So this dude wrote this book about stuff his dad says to him. He's been posting these up on twitter...
"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment." Friday, September 17, 2010 11:51:14 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way." Monday, August 30, 2010 11:54:22 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested." Saturday, August 07, 2010 4:33:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise." Monday, July 19, 2010 11:17:11 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit." Monday, June 28, 2010 11:41:21 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?" Thursday, June 17, 2010 10:35:25 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax." Friday, June 04, 2010 8:08:12 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's." Wednesday, May 26, 2010 2:10:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point." Friday, May 21, 2010 6:58:38 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old." Tuesday, May 11, 2010 5:18:41 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there." (Book On Sale Today!) http://tinyurl.com/yc79h4l Tuesday, May 04, 2010 11:11:16 AM via web
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“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone." Monday, May 03, 2010 12:44:58 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you." Monday, April 26, 2010 7:03:37 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.” Tuesday, April 20, 2010 6:04:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.” Friday, April 16, 2010 12:39:23 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants." Monday, April 12, 2010 1:30:23 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?" Thursday, April 08, 2010 2:34:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole." Monday, April 05, 2010 5:21:18 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. Fucking. Copy. Mine's free." http://shitmydadsays.com/book Thursday, April 01, 2010 11:37:33 AM via web
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"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly." Friday, March 26, 2010 12:57:29 PM via web
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"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord." Monday, March 22, 2010 12:06:20 PM via web
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"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker." Tuesday, March 16, 2010 1:00:28 PM via web
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"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first." Wednesday, March 10, 2010 4:41:23 PM via web
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"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised." Saturday, March 06, 2010 12:41:41 PM via web
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"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor." Sunday, February 28, 2010 3:24:51 PM via web
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"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed." Monday, February 22, 2010 5:02:59 PM via web
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"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic." Thursday, February 18, 2010 1:44:46 PM via web
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"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory." Sunday, February 14, 2010 11:40:15 AM via web
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"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows." Tuesday, February 09, 2010 2:33:01 PM via web
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"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable." Friday, February 05, 2010 3:56:11 PM via web
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"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife." Monday, February 01, 2010 11:31:53 AM via web
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“Calm down. You don’t just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.” Wednesday, January 27, 2010 1:39:42 PM via web
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"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle." Saturday, January 23, 2010 2:21:20 PM via web
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"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist." Tuesday, January 19, 2010 12:14:51 PM via web
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"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus." Friday, January 15, 2010 12:13:22 PM via web
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"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$ Thursday, January 14, 2010 12:46:48 PM via web
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"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card." Monday, January 11, 2010 4:42:47 PM via web
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"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice." Saturday, January 09, 2010 2:02:52 PM via web
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"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV." Tuesday, January 05, 2010 1:52:44 PM via web
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"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss." Friday, January 01, 2010 5:10:52 PM via web
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“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back." Monday, December 28, 2009 12:24:54 PM via web
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"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed." Thursday, December 24, 2009 2:11:06 PM via web
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"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?” Sunday, December 20, 2009 2:04:37 PM via web
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"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0" Thursday, December 17, 2009 1:16:05 PM via web
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"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina." Monday, December 14, 2009 11:14:58 AM via web
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"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants." Thursday, December 10, 2009 12:58:35 PM via web
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"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts." Monday, December 07, 2009 12:49:14 PM via web
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"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more." Thursday, December 03, 2009 5:30:30 PM via web
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"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works." Monday, November 30, 2009 6:59:18 PM via web
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“The whole world is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.” Friday, November 27, 2009 3:31:06 PM via web
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"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit." Tuesday, November 24, 2009 1:27:29 PM via web
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“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out." Saturday, November 21, 2009 3:07:57 PM via web
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"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea." Wednesday, November 18, 2009 2:59:00 PM via web
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"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit." Monday, November 16, 2009 1:00:46 PM via web
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"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching." Friday, November 13, 2009 1:26:18 PM via web
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"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not." Tuesday, November 10, 2009 1:22:20 PM via web
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"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it." Monday, November 09, 2009 3:36:05 PM via web
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"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks." Saturday, November 07, 2009 2:30:00 PM via web
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"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that." Wednesday, November 04, 2009 12:40:56 PM via web
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"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away." Tuesday, November 03, 2009 1:27:35 PM via web
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"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it." Sunday, November 01, 2009 10:44:55 AM via web
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"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems." Thursday, October 29, 2009 12:11:26 PM via web
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"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon." Wednesday, October 28, 2009 3:39:09 PM via web
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"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit." Monday, October 26, 2009 12:46:10 PM via web
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"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's." Saturday, October 24, 2009 3:43:29 PM via web
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"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out." Thursday, October 22, 2009 11:51:31 AM via web
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"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time." Tuesday, October 20, 2009 12:53:54 PM via web
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"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked." Sunday, October 18, 2009 2:59:53 PM via web
