Minute Murderers

[mustynutz]

She wasn't like most girls, Skippy.

She was a bit taller than most girls, and she wasn't really mega slim but wasn't muscular, fat, or had anything unusual about here like that. She was just a normal girl who happened to be 5'10". At least I'm still taller than her. At least.

My date, we'll just call her Lola, was peculiar. I noticed it from the start. Rather than sit and get her nails done, she wanted to play sweaty, intense games of basketball with me. Rather, that put lipstick on, she wanted to watch the game. I kept in mind that most women I've met would NEVER do any of this with me, so I was stoked.

We saw each other for quite a while, but she never made any of 'those advances'. I understood why a little later, which I will try to explain in the following story.

Lola and I were taking an evening stroll. We passed by a Mexican restaurant and decided to stop and grab something to eat. I ordered some kind of taco-salad, but she got a whopping "Burrito Gigante". I laughed aloud.

"You gonna eat all that?" I asked.

"Oh yeah." She replied.

The dinner was going well; quite lively conversation going on between us. She was such a nice girl; it blew my mind. I mean, it was obvious that she was a girl, a female, in her mind, but something was just a bit more peculiar about her.

Suddenly, she shut her yap and wouldn't make eye contact with me. I was confused. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" I asked her.

"Well..." She started.

"Yes?"

"I have to tell you something." She sighed. "I don't know..."

"Don't worry babe, I don't think there's anything you can tell me that I can't handle."

"I'm a man." She looked down. The smile on my face just stayed there, I was too shocked to do anything else. I saw the waiter pass by.

"Check please."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier."

"Ehh, uhh, it's ok. I'm a pretty open minded person about some of these things...to an extent."

"I'm transgender. I have a penis, but I'm going to get surgery eventually." She sighed again. "But this is too embarrassing for you and uncomfortable for me, so, I don't think we should be friends like this anymore. I still want to be friends with you though." She...he...she smiled at me.

"Uhh, me too."

Suddenly, she got up and left, not saying another word. I figured she was going to the ladies room, but she wasn't. She walked out the front door and walked home. I paid for dinner and, with my tail between my legs, walked home by myself. It was cold. It was lonely. It was...agonizing. Everything looked like dicks. That tree over there looked like a tallywacker. That pole; a magical snake. Everything formed the illusion of a cock.

When I got home, I wasn't sure what to do. I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, then used mouthwash, then brushed my teeth again.

 

[mustynutz]

Sometimes I want to shoot myself in the foot for what I agree to do with my friends and family. I find myself in the most ridiculous situations, predicaments, and confrontations. I don't know where to begin with this story. I guess I'll start from the beginning...


Early this year, I believe in February, my dad was hospitalized for a whopping eleven days for some kind of bronchitis/pneumonia mix. For easy reference, we'll call it Bronchonia. Bronchonia was a nightmare to deal with, leading up to, during, and after the hospital trip. Labored breathing, near death experience, but most of all: Green Phlegm. That's right, folks; gallons and gallons of green lung-juice. Disgusted yet? Boy I hope so.

About two or three weeks after he was released, he was still fighting the Bronchonia infection. Yes, three weeks of green phlegm. These were not good times. After a few weeks were up, it was time to get more antibiotics. Rather than drive 30 minutes north of here to a VA Hospital, we decided that we would much rather go to a small clinic here in town.

So there's your background. Now, on to the yarn.


That morning, I was asked if I wanted to go along. My sister and father would both be attending. I had nothing better to do, and by "nothing better" I mean "a ton of homework." I went along for the ride. When we arrived, I wasn't impressed with what I saw; a small clinic in a shopping center. A dirty, nasty, ugly, smoky, gross, and generally not-so-good shopping center. It was a used-condomesque kind of gross. At any rate: absurd.


