Santa Charged With Possesion Of Dank..lol

[mrtonguetwista]

HIGHLAND PARK, Mich. (AP) - A man who visited a middle school dressed as Santa Claus on Thursday left with a citation for misdemeanor marijuana possession.

The 40-year-old Detroit man faces up to 90 days in jail and a $500 fine after a small plastic bag of marijuana was found in the pocket of his street coat, which he left in a school restroom, Wayne County Sheriff's Department officials said.

A deputy who works at the school found the marijuana while searching the coat for identification after a teacher found it in the bathroom. The man dressed as Santa approached the deputy a short time later and identified the coat.

The man denied the pot was his. His wife, who was at the school to take pictures of Santa with the students, apparently did not know the marijuana was in her husband's coat, officials said.

``She was not happy,'' Lt. Paul Jones said. ``It's going to be a long ride back to the North Pole.''

 

[mustynutz]

i knew it

lets see

Santa delivery "presents" (drugs) to "good kids" (smokers) and he carries what is know as his "sack"

he only comes once a year (right after harvest time ....hmmmm)

no ones has ever really seen him ( i mean cmon ..you'd have ot be high to think of that fuckin ridiculous north pole story)

and Santa has these "elves" that work for him ...and what does he pay these elves...? is there an elf union?...do they get benefits?

i think Santa "elves" are just the local dopefiends he hires for Xmas, and he calls them elves cause im sure sme shit comes up short in the end...

And how does that fat muthafucka fit down a chimney? ....and what about muthafucka wit no chimney?....that nigga come to my window and Im shootin and tellin the police i though he was a gangbanger...

 

[mustynutz]

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

Point #1 - No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

Point #2 - There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the original total. - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each.

Point #3 - Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming that he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

Point #4 - The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine reindeer. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for purposes of comparison, this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

Point #5 - 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. PER SECOND. EACH. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 THOUSANDTHS of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, HE'S DEAD NOW !

 

[mustynutz]

Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....

 

[mustynutz]

Dear boys and girls,

I know this is very short notice, but I wish to tender my resignation.

This is not a decision I have taken lightly.

But I feel you have given me no alternative.

This action might have been averted if my pleas last year, the year before and the past umpteen years had not gone completely unanswered.

But I am sick of the silence, you hear!

I have had enough of being taken for granted.
Mrs Claus has had enough.
The elves have had enough.
And Rudolph the red-nose reindeer and all the other reindeers have had enough (in fact, they're the most angry. They wanted to do one more Christmas Eve run just so they could poop down everyone's chimney but I persuaded them against this course of action. I think they are happy now because of my assurances that I will look after their best interests. Their future is my future.).

Let me recap on my grievances, just so we can all be quite clear about why I am quitting:

1. When I started out at this job, the world's population was something less than a billion. Now there are more than six billion, and my hours are considerably longer. I am constantly being told to work smarter, not harder. Yeah, right. As if? The mistake I made was trusting my employers.



2. It is all very quaint - very Christmassy - being towed around the world on a sleigh drawn by reindeer. But we are have embarked on the third millennium, for goodness sake. Surely the technology exists to replace the reindeer with a rocket or a Very Fast Train. The reindeer are slow. Dead slow. I dread the Christmas Eve one of them actually keels over from exhaustion. Have you ever called roadside service and asked if they fixed dead reindeer? On Christmas Eve?

3. I have not had a pay rise since 1812 and my uniform has not been updated for longer. Even the army of part-time workers at McDonald's gets paid more than me, and look a whole lot smarter in their sensible outfits. I feel like an underpaid, unkempt dork.

4. Nobody ever buys me anything for Christmas. Not once in several hundred years of faithful work. I don't want much. An electric shaver would have been nice. Or a meat mincer. Yeah, Mrs Claus and I could have done with that.

5. Many households make a big fuss about leaving out a snack for Santa. In theory, this is very nice. When little boys and girls go to bed, they usually tell their parents to make sure that they leave out a glass of beer and some cake for Santa, and a carrot for the reindeer. Ha, and who gets to have the beer and the cake? Not me! It's usually your daddies. The only thing left by the time I get there is a carrot for the reindeers. They're welcome to it. The last thing I want is orange poop.