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"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that." Friday, October 16, 2009 12:11:12 PM via web
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"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that." Wednesday, October 14, 2009 11:15:50 AM via web
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"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." Monday, October 12, 2009 11:10:03 AM via web
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"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down." Saturday, October 10, 2009 12:41:05 PM via web
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"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news." Thursday, October 08, 2009 11:13:22 AM via web
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"We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit." Tuesday, October 06, 2009 12:57:14 PM via web
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"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking." Monday, October 05, 2009 12:03:13 PM via web
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"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose." Saturday, October 03, 2009 7:57:03 PM via web
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"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house." Thursday, October 01, 2009 7:08:15 PM via web
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"Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat." Wednesday, September 30, 2009 12:28:55 PM via web
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"It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening." Monday, September 28, 2009 2:47:17 PM via web
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Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole." Sunday, September 27, 2009 1:51:20 PM via web
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"A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together." Saturday, September 26, 2009 12:57:33 PM via web
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"I'm sitting in one of those TGI Friday's places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth." Thursday, September 24, 2009 4:56:36 PM via web
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"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it." Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:46:25 PM via web
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"I wouldn't worry about money...No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn't worry, cause you'd just piss it away." Tuesday, September 22, 2009 11:28:36 AM via web
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"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?" Monday, September 21, 2009 5:30:09 PM via web
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I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem." Sunday, September 20, 2009 2:05:09 PM via web
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"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you." Saturday, September 19, 2009 12:38:53 PM via web
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"The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit." Thursday, September 17, 2009 5:00:06 PM via web
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"Fucking Radio Shack. It's a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don't just walk around all day with shit in their pants." Wednesday, September 16, 2009 2:08:41 PM via web
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"Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son." Tuesday, September 15, 2009 1:57:42 PM via web
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"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty." Monday, September 14, 2009 11:52:17 AM via web
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"Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it's not a sack of food, it's a sack of shit." Sunday, September 13, 2009 1:29:09 PM via web
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"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept." Friday, September 11, 2009 10:54:25 AM via web
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"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi." Thursday, September 10, 2009 4:58:31 PM via web
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'You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up." Wednesday, September 09, 2009 2:01:32 PM via web
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"Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal." Tuesday, September 08, 2009 4:04:11 PM via web
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"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2" Monday, September 07, 2009 2:41:15 PM via web
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"Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say." Sunday, September 06, 2009 1:22:26 PM via web
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"Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies." Saturday, September 05, 2009 2:24:43 PM via web
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"I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' fucking umbrella in it" Friday, September 04, 2009 11:28:21 AM via web
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“You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law." Thursday, September 03, 2009 4:01:19 PM via web
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"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?" Wednesday, September 02, 2009 3:12:36 PM via web
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"What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man." Tuesday, September 01, 2009 1:16:34 PM via web
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"I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over." Monday, August 31, 2009 12:36:02 PM via web
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to my bro-"Your baby dropped his binky. The binky is on the table. THE BINKY IS ON THE TABLE. BINKY ON TABLE. PICK.UP.THE.BINKY. Thank you." Sunday, August 30, 2009 11:39:38 PM via web
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(watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat." Saturday, August 29, 2009 4:07:02 PM via web
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"You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit." Friday, August 28, 2009 1:18:11 PM via web
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"Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to be non-fiction, but it's fiction, and it's about some idiot. Thursday, August 27, 2009 12:38:24 PM via web
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"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that." Wednesday, August 26, 2009 11:33:35 AM via web
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"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes." Tuesday, August 25, 2009 3:55:01 PM via web
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"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks." Monday, August 24, 2009 10:07:44 PM via web
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"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet." Sunday, August 23, 2009 3:07:17 PM via web
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"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing." Saturday, August 22, 2009 1:15:28 PM via web
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"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me." Friday, August 21, 2009 10:57:15 AM via web
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"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down." Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:35:57 AM via web
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"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!" Wednesday, August 19, 2009 11:28:50 AM via web
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"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog." Tuesday, August 18, 2009 12:43:26 PM via web
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"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't." Monday, August 17, 2009 11:23:25 AM via web
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"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up." Saturday, August 15, 2009 4:42:33 PM via web
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"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit." Friday, August 14, 2009 11:56:23 AM via web
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(left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it." 10:46 AM Aug 12th, 2009 via web
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"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think." 12:22 PM Aug 11th, 2009 via web
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If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck. 11:51 AM Aug 11th, 2009 via web
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Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer. 11:33 AM Aug 7th, 2009 via web
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"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy." 11:41 AM Aug 6th, 2009 via web
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"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot." 11:13 AM Aug 5th, 2009 via web
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"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside." 11:59 AM Aug 4th, 2009 via web
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"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine." 1:24 PM Aug 3rd, 2009 via web