We walked in and the first thing we noticed were the kind Negro folk in the room. I am not at all racist, however, this sent shivers down my spine. After this, we noticed the torn up chairs they sat in. After this, we noticed the stupid fake plants everywhere. After this, we noticed that the floor, the CARPET was absolutely disgusting. Stained, dirty, blotched with what could easily be vomit, blood, or even shit. Don't even hint that it might have been shit. It's a fucking MEDICAL clinic and the place was not clean. Even the tile areas weren't clean. My eye twitched and I became nervous. We arrived on time, but we would not be up for a while because of a mixed schedule. The Doctor's brother was in for him today. He was out sick. Probably licking the shitty, pukey, and bloody floor.

There were no open chairs. None. All of them were taken up primarily of a few couples' tons of children. Tons. Smelly, obnoxious, and loud tons of children. I'm already getting annoyed. I figured it could not possibly get worse after this. "No, this isn't so bad." I said quietly to myself and smiled, praying for the facial feedback theory to kick in and make everything sunny and positive. To my dismay, this didn't work. "Damn." I stomped my foot a bit. I believe I may have seen Lucifer himself walk through the doors in the form of a large black woman. At this point, it's 11:45, we were supposed to be up at 11:05. Here comes Mrs. Satan up on her high horse, walking in like she owns the place.

"Yeah, I'm here for my 11:30 appointment." She says to the secretary.

"Ok, well, there is an extreme backup right now." The secretary replied.

"Whatchu mean?" She asked the unreasonably obese secretary.

"I mean, we aren't –" She was interrupted.

"I don't care, I came all the way from [a city that isn't that far away] and I want to be served now!" My jaw dropped. I'm starting to get annoyed at the point. This was the camel that broke the straw's back. These people had been making white jokes for the past hour or so with me standing right there, and making fat jokes with an obese man in the room and a bunch of obese secretaries. I'm not defending our whiteness or their obesity, but this is absolutely incredible. How rude do you get?

"Ma'am, you'll have to wait." The secretary replied. "Go take a seat." Satan then gets angry and starts yelling.

"I don't have to take a seat! I don't have to! I came all this way! Serve me now!" She starts banging on the wall with her fists and then lowers the tone of her voice, but still everyone could hear, and says, "I don't have to deal with this fuck. I'm PMSing."

"No shit?" I thought to myself. "Don't want to deal with this, what was that? This fuck? The hell?" Finally, angry bitch Hades decides to storm out and just about everybody in the room cheers, except for one def guy. He just kind of clapped a little bit. Even the def guy knew what was going on. Good man.

Finally, it is our turn to be served. We went in to see the doctor. Since I don't want to give his name out, or as it stands I don't remember it, we'll call him Dr. Dumbass. We start talking about it and he ARGUES with the antibiotic prescription. Here my dad is coughing up the aforementioned green shit and he says that we don't have an infection to fight off. "It's only dangerous if it is rust colored. That's all you have to worry about."

"Are you sure you know what you're talking about?" My sister asked him.

"Yeah. I was educated at Columbia." We all frowned and looked at each other for a moment and shrugged as if to say, "Well, ok." Then he follows it up and states the following:

"It's a really pretty country. I was happy going to school there."

PAUSE PLEASE

So here this guy wasn't even educated here in the United States, but rather a country in South America. I'm not discriminating against their college systems down there, but come on, it can't be that awesome. This guy is a nut. Throughout the entire appointment, he argued with everything we said. Finally we got up and left. Right in the middle of the appointment. Up and left.


On the way home, my dad groaned, "Next time, lets just go to the fucking VA hospital."

"Yeah," I chuckled. "You don't have to deal with that. You're PMSing."

 

[mustynutz]

Working behind the counter of a local restaurant has its perks. I can drink all the free soda that I can handle and boy to I take advantage of it. I can guarantee that when I'm 40 years old, that on an average trip to the bathroom I'll probably piss out about 10 kidney stones. Another perk of working at this restaurant is all the free burgers, fries, corndogs, and onion rings I can eat. Every night I'm bringing home about 10 corndogs. Yeah I know, I'm going to be a fat 40 year old who passes kidney stones, but hey... free corndogs!

