time killers for tuesday you fucks

[mustynutz]

no one will read these...
truth hurts...even for a whore

I am a very honest person. I wouldn't say I never lie...that would be a lie. I do however, have to have a damn good reason to feel the need to lie. I don't consider this a flaw. I think honesty is a quality everyone should have. I look for this when I choose friends.

Unfortunately, I somehow wound up with a best friend who was quite possibly a pathological liar. I don't know how it happened or how I stayed friends with her for so long. That is beside the point. She used to tell me that she valued my friendship because she knew I would always be honest with her. I believed her.

Over the years, her true self started showing through. I didn't mind the fact that she was a whore. It's her body and she can do whatever she wants with it. I didn't even mind the fact that people thought I was a whore because she was my friend. I did mind the fact that she cheated on all of her boyfriends and lied to them in front of me. That really fucking pissed me off.

Things changed when a new boy rolled into the scene. He was a complete moron and she fell hard for him. He was a whore himself. He had one kid with an ex-wife and another kid with his current fiancee. He was just her type. After a month, he decided they would get married and buy a house together. It's a good thing she had money because he was paying child support for two kids now. They made their announcement and then he broke it off with the other girl. They even decided they could cheat on eachother during their marriage! It would be perfect!

Up until this point, nobody knew what was going on. She didn't have a ring yet so it wasn't obvious. She casually mentioned the news of the engagement to me. She wanted to know my opinion because she knew I would tell her what I really thought. I told her the truth.

I told her she was a fucking moron. I didn't use those exact words because she was my friend after all, but there really is no nice way to tell someone they are stupid. She understood where I was coming from and thanked me for my honesty. I supported her even though I disagreed with her. I even went dress shopping with her and helped her find a caterer and a photographer. Everything seemed fine.

My birthday was in three weeks. She kept talking about what an awesome present she had for me. I still thought everything was fine. I even asked her if we were okay and she insisted we were. On my birthday a co-worker brought me a piece of cake. I love birthday cake. It's my favorite thing about having a birthday. All of my friends know this. So, when I forgot my cake at work, I had to go back and get it. When I got there I discovered my cake had been smashed. <insert the rage>

That fucking bitch had stepped on my birthday cake! You should never fuck with someone's cake. I thought about all of the things I should do to her. Maybe I should rape her face with my fist. No, that was too easy. Maybe I should kill her boy thingee. No, that would help her in the long run. I thought about all of the things I knew she hated and it hit me. She could not stand being embarrassed in public.

She didn't know I had found the cake and was still coming out with me to celebrate. Stupid bitch. I waited for the perfect moment. The band at the bar decided to take a break and the whole place got pretty quiet. I took a piece of birthday cake out of my purse. I set it on the table and slammed my palm into. The loud vibrating noise that came forth made the entire occupancy of the bar turn around, including the bitch who was about it eat it. As soon as she was facing me I smashed it into the side of her head yelling, "I can't believe you gave Tom herpes! He's fucking married!" While the crowd was preoccupied with laughter I told her if she wanted cake that badly all she had to do was ask.

She left with cake in her eye yelling jumbled profanities back at me. Several bar patrons bought me birthday shots after that. The last I heard about that fuckbag was that she bought a house for the guy and he dumped her right after. Her parents haven't forgiven her yet. They lost several thousand dollars in down payments for the wedding. I, however, am invited over for Christmas.

one piece of smashed birthday cake- $2.50
one bar of soap to clean up- &1.75
utter embarrassment to a whore- priceless

 

[mustynutz]

The hotel I work at is a business class, corporate hotel.

90% of our guests are from companies that have rate contracts with us.

A good 50% of our guests stay at least 6 times a year.

So most of our guests know how the hotel is run.

They know we have a free breakfast, but no other meals.
They know that our shuttle only goes about 10 miles, doesn't not go to the airport, and is only from 6AM to midnight.
They know that housekeeping is only here from 8AM to 5PM, and they will not clean your room in the middle of your stay unless you place the little "Cleaning Service Needed" placard on the door in the morning.

Like I said, MOST of our guests know that.

-----

I was working the audit last night, and since it's the week before Christmas tthere is just about no one here. Our Occupancy was seriously hovering just above single digits.