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"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment." Friday, September 17, 2010 11:51:14 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way." Monday, August 30, 2010 11:54:22 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested." Saturday, August 07, 2010 4:33:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise." Monday, July 19, 2010 11:17:11 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit." Monday, June 28, 2010 11:41:21 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?" Thursday, June 17, 2010 10:35:25 AM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax." Friday, June 04, 2010 8:08:12 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's." Wednesday, May 26, 2010 2:10:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point." Friday, May 21, 2010 6:58:38 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old." Tuesday, May 11, 2010 5:18:41 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there." (Book On Sale Today!) http://tinyurl.com/yc79h4l Tuesday, May 04, 2010 11:11:16 AM via web
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“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone." Monday, May 03, 2010 12:44:58 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you." Monday, April 26, 2010 7:03:37 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.” Tuesday, April 20, 2010 6:04:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.” Friday, April 16, 2010 12:39:23 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants." Monday, April 12, 2010 1:30:23 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?" Thursday, April 08, 2010 2:34:53 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole." Monday, April 05, 2010 5:21:18 PM via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. Fucking. Copy. Mine's free." http://shitmydadsays.com/book Thursday, April 01, 2010 11:37:33 AM via web
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"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly." Friday, March 26, 2010 12:57:29 PM via web
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"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord." Monday, March 22, 2010 12:06:20 PM via web
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"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker." Tuesday, March 16, 2010 1:00:28 PM via web
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"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first." Wednesday, March 10, 2010 4:41:23 PM via web
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"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised." Saturday, March 06, 2010 12:41:41 PM via web
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"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor." Sunday, February 28, 2010 3:24:51 PM via web
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"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed." Monday, February 22, 2010 5:02:59 PM via web
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"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic." Thursday, February 18, 2010 1:44:46 PM via web
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"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory." Sunday, February 14, 2010 11:40:15 AM via web
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"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows." Tuesday, February 09, 2010 2:33:01 PM via web
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"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable." Friday, February 05, 2010 3:56:11 PM via web
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"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife." Monday, February 01, 2010 11:31:53 AM via web
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“Calm down. You don’t just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.” Wednesday, January 27, 2010 1:39:42 PM via web
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"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle." Saturday, January 23, 2010 2:21:20 PM via web
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"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist." Tuesday, January 19, 2010 12:14:51 PM via web
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"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus." Friday, January 15, 2010 12:13:22 PM via web
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"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$ Thursday, January 14, 2010 12:46:48 PM via web
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"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card." Monday, January 11, 2010 4:42:47 PM via web
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"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice." Saturday, January 09, 2010 2:02:52 PM via web
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"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV." Tuesday, January 05, 2010 1:52:44 PM via web
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"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss." Friday, January 01, 2010 5:10:52 PM via web
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“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back." Monday, December 28, 2009 12:24:54 PM via web
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"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed." Thursday, December 24, 2009 2:11:06 PM via web
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"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?” Sunday, December 20, 2009 2:04:37 PM via web
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"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0" Thursday, December 17, 2009 1:16:05 PM via web
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"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina." Monday, December 14, 2009 11:14:58 AM via web
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"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants." Thursday, December 10, 2009 12:58:35 PM via web
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"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts." Monday, December 07, 2009 12:49:14 PM via web
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"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more." Thursday, December 03, 2009 5:30:30 PM via web
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"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works." Monday, November 30, 2009 6:59:18 PM via web
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“The whole world is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.” Friday, November 27, 2009 3:31:06 PM via web
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"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit." Tuesday, November 24, 2009 1:27:29 PM via web
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“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out." Saturday, November 21, 2009 3:07:57 PM via web
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"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea." Wednesday, November 18, 2009 2:59:00 PM via web
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"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit." Monday, November 16, 2009 1:00:46 PM via web
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"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching." Friday, November 13, 2009 1:26:18 PM via web
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"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not." Tuesday, November 10, 2009 1:22:20 PM via web
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"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it." Monday, November 09, 2009 3:36:05 PM via web
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"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks." Saturday, November 07, 2009 2:30:00 PM via web
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"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that." Wednesday, November 04, 2009 12:40:56 PM via web
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"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away." Tuesday, November 03, 2009 1:27:35 PM via web
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"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it." Sunday, November 01, 2009 10:44:55 AM via web
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"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems." Thursday, October 29, 2009 12:11:26 PM via web
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"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon." Wednesday, October 28, 2009 3:39:09 PM via web
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"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit." Monday, October 26, 2009 12:46:10 PM via web
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"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's." Saturday, October 24, 2009 3:43:29 PM via web
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"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out." Thursday, October 22, 2009 11:51:31 AM via web
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"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time." Tuesday, October 20, 2009 12:53:54 PM via web
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"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked." Sunday, October 18, 2009 2:59:53 PM via web
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"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that." Friday, October 16, 2009 12:11:12 PM via web