The main perk of this place is the amount of hot females that I get to view. I don't make 8 bucks an hour to prepare greenbeans, mashed potatoes and take orders. I get paid 8 bucks an hour to watch girls. And boy is the money worth it. I've only been working at Carolina Fine Foods(another hint, Mac.. come find me) for about two weeks and I've already gotten three phone numbers.

One girl in particular, Kellie, showed up tonight as I was closing up. I told her that I didn't have a ride home so she offered to drive me. She was hot, so I couldn't refuse. There we were, sitting in my driveway when she very shyly and slowly made the first move...

She shoved her hand into my pants.

I leaned my seat back and closed my eyes and prepared for pleasure, when a very different feeling ran thru my body. Something was wrong, so I politely let her know of the small problem...

"Holy shit your hands are cold! Let the fuck go!!"

I decided tonight was my night to be in the driver's seat.

So I opened my door and made her get in the passenger seat and I hopped into her seat.(HA!)

Okay, I actually eventually worked my hand into her pants. I had to make my way thru sharp bellybutton rings, sharp belts, and one very arrogant zipper. He wasn't going to let me in without a fight. After all the undoing, unzipping, unbuttoning, restructuring, unfolding, and reorganization of all her mechanical outter parts I finally got my hand to the zone. She did the usual heavy breathing, moaning, body twitching, and grabbing of the face. One thing in particular she did was quite annoying. She laughed during the vaginal stimulation ceremony.

"Mmmm Justin. Yes! Yes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! mmmm. Ohhh. HEHEHEHEH AHAHAHAHAH!!"

Besides that, it went off without a hitch and I went inside to eat me a snack and get online for a while. I changed my clothes, washed my hands VERY WELL, and grabbed me a bag of chips. As I brought the delicious Lay's sour cream and onion chip to my lips, I noticed a foul odor. What the hell? These chips stink! I threw the whole bag in the garbage can and then grabbed me a Little Debbie snack cake. Then as I brought the cake to my mouth I noticed another foul odor.

What the hell? Is everything I have expired now?

After discarding of the stinky cake I went back into the bathroom, took a shower then proceeded to brush my teeth. During the process, I noticed the same foul odor. So now my toothpaste stinks? Upon further examination I figured out that the stinch was coming from my own fingers.

Fuck. Damn that girl.

I scrubbed and scrubbed my hand with every soap I own and the stinch won't go away. Why is it that a lady's vagina stinch is just as hard to get out as a skunk's? Too bad the smell is twice as vile as well. I can't do anything with these fingers anymore! I can't eat a sandwich, brush my teeth, chew my nails or even sniff my fingers. I know what you're thinking... "Use your other hand!". It's just not the same though. After so many years of eating out of one hand, it feels weird eating from another hand. It's almost like I'm being fed by a stranger.

Just call me stinky finger.

 

[mustynutz]

Every holiday my family gathers at the grandmother's for a huge feast, sports, and of course, catching up with the family. Every year a child will say something that he wasn't supposed to. You remember how it was, don't you? When you were a child, you'd say something that you thought was harmless but would embarass the crap out of your parents. Your dad would whisper something in your ear along the lines of ''Just wait until we get home". You can't really enjoy going out and playing with your cousins because you know when you get home, dad's gonna have happy-time with a belt and your ass.

When we got home, he'd send me straight to my room and make you wait a good 15 minutes. My palms sweat with fear as I stand there weeping. Before the big moment, I put on as many pairs of underwear and pants as I can. When I was around my dad, I was always scared; I always felt like I needed to watch my every step around him. Not to mention he whips me hard as hell.

Since my dad was a military man, he was always out of town for up to 4 months at a time. When he was on TDY, my mom was the one in control of whipping me. These were the happiest times of my life. I could do whatever I wanted, she'd make me wait in my room just to try to project the same fear as my dad did. I didn't stand there and weep when I knew she was the one giving me my beatings, I watched tvs or played games. When the big moment came, she'd beat my butt with all her might. I wasn't phased. I finally learned that pretending to cry was the way to go.

