nah man, the vasectomy is sooooooo 1990's
I prefer this, its quick easy and effective
You Will Need: Marker, one surgical steel scalpel, alcohol, cotton swabs, vaginal or anal speculum, one surgical steel pipe join, two rolls sterile gauze, 2-4 fertilized chicken eggs, boiled cedar shavings, cosmetic mirror, suturing material.
Do It Yourself Procedure: Shave your scrotum carefully beforehand! Position all materials needed within easy reach and place the mirror just in front of your genitals so that you have a clear view of your scrotum. Grasp your penis between the thumb and forefinger of your off hand and lift it towards your stomach so that your scrotum is protruding. Use the marker to draw an incision guide four inches long. Start an inch or so past your taint and run the line up towards your penis. Apply alcohol (and iodine solution if you have it) thoroughly to the scrotum.
Begin the incision starting closest to your penis and cutting down and away from you. Make a single determined cut if at all possible. The incision does not have to be deep, but the cutting will be deliciously painful and you have to avoid ejaculating all over the sterile operating area. Once you have finished, use the speculum to open the incision. Don't worry if the spreader armatures catch on your testicles and tear them; you will be removing them shortly.
Using the mirror and your fingers as a guide, insert the scalpel into your scrotum and begin cutting out your testicles and any mesentery material. This portion of the procedure will be very painful and you may pass out, that's okay, if you feel faint just try to remove the scalpel from your scrotum first. When you are done clean the wound with boiled water or saline, then pat dry with cotton swabs and clean thoroughly with alcohol. Pack the wound with sterile gauze. Do not suture the wound!!
Allow your scrotum to heal, but keep the sac fully packed with gauze so that it does not wither. Change the bandages daily and do not allow the incision wound to close. After a week you should be ready to begin "overpacking". Over a two week period load increasingly larger quantities of gauze into your scrotum to stretch its dimensions. Continue this until it is roughly twice the original size (depending on original size) and then prepare for the second operation.
Clear out any gauze in your scrotum and begin by inserting a handful or so of the sterilized cedar chips as bedding for the chicks. Suture the surgical steel pipe join firmly into the wound opening by threading the stitches through the join itself and back through your scrotum. Roughly one hundred will be needed to keep the join in place. Be sure to keep each thread tight, otherwise the chicks may mistake them for food. Insert the fertilized eggs through the pipe join and into your scrotum. Nestle them carefully in the cedar bedding and then close off the pipe join with a wad of gauze. Your body is now incubating life!
Warnings:
Surgery best performed with a "buddy" present to apply smelling salts during operations. This is common sense.
Once the chicks hatch they may begin pecking at your scrotum's inner wall. This is normal and should be relatively painless thanks to reduced blood flow. If a chick manages to poke its beak through your scrotum it's probably time to let them out.
If the chicks do not seem willing to eat the remains of their eggs you may have to feed them.
When the hatched chicks are living within your scrotum they may attempt to burrow upwards into your abdominal cavity. While this may be survivable it is not recommended.
Be aware that guano may collect within your scrotum, so be sure to monitor the hygiene inside.