6. Speaking of calls of nature, where on earth am I supposed to go? That's another thing about the old-fashioned sleigh. There are no toilets on board and Santa's prostate gland is not what it used to be.

7. I really hate to dob them in but I suspect that Rudolph, Dancer, Prancer, Skippy, Flipper, Kimba, Gentle Ben and Rin Tin Tin are losing it anyway. They don't know who I am half the time and it's just as well they trust me with their lives. I have told them I will take care of them, no matter what.

8. When I started in this job, long before I had whiskers of my own and had to don a false beard, it made a lot of sense to have my headquarters at the North Pole. No more though - there's a lot of boys and girls down in the southern hemisphere now. What didn't you understand about my request to be relocated to a seaside apartment at Bondi Beach? You would have saved me a lot of emotional turmoil.

9. I am sick and tired of being ripped off. Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of Santa Claus imposters there are around the world, pretending to be me, and usually getting paid for it, at shopping centres and in parades? They are not real (if you want proof, tug their beards or ask them to name all the reindeers). And do I, the Real McCoy, get a cent of commission? No. Nor do I profit from countless Christmas cards bearing my image or stupid comic pieces written at my expense.

10. Chimneys are not what they used to be. Nearly every house used to have a big, stone chimney for me to come down. No more. As people have got smarter and installed heat pumps, and electric and gas heating, my job has become a lot harder. It's all very well for your parents to assure you, 'don't worry, kids, Santa will probably slip in through the heating ducts.' I'm the silly bugger who has to work out how to do it. The problem is 10 times more difficult if you have to direct a senile orange-pooping reindeer to a small aperture on the roof.

Despite all this, boys and girls, I shall miss you.

And I am really deeply sorry that when you wake up on Christmas morning, your stockings will be empty.

But I hope you will all wish me well in my new venture.

I have seen the light and started working smarter, rather than harder.

It's a dog-eat-dog world and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

If you are ever up this way, be sure to pop in and see me at Santa's bulk meats. My carrot-fed reindeer mince is delicious.

 

[mustynutz]

few hours before school was let out for our winter break my first grade teacher, Mrs. Barnhouse, was going over some geography and showed us where the North Pole was located. She showed us the path Santa would be taking to get to our hometown, milage from his home as well as approximate travel time. Very useful information, I think... Since I was forced to sit in the very front row because I talked too much, she often picked on me to answer her questions. She turned around and asked me what I was going to get from Santa this year with a sarcastic chuckle.

"Nothing."
"Well why's that Sean? Youre not even going to get any coal?"
"No, because Santa hates me, and Im going to kill that fucker before he can deliver anything this year."

Most of the class let out a synchronized gasp in awe, while others quietly snickered. Mrs. Barnhouse's eyes got as big as silver dollars as her jaw hit the floor. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day in the office having a closed circut conference with the counslers and my father. As hard as they tried and as much as they tightened the rope around my neck, they never got a single solitary peep out of me. The bamboo shoots under my fingernails didnt even phase me. I wasnt going to give in. Not when I was this close.

I was led into believing that a fat man in a red suit spent the night before Christmas travelling around the globe delivering presents to all little boys and girls. But no. I never got shit from that fat ass bastard. I got presents from everyone else, even from my mother who has hated me since birth. But nothing from Santa. Not even coal. Apparantly his trusty elves added me to his list as Jewish, so that pretty much fucked me in the end, and thats why I was going to get my revenge. A week prior, when the class was sending out wish lists to Santa like the greedy little bastards they are, I sent a present to him along with my letter. Merry Christmas you fat fuck! Hope you like Anthrax!