When I was being babysat by some elderly woman, it was no different. Apparently spanking me was the way to go. This woman would spank me for the smallest reasons; mainly because I didn't eat her nasty-ass beans. I learned quickly not to fuck with Ms. Raspberry. This 70 year old, 5 foot 2, 120 pound woman meant business. She'd make me go to the backyard and pick out the hickory stick that I was going to be spanked with. I thought I was a little genius when I came back with a small twig. Big mistake. Ms. Raspberry would go back out to the backyard and get the biggest hickory stick she could find. Then she'd whip me a couple extra licks for wasting her time.

I only recall one whipping that I actually deserved. I was 9 years old I believe, my cousins were visiting from another state so we sat down and watched old home movies(TM). I apparently picked from the wrong stack because the content of the video at hand would earn me my worst beating ever...

When my dad was gone for months at a time, he'd send my mom special videos showing her the hotel he was staying at, the gym he went to and tours of the base he was at. But at the end of videos he'd give her a ''special long distance treat'' since he was away for so long.

So I pop in the video, sit down beside my sister and watch the movie with my 4 cousins; ALL FEMALE. Innocently enough, the tape starts out with my dad giving a tour of his hotel room, the mini bar, etc. He then walks into the bathroom, sits the camcorder on the sink with it still recording and proceeds to take a shower. I just fast-fowarded thru the shower because I figured he accidentally left it on. I didn't know what was going on, I was only 9. I watched in horror as my dad stepped out of the shower and proceeded to give an up and down tour of his body with the camcorder. I tried to stop the tape right as my dad walked in, but it was too late. My ass stung for days.

These days I sit and watch in amusement as my four year old nephews make the same mistakes and receive the same punishment. Over Christmas dinner, little Anthony, 4 years old, was eating at the table with the whole family and just happened to speak his mind:

"Gwandma, what's in deez mashed taters?"
"Well Anthony, potatoes, butter, and lots of love!"
"Gwandma? Next time can you leave the wuv out? Deez are nasty".

 

[mustynutz]

12:00 AM. It was going to be a long night.

Crackle. Crackle. I walked slowly and with assurance, trying to make as little noise as possible. When you're alone, even the smallest of noises can seem loud enough to wake Satan himself. I looked at my feet as I walked, watching my every step. The path seemed familiar, Amanda had more than likely walked this same path a few hours earlier. The air was piercing. The fog was dense. I was in this journey alone, nobody else had the fortitude to join me. The search team had called things off as the fog grew worse.

How was it possible for an 18 year old girl to walk into the woods and not come back? I knew someone was responsible for her disappearance. What kind of crazed individual would be in the woods in the middle of the night? She was just a teenage girl, an innocent, sweet, caring teenage girl. She was gone. When I first heard of her disappearance, my first thought was that she was kidnapped by an older man. This was a quiet town, so that couldn't be possible. She was a strong young woman, she could fend for herself. Besides, witnesses claim she was the only one who entered the woods. Whatever was responsible for her disapperance was still within this bevvy of thousands of trees. I was going to find it.

------------------------------

"What the hell? Who's calling me this late?" I reached for my phone half-heartedly, still barely awake.

"Hello?"
"Justin, I'm so sorry to call you this late, but I really need your help. I'm scared."

It was Amanda. Her soothing voice caught my full attention as I climbed into a pair of jeans before she had even told me what was wrong.

"It's my parents, they've been up all night fighting again. My dad threatened to kill the whole family which scared the heck out of my mom, and she stormed out and left me here. I'm scared Justin."

Amanda had never asked me for help. She was independent. Not to mention I have had a crush on her since the first grade. Her parents didn't care about her at all. She was never beaten that I knew of, but with an alcoholic father who had just threatened to kill her, I wasn't going to take any chances.

"Amanda, listen to me. I'll be there in 5 minutes, climb out of your window and wait at the corner of your street until I get there. Everything's going to be okay."