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"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that." Wednesday, October 14, 2009 11:15:50 AM via web
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"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." Monday, October 12, 2009 11:10:03 AM via web
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"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down." Saturday, October 10, 2009 12:41:05 PM via web
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"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news." Thursday, October 08, 2009 11:13:22 AM via web
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"We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit." Tuesday, October 06, 2009 12:57:14 PM via web
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"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking." Monday, October 05, 2009 12:03:13 PM via web
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"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose." Saturday, October 03, 2009 7:57:03 PM via web
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"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house." Thursday, October 01, 2009 7:08:15 PM via web
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"Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat." Wednesday, September 30, 2009 12:28:55 PM via web
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"It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening." Monday, September 28, 2009 2:47:17 PM via web
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Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole." Sunday, September 27, 2009 1:51:20 PM via web
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"A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together." Saturday, September 26, 2009 12:57:33 PM via web
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"I'm sitting in one of those TGI Friday's places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth." Thursday, September 24, 2009 4:56:36 PM via web
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"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it." Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:46:25 PM via web
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"I wouldn't worry about money...No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn't worry, cause you'd just piss it away." Tuesday, September 22, 2009 11:28:36 AM via web
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"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?" Monday, September 21, 2009 5:30:09 PM via web
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I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem." Sunday, September 20, 2009 2:05:09 PM via web
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"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you." Saturday, September 19, 2009 12:38:53 PM via web
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"The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit." Thursday, September 17, 2009 5:00:06 PM via web
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"Fucking Radio Shack. It's a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don't just walk around all day with shit in their pants." Wednesday, September 16, 2009 2:08:41 PM via web
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"Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son." Tuesday, September 15, 2009 1:57:42 PM via web
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"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty." Monday, September 14, 2009 11:52:17 AM via web
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"Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it's not a sack of food, it's a sack of shit." Sunday, September 13, 2009 1:29:09 PM via web
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"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept." Friday, September 11, 2009 10:54:25 AM via web
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"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi." Thursday, September 10, 2009 4:58:31 PM via web
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'You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up." Wednesday, September 09, 2009 2:01:32 PM via web
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"Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal." Tuesday, September 08, 2009 4:04:11 PM via web
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"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2" Monday, September 07, 2009 2:41:15 PM via web
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"Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say." Sunday, September 06, 2009 1:22:26 PM via web
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"Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies." Saturday, September 05, 2009 2:24:43 PM via web
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"I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' fucking umbrella in it" Friday, September 04, 2009 11:28:21 AM via web
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“You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law." Thursday, September 03, 2009 4:01:19 PM via web
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"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?" Wednesday, September 02, 2009 3:12:36 PM via web
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"What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man." Tuesday, September 01, 2009 1:16:34 PM via web
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"I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over." Monday, August 31, 2009 12:36:02 PM via web
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to my bro-"Your baby dropped his binky. The binky is on the table. THE BINKY IS ON THE TABLE. BINKY ON TABLE. PICK.UP.THE.BINKY. Thank you." Sunday, August 30, 2009 11:39:38 PM via web
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(watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat." Saturday, August 29, 2009 4:07:02 PM via web
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"You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit." Friday, August 28, 2009 1:18:11 PM via web
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"Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to be non-fiction, but it's fiction, and it's about some idiot. Thursday, August 27, 2009 12:38:24 PM via web
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"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that." Wednesday, August 26, 2009 11:33:35 AM via web
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"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes." Tuesday, August 25, 2009 3:55:01 PM via web
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"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks." Monday, August 24, 2009 10:07:44 PM via web
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"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet." Sunday, August 23, 2009 3:07:17 PM via web
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"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing." Saturday, August 22, 2009 1:15:28 PM via web
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"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me." Friday, August 21, 2009 10:57:15 AM via web
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"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down." Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:35:57 AM via web
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"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!" Wednesday, August 19, 2009 11:28:50 AM via web
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"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog." Tuesday, August 18, 2009 12:43:26 PM via web
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"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't." Monday, August 17, 2009 11:23:25 AM via web
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"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up." Saturday, August 15, 2009 4:42:33 PM via web
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"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit." Friday, August 14, 2009 11:56:23 AM via web
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(left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it." 10:46 AM Aug 12th, 2009 via web
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"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think." 12:22 PM Aug 11th, 2009 via web
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If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck. 11:51 AM Aug 11th, 2009 via web
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Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer. 11:33 AM Aug 7th, 2009 via web
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"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy." 11:41 AM Aug 6th, 2009 via web
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"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot." 11:13 AM Aug 5th, 2009 via web
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"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside." 11:59 AM Aug 4th, 2009 via web
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"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine." 1:24 PM Aug 3rd, 2009 via web
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