Apparantly he doesnt open them personally, because a few days later I saw him on TV wishing the planet a wonderful holiday ho ho ho. With that in mind, I would be forced to take a more direct route. When I got out of school for winter break, I called up my Uncle Jeb who just got out of prison and told him my plan. I guess he thought it was cute that I wanted to kill Santa and said that he would help me out, so he called up one of his Vietnam buddies and got a hold of a helicopter. That night I got my dad into letting me "stay the night over at a friends", and around eight I met Uncle Jeb right down the street from my house.

We made it to the helicopter pad and took off for the North Pole. It was a long flight but we finally made it there after about 12 hours. We landed about a half mile from Santas kingdom to be discrete, so I put on my little booties and we trekked the rest of the way. When we made it to the perimeter of his stronghold, security was pretty tight. Along with his Elite Elf Patrol (EEP), there were attack sled dogs and search lights scanning the grounds for intruders. Had someone led him on to our attack? We crouched behind a snowbank to lock and load. Jeb had and AK-47, a 9mm side arm and an old survival knife for himself, and handed me two Supersoakers filled with Clorox bleach / ammonia mix. I also had a one foot long candy cane that I had taken the liberty of grinding down to a razor sharp point on the flight over. He took a shot of whiskey from a flask, tied his Rambo bandanna around his forehead and said...

"Whatever you do... dont tell your dad."

On the count of three we busted around the bank and unleashed hell on the guards. Jeb wasted most of the EEP while I squirted the attack dogs in the eyes with bleach rendering them blind in excruciating pain. We had broken through the gates and deciphered the digital scramble lock on the front door. When we entered the hallway, he pulled out his map of Santa's place that he downloaded from the Department of Defense Secure BBS and navigated through the mansion undetected. We passed by the workshop, and I peered around the corner to view the spectacle of the present assembly line. Billions and billions of toys were being constructed, packed and wrapped in their shiny paper with bows of magnificat colors and sparkle. As I stared in wonder, I thought about all the kids that I was going to make very sad this year, but then thought about the fact that not one of those presents were for me. This made my blood boil and renewed my hatred for the fat fuck.

As we were getting ready to venture on, I saw a lone elf carrying a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a tall frosty glass of milk. I knew where this was going, and lept from the shadows onto the elf and knocked him out cold with a punch to the throat. I stripped him of his green and red garb, put it on along with his little pointy shoes, and picked up the meal that he was going to deliver to Santa. I gave a quick nod to Jeb and made my way down the hall to his lair. As I placed my hand on the doorknob to his room, I went over the plan one more time in my head. I entered his bedroom to see him sitting at his desk studying The List. He turned to greet me as I placed his meal on the desk.

"Thank you very much, my little friend!", he said as he patted me on the head.
"No.. Thank you, you fat fucking piece of shit."

Before he could even say another word I grabbed my candy cane, lept up and buried it deep in his temple. He fell to the floor with a large crash that shook the entire house. I knew that it would attract more of his guardians, so I gave the candy cane one more swift kick for good measure and quickly jumped out the window to meet Jeb. We tossed a few flaming bottles of everclear into the house, watched the worker elves dragging their burning carcasses out of the flaming building and shot each one as they pleaded for mercy. As we took off in the chopper, I had an overwhelming sense of satisfaction and a renewed love for the Christmas Spirit as I watched Santas Workshop become nothing but a pile of ash.

 

[mustynutz]

Dear Santa
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely, Johnny

 

[mustynutz]

Dear Danny,

Once again, it's Christmas time. I know that you want me to visit your house on Christmas Eve, and I'm fully aware of what you'd like to find beneath the tree. I know these things because, well, because I'm Santa Claus.

But there are a few things we need to discuss before Christmas eve, such as your actions and your deeds throughout the past year- your attitude towards others, and the way you carry on. I'm sure that you feel deserving of each and every toy you've asked for so we'll discuss those as we discuss your behavior.

Do you really think you need a slingshot? Do you remember hiding in the shed after you had thrown rocks through your neighbor's windows, and saying that if you ever got out of this one, you'd never do it again. Don't you think receiving the same weapon that David used to slay Goliath would be tempting fate? I'm just asking, of course, but don' t count on the slingshot.