"Oh my God, thank you Justin. I owe you big, no other guy would ever offer to help me".

"I'm not every other guy. Oh, and Amanda?"

"Yes Justin?"

"I promise I'll always be there to protect you."

----------------------------------

I'm always going to be there to protect her. I was living up to my word. I pulled my flashlight out of my bag to try to get a substitute light besides the faint moon. The batteries were dead.

12:05 AM. It was going to be a long night.

 

[mustynutz]

You know the deal. You're 7 or 8 years old, even younger for some, you're just now disovering what sex is all about. The idea of a man and woman getting naked and sticking their privates together seems more scary than pleasurable. Your elementary school friends would try to scare you into believing your parents did this sick, sick act. You never believed them. Your parents were nice, innocent people. I know my parents were. They would always invite another couple over after my sister and I went to bed. I never thought twice about it, grownups liked to sit around, talk and drink while their kids were in bed.. nothing more. Or do they?

My parents had left early one morning to go to work, my sister was in school. I was "sick". I HAD to find out what I was receiving from Santa Claus for Christmas. With one last look out the window, seeing that nobody was in the driveway, I scampered off to my parents' room in search of the goldmine. Under the bed? No. AHA! The closet! I opened the door to their huge walk-in closet and I saw a gold box on the top. It looked like a board-game of sorts. What does it say?

"Seduction".

At that time, I knew this game wasn't for me. I opened the game to further investigate the contents. There were little cards, something like Monopoly cards. They had directions on them. Very, very bad directions.

"Lick sourcream off the navel of the person of your choice."
"Stick your finger into the orafice of the nearest female to your left"
"Lick chocolate syrup up and down the shaft of the male sitting directly across from you."

Hmm. What's a shaft? What's an orafice? I wondered. I had stumbled onto a game. A very naughty game. A game that... EWWW! My parents play this game when I go to sleep!! And... gasp.. with the NEIGHBORS!!

A couple nights later, I had already forgotten about the evil game that rested in my parents' closet. I was in bed, it was about midnight. My parents expected me to be sound asleep, then I hear a knock on the door.

Dad- "It's them. You got the game?"
Mom- "No, let me go get it"

My mom walks down the hall, past my room and into her room. I had to investigate. I jump out of bed and peek thru the door. She walks out of her room with a golden box in hand. "Seduction."

Dad- "Come on in, Rick! Did y'all remember the stuff?"
Rick- (in a very loud voice) "Yep! Got all of it! The beer, the mixed drinks, the Twister game, the whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and I even brought some whips, blindfolds and handcuffs just in case!"
Rick's wife- "Kids in bed?"

I was young but I wasn't stupid. I knew something was going on. They waited until the kids were in bed every night to have a party with games. They had whipped cream and chocolate syrup too... HOW DARE THEM HAVE ICECREAM WITHOUT ME!! They even had blindfolds, how can you play "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" without me?? I was last year's champion at my birthday party. The handcuffs? I love playing cops, I could have been the criminal! I knew that if I got up, I'd get in trouble. I had to find out for myself what was going on in my living room without me! I had no idea who this couple was and why they were coming over to my house. All I knew is that there's a party and I'm not invited. I had to sneak into there and catch a peak.

"Pop in the video", my dad says in the distance as I glide thru the hallway like a spy. I wait several minutes because there was silence for a while. I was at the corner, all I had to do was slowly peak around to see what was going on....I peak around the wall and peer into the living room, and what I saw made my eyes widen. 1 second later, I was back in bed horrified.

 

[mustynutz]

What all women want is a guy with money or a guy in uniform. Hell, why can't I be both?! When I had money and a nice car, I couldn't keep them off of me. In the past several months, I lost my car because of insurance issues, lost my job because I lost my car, and was forced to move back in with mommy. I figured I'd wing it and see if I could remain jobless for the rest of my life and just live a worry-free existence. Apparently now that I'm 20 years old, I'm expected to help out and help pay bills.

Fuck that.

