Deep Thoughts

  • Wanna Join? New users you can now register lightning fast using your Facebook or Twitter accounts.
Dec 9, 2005
11,518
31
0
36
#1
Deep Thoughts


· More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is how I can¹t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story
that¹s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

· Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

· I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they've invented the lighter?

· Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just doing a 180 and walking back in the direction from which
you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or
make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the
surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the
sidewalk.

· I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

· The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never end a
work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

· Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work?
You would take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

· There is a great need for sarcasm font.

· Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw
it.

· I think everyone has a movie that they love so much that it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. You end up wasting 90
minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the
right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really
gets it.

· How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

· I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take
2 trips to bring my groceries in.

· I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

· The only time I look forward to a red light is when I¹m trying to finish a
text.

· A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

· Was learning cursive really necessary?

· Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".

· I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

· Answering a question with the same letter three times or more in a row on
a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

· My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

· Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

· How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

· I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

· While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

· MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.

· Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.

· I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.

· Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.

· I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

· Bad decisions make good stories

· Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder
BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

· Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

· If Carmen Sandiego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
likely be completely invisible.

· Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I
know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

· You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren¹t doing anything productive for
the rest of the day. (Probably already happened if you are reading this
e-mail.)

· Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to
have to restart my collection.

· There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

· I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of MS Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

· "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

· I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on?' 'I bet everyone is wishing we weren¹t watching this.' 'It's
only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.' 'Will we
still be friends after this?'

· While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and
USA. I am not of Chinese descent but I am fairly certain that when Chinese
athletes don¹t win, they are executed.

· I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

· I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

· When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

· I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

· Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...

· As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

· Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

· It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

· I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

· I think that if, years down the road when I¹m trying to have a kid, I find
out that I¹m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that
I was not aware of my condition in college.

· Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.

· Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but
I¹d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...


_____________________________________________

Got this in an email the other day, thought some of 'em were pretty funny. Happy Friday Siccness !
 

cb90

Sicc OG
Oct 7, 2007
614
18
18
32
#7
· I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw
it.

· Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just doing a 180 and walking back in the direction from which
you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or
make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the
surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the
sidewalk.


· Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work?
You would take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

LOL real shit
 
Mar 20, 2007
2,358
6
0
31
#12
and fuck, all these mentions of being a kid... I've been acting like a kid again whenever I can and that shit is fun as fuck. Getting through the day has been hell of a lot easier when I'm just laughing, acting a fool, and just doing random bullshit that pleases me.
 
Feb 1, 2006
1,229
6
0
#17
If I had a monkey

Obviously having your own monkey would be fantastic for a whole host of reasons but as they are quite intelligent yet unable to speak, they have the advantage of learning very quickly through beatings while being unable to tell anyone. Below is a list of the kind of monkeys that would be good to have. The list is far from complete as it omits Jetski monkey, Boiling water monkey and Battlestar Galactica Monkey but covers the basic best kinds of monkeys.


Disguised Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would borrow my mums sewing machine and make my monkey a little monkey suit. Then if anyone said "Thats not a real monkey, it's just a monkey suit, I can see the zipper", I could say "I bet you fifty dollars it is a real monkey" and when they said "that seems like a reasonable bet, you are on", my monkey would take off the monkey suit and they would have to pay me fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. For the monkey. So he wouldn't mind spending his life in a monkey suit.


Gambling Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach him to count cards like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rainman and sneak my monkey into the casino. If anyone said "Hey a monkey, who's monkey is that?" I would say "It's not my monkey".


Singing Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it to sing Kylie Minogue songs. Then if Kylie passed out on stage again I would be able to save the day by having my monkey finish the concert for her. The concert promotors would probably give me free tickets and promotional gifts. Kylie would be so thankful that she might send me an autographed photo and I could sell it on ebay for fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. Not for the monkey, for me.


Paddling Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use a paddle. The next time I went kayaking I would be able to relax and enjoy the scenery while my monkey navigated the river. Also, the last time I went kayaking I was listening to my ipod and I fell asleep and got sunburnt and the current took me way up the river before I awoke when the kayak hit a tree branch and I had to paddle all the way back. Having a paddling monkey would prevent this ever happening again so really it is a water-safety issue and should be encouraged.


Channel Changing Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use all the entertainment equipment. I would save money on batteries for the remote controls by having my monkey change channels for me. With the money I saved on batteries I would buy drugs. I would share the drugs with the monkey while we watched Black Books and Stephen Chow movies together.


Hairdressing Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair - using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would either give me more time in the morning or allow me to spend more time sleeping. I would just waste the extra half hour anyway so probably better to sleep but as I usually don't rock up to work till ten thirty or so, I could try leaving earlier. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.


Surveilance Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it to track down people who annoy me by using their profile photo and google maps. Using earpieces to communicate, I would have my monkey conceal himself behind the person typing on facesook® and when that person wrote something stupid I would have my monkey run up and slap them on the back of the head really hard then make a quick escape. Having several monkeys would be more convenient but I don't have time to train seven monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the mornings.


5 Fun Things to do with a Monkey

1. Constructing and flying box kites
2. eyetoy
3. Running down sand dunes
4. Playing Connect 4
5. Dressups


Web Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it to download porn for me. This way I could spend my time watching it instead of looking for it. I estimate this would save me one hundred and thirty hours a week. I would obviously require a monkey with similar tastes to mine but how hard can it be to find a monkey with a penchant for pregnant german women in latex?


Yellow Shirt Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would name it Brendon. I would shave the monkey and buy a yellow shirt for it and teach it to write inane posts on the Australian wall. Occasionally I would burn the monkey with a cigarette lighter but not to cause enough damage to detract it from it's primary goal; impersonating a retard.


Ceramic Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would name it Steve Darls and use it for scientific research. I would then publish my findings in a journal titled "Monkey Vs Electricity". With the proceeds from the sale of this publication, I would buy a potters wheel and kiln and produce my own range of contemporary, modern living, statues of monkeys. I could make a cast of my dead monkey and use it to produce to-scale ceramic monkeys. I would design a sticker stating that part proceeds go to Greenpeace but would keep all the money for myself. With the money, I would buy drugs and spend my days stoned, listening to music and turning pots.



If I had a monkey, it would not be like the kind in the above picture as this monkey is white and has some kind of fruit smeared all over its face. I would want a clean monkey.


Sex with Monkeys

If a woman had sex with a gorilla, getting pregnant and giving birth, we would be able see what mans early ancestors really looked like and include actual photographs in scientific volumes dealing with Neanderthal man. Due to the mixing of species, it might not be possible to produce offspring or it might be more likely if a man had sex with a female gorilla but this would be much less fun to watch. Due to father/mother percentage variations we would probably need about 50 women to do it to get an average. We could put the babies on an island with hidden cameras and see if they invent the wheel and discover fire. Call it Monkey Island and sell series rights. Another bonus would be enough actors to produce footage that would make the opening scenes from '2001 A Space Odyssey' look like a primary school play. I would call mine Manky as it is a cross between man and monkey and would teach him to love.

http://www.27bslash6.com/monkey.html