And let's see, as I recall you wanted a sled. Now there's a fun toy, basically harmless in the hands of a responsible kid, and it's something you could share with all of your friends. The only problems, Danny, are that you're not responsible, you wouldn't share, and you don't have any friends. Let's forget about the sled, as it would only cause problems.

Danny, your request for all the kids in China to receive a Pokemon was, at first, admirable. Then I realized that you aren't wanting those kids to be happy at all. Since the overnight influx of Japanese merchandise into China would cause the largest trade deficit the world has ever seen, your "help" would crush the Chinese economy. Well, I'm gonna "help" you, you little fuck. I'm taking back the BB gun.

You asked for some catnip scented toys for your kitty cat. How nice of you to consider the cat at this most joyous time of the year. Do you know what your cat asked for, Danny? Do you have any idea? Your cat asked for me not to bring any catnip, because that's what you use to lure cats to their demise. You know what I'm talking about; playing "Flush the Kitty", "Cat-tastrophe", and all your other silly games that cause either physical harm or irreparable mental damage to the four-legged kind. For your part in this insane plot, I'm nixing the new hard drive. Matter of fact, nothing hard for you this Christmas; and I think you know what I mean!

You've made promises to control your temper and I like this. But you've made this promise nearly every year, and every year, just before Christmas, you've thrown a temper tantrum of some kind. Danny, Danny, Danny. I know that you believe in me, but I'm finding it extremely difficult to believe in you. Why can't you keep your promises, Danny, why? And why can't I believe in you? Well Danny, for making a promise to be good, I'm bringing you a brand new bicycle. But for breaking that same promise - and I know that you will - I'm hauling that shiny mother fucker back up the chimney, and I'm giving it to someone else. HO HO HO, Hee Hee Hee, Har-de-har-har!

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and damned if you don't resemble me in some ways. But do you think that I'm impressed with your boring, lackluster imitation of me? Do you think that it'll get you more toys? Hell, Danny, anyone can have long hair and a bushy beard. So ain't you a Big Fucking Deal! I'm not impressed, but in fact, I'm insulted. Your charade has been uncovered, and I'm marking off the train set. And the skates.

As a matter of fact, you little sonofabitch, everything's gone.Everything you asked for and everything you'd hoped for is gone, gone, gone... The toys, Christmas, everything. I don't want to have to haul all that shit down your chimney and then haul it back up again. I'm old and I'm tired and I don't even feel like doing it for the good little boys and girls, let alone a shameless dick head such as yourself. Danny,you little meat-beater, you have single-handedly screwed up Christmas for the whole world. I oughta come down there and beat the living hell out of you . Matter of fact I will, and if you're still standing afterwards, then you can bite my ass.

Merry Christmas,
Santa

 

[mustynutz]

The jolly man in the red suit is a popular fixture at local shopping malls this time of the year. And chances are good that before Santa Claus hears one Christmas wish, he should have undergone a criminal background check and drug testing.
``We feel its an invasion of privacy'' said Barbara Sacco, vice president of marketing for Faison & Associates, which manages most of the Bay Area's Mall Santa's

Nancy Conley, marketing director at Bayfair Mall in San Leandro said background checks and drug screening have become common place when hiring, but not for Santas.

``It honestly doesn't feel right asking Santa to take a drug test,'' Conley said.

Pre-employ.com specializes in background checks for job applicants. It found that about 70 of 1,000 shopping mall Santa and Santa helper applicants had committed misdemeanors or felonies in the last 3 months to a year. The offenses included indecent exposure, soliciting prostitution, drunken driving,armed robbery, possesion of crack cocaine and multiple counts of child molestation.


``Once we have a contract with a mall, we will send as many Santas as they need" said Jerry Helton, vice president of marketing at Santa Plus, a division of Eastman Kodak. That goes for Mrs. Claus and Santa's helpers, Helton said, the can be sent as well.

Faison and Associates sponsor the "Giving Back" program that allows violent criminals and sex offenders earlier release dates if they agreed to play Santa at local malls as a volunteer.

 

[High Caliber Ent.]

JESUS