Ever since I graduated highschool, I've been living from paycheck to paycheck, barely able to afford to feed myself, let alone have fun. My dad had been pressuring me for years to join the Air Force. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. Great benefits, nice paycheck, free housing, free meals. I'm in! I went to the recruiter, had several talks, and eventually left to take my Armed Forces physical. I only had one pair of clean boxers, they were VERY short. In other words, if I were standing, you could see my entire package hanging out of the leg. More on those later. I had to take a ride on a shuttle with other recruits to Jackson AFB in Columbia, South Carolina. When she said ''put on your seatbelts'' I didn't think she meant ''I'm a really shitty driver, and your seatbelt may save your life when I'm behind the wheel''. Not to mention she was cussing the whole way there, pulling out in front of people, and chain smoking even though there was a huge ''No smoking'' sign hanging on the mirror. Also, her ''How's My Driving'' sticker was on the window... facing inward for all the recruits to see, as opposed to the people on the road.

Several hours pass, and we actually made it to the hotel alive. I was dead tired and ready to go to bed, when the old lady informs me of my schedule. ''Where the hell are you going? Get your ass back on the shuttle, you have to go take the ASVAB''. Fuck. The test to see if I'm qualified to get in. I hadn't even studied. Next stop is on the base, I go into a huge room with computers and several young men and women my age. I sat down and tried my best to answer the questions, then I notice a balding man sitting down beside me. He was about 35. More on him later.

After the hour and a half long test, we're driven back to our hotel and told to get a good night's rest because we'll have to wake up at 430am to take our physical. Fuck, the military sucks. We're then told that we will have roommates. I'm dead tired so I head on up to my hotel room, open the door, and if it isn't the 35 year old trying to get into the Armed Forces. I initiated conversation with him and realized why he's trying to get into the Air Force at 35. He's dumb as a brick. ''This is my 6th time trying to get in, but I keep failing the ASVAB''. ''What's the lowest score you have to make to get in?''. ''30''. Now, keep in mind that the ASVAB is basic highschool math and english knowledge. After 5 times, he's gotta get in this time, right?

4am came very early, especially when I didn't get any sleep. Plus, my 35 year old buddy was on his cell with his mom talking about how scared he was because he didn't ''want somebody looking at my dick''. We get on a huge ass bus, and they take us back down to the same building where I took my ASVAB. Right when we enter, we find out our scores. Those who fail have to sit on another side. I was last in line, so when I got my papers, I was told to go sit on the passing side. WOO HOO! Wait a minute, there's no seats available. I sit on the floor and notice over on the 'failing side' there's ONE person sitting there. There were 140 recruits here, and only one person failed. Guess who? My 35 year old buddy. Poor guy. While we were waiting to be called to take our physicals I decided to go talk to him.

'So, did you make it?'
'Nah'.
'Oh? What'd you score?'
'20'.

20? Damn, I do feel sorry for him. I rushed through the test, didn't do any scratch work on the paper, guessed on half the questions, and was dead tired. And I scored a 73. I could have gone thru and slammed my forehead on the keyboard and scored hire than he did. I know I may get flamed by some of you for making a joke out of this guy, but I do have a heart... I offered him a stick of gum while he waited. Hey, it was gonna be a long wait.

We're given our medical documents and we fill into a huge room with desks, and a nurse goes thru each sheet of paper with us, telling us what to fill out and what order to put the papers in. I had issues with the front desk about my paperwork, so I got to the room late. The nurse kept yelling at me for stupid shit. ''Hey you in the corner! You! The guy with the sideburns! Your folder goes in FRONT on the EDGE of the desk! NO! the OTHER WAY!!'' Shit, this is going to be a long day. After taking my hearing, bloodpressure, and seeing tests, I waited in line to see some old German doctor. When I stepped into the room, I had to strip naked. No problem, I'm comfortable with my sexuality. Cough test? Sure! Everything was going great, I was almost done, then...

''What?''
''Bend over and spread your buttox cheeks'' he said in his German accent.
''Uhh...''