So I'm sitting at my desk doing all the various bits of paperwork I need to do when I hear the bell at the front desk.

I put on my vest, look around the corner, and there stands a man, drunk as a lord, leaning against my counter.

"May I help you, sir?"

"Clean my room, damnit."

"Excuse me, sir?"

"My room is dirty, and it wasn't cleaned this morning. I want it cleaned before I go to sleep."


Well, um. OK then........ I'm thinking the guy is just missing some towels or something, so I ask what he needs in the room.

"What do you need in the room, sir?" (See, I asked.)

"I want the damn thing cleaned!"

"Aright sir, can you please not yell? It's past 2 in the morning, and there are guests sleeping down the hall."

"I don't care! I'm not sleeping in a dirty room!"

I'm a bit annoyed now.

"Sir, what was not cleaned in your room?"

"Everything! God damnit, everything! It's a mess, and I'm not sleeping in it!"

"Well sir, did you put the placard on your door this morning for cleaning service?"

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"Because during a stay, that's when we clean a room. Here in Denver, we're going through one heck of a drought, so we try to save as much water as possible, so we don't wash towels or sheets unless the guests requests it by putting that placard on their door handle in the morning."

"HORSESHITCLEANMYROOMGODDAMNIT!"

"Sir, once again, please don't yell in my lobby, and I ask you not to cuss at me, alright?"

"I WANT TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!"

I love this phrase. As I said before, I'm the weekend manager.

So I walk back into the office, put on my nametag, and walk back out to the desk.

"Yes sir, how may I help you?"

"You're guy at the desk is a dick!"

Well... I guess he's so drunk he doesn't realize it's still me. While this takes out some of the fun I get from pulling that, I still was a bit amused.

"Sir, that was me. And I will say it again for ya. Housekeeping only cleans rooms during a guests stay if they put the placard on the door. And I will not go clean your room now, because I am the only employee here, and I am not allowed to leave the entry and desk area. I'm sure housekeeping will be glad to clean your room first thing in the morning, and if that is not acceptable, I'm sure I can find another room in the hotel that is clean and acceptable to you."

He's now staring at me, blankly.

"If you don't get my room cleaned now, I swear to God I will never stay at this hotel again."

Gauntlet thrown.

"Fine sir. But I see in your reservation that you work with Daimler Chrysler. We're the only hotel in the Tech Center that have a direct bill agreement with them. If you go to another hotel, I can assure you that you'll be paying out of pocket, and you'll also be paying $60 more per night."

And with that, I walk back to my office.

I wait for a minute, and check the desk again.
He's gone.

I came in today, expecting to be blasted by the GM about how I handled the situation.

Nothing.

I ask if anyone had heard anything about the room, and the housekeeping manager piped up.

"Whoever was in that room puked all over the bathroom counter, and pissed the bed."

Yeah.

I love working in a hotel.

 

[mustynutz]

We all know this cat from our storybook rhymes;
From happier times, and from sunnier climes,
But the clock always ticks, and the chime always chimes,
And the Cat in the Hat, well, he fell on hard times.

And here the Cat sits in his small run down house
And he's smoking crack pipes with his common-law spouse
And there's shit on the floor
And there's cops at the door
But he's distracted staring down his bitch's blouse

And he's thinking of old days, of good times, of fun
Of those kids that he messed with, and things that he's done
And he's wondering how it all came down to this -
To this shitty life, shitty wife, shit-eating bliss.

He could blame his slut mother, but he won't do that;
How much can you really expect from a cat?
And he could blame society, could blame his friends
But instead, he decides that he must make amends.

And he leaps to his feet, and he yells a glad yell,
And, leaving the silly dumb bitch where she fell
Over onto the floor, as she rolled off his lap,
He jumps out of the window, screaming "Fuck this crap!"

And children, I beg you, if reading this book
Turn your young eyes away - don't you peek, don't you look
For the Cat in the Hat
Who took up smoking crack
Fell down twenty floors
To the street
And went splat.

 

[SilvaDoLLaDyme]

::yawn::

 

[LaKeRzz8]

cool?

 

[iaoish]

Good read

 

[Hihlosis]

The hotel one had me goin'.........................outro

 

[azryda420]

the hotel one was funny.