOG!!!!!!!"
Three women broke out of jail, a blonde, brunette, and a red-head.
as they are running with the sheriffs on their tail, they duck and hide in a barn. in the barn they find three burlap sacks to hide in.. the sheriffs look in the barn and see no signs of them. as the sheriffs are walking out of the barn they notice the sacks. one sheriff tells the other to check it out. so one of the sheriffs walk up to the burlap sack that has the brunette in it and kicks it. she says "meow" so the sheriff says its cool. its only a cat. then he goes to the sack with the red-head in it and kicks it. she says "woof" so the sheriff says its cool. its only a dog. finally he goes to the sack with the blonde in it. he kicks it and that bitch says "potatoes"
as they are running with the sheriffs on their tail, they duck and hide in a barn. in the barn they find three burlap sacks to hide in.. the sheriffs look in the barn and see no signs of them. as the sheriffs are walking out of the barn they notice the sacks. one sheriff tells the other to check it out. so one of the sheriffs walk up to the burlap sack that has the brunette in it and kicks it. she says "meow" so the sheriff says its cool. its only a cat. then he goes to the sack with the red-head in it and kicks it. she says "woof" so the sheriff says its cool. its only a dog. finally he goes to the sack with the blonde in it. he kicks it and that bitch says "potatoes"
Heaven or Hell?
A Indian guy is sitting in a bus stop with two old Anglo men.
The first Anglo guy says, "Hey Herb, where you going for vacation this year?"
Herb tells him, "I'm going to Montana to fish this year",
The first guy looks at him and exclaims, "What you want to go there fer? They ain't nothin but a bunch of damned Indians up there."
Herb then says, "Well, where you goin?"
The first guy says, "I'm going to Arizona and soak up some sun!"
Herb looks at him and yells, "You moron, there's nothing but a bunch of Indians in Arizona!"
Then the little Indian guy speaks up and comments, "Why don't you both just go to hell! There's no Indians there."
A Indian guy is sitting in a bus stop with two old Anglo men.
The first Anglo guy says, "Hey Herb, where you going for vacation this year?"
Herb tells him, "I'm going to Montana to fish this year",
The first guy looks at him and exclaims, "What you want to go there fer? They ain't nothin but a bunch of damned Indians up there."
Herb then says, "Well, where you goin?"
The first guy says, "I'm going to Arizona and soak up some sun!"
Herb looks at him and yells, "You moron, there's nothing but a bunch of Indians in Arizona!"
Then the little Indian guy speaks up and comments, "Why don't you both just go to hell! There's no Indians there."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
An indian gets pulled over in Pine Ridge for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the indian says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."
The cop asks for his registration and the indian says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the car. The supervisor asks to see the indian's drivers license and he hands it over and it is valid with his real name and information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the indian says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells him to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the indian's name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks him to get out and open the trunk. He opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the him what the other cop had told him. The indian says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"
The cop asks for his registration and the indian says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the car. The supervisor asks to see the indian's drivers license and he hands it over and it is valid with his real name and information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the indian says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells him to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the indian's name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks him to get out and open the trunk. He opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the him what the other cop had told him. The indian says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"