I bend over.

This moment was weird, to say the least. In fact, I was getting used to having my asshole exposed in front of an elderly German guy. Then he does the unthinkable..

''Okay, this may hurt'', he says.
''That's cool, he's just going to give me a shot or something''.
I hear the distinct sound of him putting on latex gloves.
''Oh shit, please don't... don't.. Please God, no.''

I now have a finger of an old German guy up my ass. I can't say which finger it was, although length suggested it was likely his middle. After the humiliation, I walked out of the room and past the others waiting to see the doctor. "How was it?" one of them asks. "Oh, it was fine, until he finger fucked my butt". I loved the expression on his face as I limped away. At least the most embarassing part of my physical was over, right?

I sat down on another bench, on one asscheek because of the pain. As I sat, I thought about how I had always figured homosexuals to be pansy little girly boys. Not true. Obviously, it takes a real man's man to be gay. You have to be one tough guy to have something rammed in your ass... and enjoy it nonetheless. As I was sitting a short black doctor named Mr. Head(real name)handed out piss cups to the group and instructed us on what we were to do:

''Okay, we are now going to go into the men's bathroom. When I instruct you to, you pull your penis out. You must stand erect and scraight(not a typo). When I make sure everything's okay, I will ask you to start peeing in unison.''

We are then led into the bathroom, and I did as told..

''Penises out.''

''Stand scraight''.

''Pee.''

One guy actually had the nerve to try and be funny. He started, well, playing with himself. Dr. Head said ''what in the world are you doing?!''. ''Oh, this isn't THAT kind of test?''. The guy was disqualified from joining. Haha, dumbass. I thought the most embarassing part of the physical was over, but it wasn't.

I was directed to strip down to my boxers(oh shit)and walk into a room with a bunch of other guys that were stripped down to their boxers. Like I said, these are REALLY short boxers, so I pulled them down as far as possible without exposing my upper-package to the group. I was put in a line while the other recruits sat and waited against a wall, watching us. Dr. Head notices something, while looking down at my boxers.

''Son, what are you doing? You're even thugging out your underpants. You aren't a thug, you're going to be a member of the United States Armed Services. Pull those boxers up to your hips.. and stand up scraight''.

I didn't look down, I just took a deep breath and pulled them up right. I stood there nervously, waiting for the laughter. Nobody said anything. I looked down and...YESS! My unit must be bunched up in there. Dr. Head instructed us to lift up our legs and point our toes to the ceiling, I guess to check our balancing abilities and to see if our joints worked right. As I lifted my leg up, I felt my twig and berries plop down. I looked down, and there it was in all its glory. I reached down to try and fix the problem but Dr. Head caught me. ''Hey son! Don't move! It's not that hard!''. No pun intended.

I didn't even eye the other recruits against the wall, I just stood straight up, looking straight and hoping for this day to end. ''Now everyone sit indian style'' said Dr. Head. Yes! Now, I can readjust. As we were sitting, I proportioned 'myself' so that I wouldn't slip out anymore.

''Now, we're going to duck walk.''

Oh God, no! If you don't know what the duck walk is, it's when you put you rhands on your hips, bend all the way down to where your ass is almost touching the ground, open your legs, and walk like a duck. You cannot remove your hands from your hips. Long story short, a couple of future marines, airmen, and coastguards caught a glimpse of my entire manhood.

The day was almost over. After 10 hours of pure hell, the day was complete. All we had to do was get final clearance from the doctor, and we were officially military men. On my turn, I confidently walked up to the doctor, handed him my papers and stood there proud. ''You had pericarditis?''. ''Yes sir, but pericarditis is just a severe chest cold that causes your pericardium to swell up, making it difficult to breathe. But it's only temporary. I went to the emergency room and was perscribed antibiotics. I was better in 3 days.''

I got disqualified because the dumb fuck didn't know what pericarditis was, even though I had prior clearance from the commander of the physical. Since that day, I had been back, took the physical over again, got sworn in, and I ship off to basic training in about a month.