Sir Dyno's book "midst of my confusion"
- Thread starter datfrenchmane
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“I’m sick of them fools from VSL! Let’s go to their hangout and jump anybody we see,” exclaimed Spider.
“Hell no, ese. Let’s kill one of them fools, shoot up their familia and everything,” yelled a youngster named Macho. I couldn’t believe it. We got into a fist fight and now these vatos wanted to go around shooting everybody. I never realized how many homies I had from Barrio Apache, and these homies weren’t everyone. Then everybody started talking at once about what to do about VSL. As they were talking, I was reminded of the little fifth grade gang.
I stood up and said, “Who is really down for this? Everybody here just got into one fight, but are you really ready for the long run? Believe me, VSL is not going to stop now. If anything, we just pissed them off worse. Simon, we can talk big and bad now because we got a gang of homies here. Everybody’s all pumped up to fight. But what’s going to happen when your alone at a gas station, or with your little sisters or brothers at the park? Or when you’re with your moms or abuelas? Are you really ready to be down to the fullest, or are you just half-stepping into something you don’t know nothing about? Simon, I’m tired of them vatos tambien. And I’m already involved because of what Vince and I did at the car wash. Most of you don’t have to be involved. Just go back to school and forget about today. We appreciate that you helped us but I don’t want the Apache gang to be the reason of your downfall. If you want to leave, then go ahead. Nobody here will think any less of you.”
“Hell no, ese. Let’s kill one of them fools, shoot up their familia and everything,” yelled a youngster named Macho. I couldn’t believe it. We got into a fist fight and now these vatos wanted to go around shooting everybody. I never realized how many homies I had from Barrio Apache, and these homies weren’t everyone. Then everybody started talking at once about what to do about VSL. As they were talking, I was reminded of the little fifth grade gang.
I stood up and said, “Who is really down for this? Everybody here just got into one fight, but are you really ready for the long run? Believe me, VSL is not going to stop now. If anything, we just pissed them off worse. Simon, we can talk big and bad now because we got a gang of homies here. Everybody’s all pumped up to fight. But what’s going to happen when your alone at a gas station, or with your little sisters or brothers at the park? Or when you’re with your moms or abuelas? Are you really ready to be down to the fullest, or are you just half-stepping into something you don’t know nothing about? Simon, I’m tired of them vatos tambien. And I’m already involved because of what Vince and I did at the car wash. Most of you don’t have to be involved. Just go back to school and forget about today. We appreciate that you helped us but I don’t want the Apache gang to be the reason of your downfall. If you want to leave, then go ahead. Nobody here will think any less of you.”
I stopped talking and slowly looked around the room. I couldn’t believe the confidence I felt talking in front of all this gente. But it felt good. I felt the same power I felt when I had the fifth grade gang. The same rage and power in my sangre. Once again Zapata and Villa came alive in me. I pictured Emiliano Zapata making a speech in front of thousands of peasants as they rode into battle. I could envision Villa riding his black horse with his soldados behind him, shotguns in hand. It must have been a beautiful yet terrible thing to experience, fighting along fellow men and women for land.
To my amazement nobody left. I could see that everybody was thinking and letting my words sink in. That’s when I knew that nobody was going to leave. Everybody was sick and tired of VSL going around beating on people. No one leaving, I figured that I had to keep talking. I was hoping someone else would get up and talk, but they didn’t. It was obviously up to me. I was always the one to make the first move. All the decisions were always on my shoulders. My father taught me to be a leader, not a follower. He taught me to think for myself, and to never say anything without thinking about it first.
“If they want to start a stupid gang within our town and start banging VSL, then I see no problem if we bang BARRIO APACHE! We are the only barrio in town not bowing down to them punks. From now on, any vatos that aren’t from Apache we got to jam them up,” I said hitting my fist for exclamation.
“We got to let them chavalas know that they can’t come into Barrio Apache. We got to protect ourselves and our hood from them vatos, cause nobody else will.”
“If they want to start a stupid gang within our town and start banging VSL, then I see no problem if we bang BARRIO APACHE! We are the only barrio in town not bowing down to them punks. From now on, any vatos that aren’t from Apache we got to jam them up,” I said hitting my fist for exclamation.
“We got to let them chavalas know that they can’t come into Barrio Apache. We got to protect ourselves and our hood from them vatos, cause nobody else will.”
I could tell that the homies were getting excited. My blood was rushing within me. I refused to let them VSL vatos take our town over. We now had thirty members in our small click. Not bad for the first day. We all made promises to each other that we would back up Barrio Apache with all of our hearts, con todo el corazon.
For the rest of the day everybody just kicked it. The radio went back on and the weed was smoked once again, filling the house with thick smoke. Gangs are started that easily. I never thought the day would come where I would hate my own Raza. Here I was wanting to kill other Chicanos from another gang. To think, all my father had taught me didn’t matter in the real world. And although my heroes were Villa and Zapata, they were history. Nobody cared about the struggle anymore. Nobody cared if Zapata fought for the poor. It just didn’t matter anymore. Everything now was just spoils of war. I actually believed I was going to do something great for my people. Now I knew that it was all lost, the causa, the revolution, even the pride and my gente.
For the rest of the day everybody just kicked it. The radio went back on and the weed was smoked once again, filling the house with thick smoke. Gangs are started that easily. I never thought the day would come where I would hate my own Raza. Here I was wanting to kill other Chicanos from another gang. To think, all my father had taught me didn’t matter in the real world. And although my heroes were Villa and Zapata, they were history. Nobody cared about the struggle anymore. Nobody cared if Zapata fought for the poor. It just didn’t matter anymore. Everything now was just spoils of war. I actually believed I was going to do something great for my people. Now I knew that it was all lost, the causa, the revolution, even the pride and my gente.
Two months had passed and things were worse with each day. Now there were at least sixty Apache members in the gang, not counting the youngsters trying to get into the clicka. Everything was tense all over town as fights broke out at the high school, local parks and fast food places. Vatos and jainas were getting suspended and expelled from school all of the time. Every single Chicano in town felt as if they had to pick a side for their safety.
VSL were also growing in numbers so much that I didn’t recognize all of their faces anymore. Tobo was on crutches for a month because of his damaged leg from the big fight at school. My parents knew that something was going on with me. They constantly asked me why I was so quiet. They said I was acting like a different person.
VSL were also growing in numbers so much that I didn’t recognize all of their faces anymore. Tobo was on crutches for a month because of his damaged leg from the big fight at school. My parents knew that something was going on with me. They constantly asked me why I was so quiet. They said I was acting like a different person.
I knew I was different. But Vince was even more loco. I saw Vince lose all fear of death. I slowly saw him turn into a cold blooded gang banger almost overnight. I wondered if I had also changed. I wasn’t sure. But maybe I had and I couldn’t tell. Everything had happened so quick that I still didn’t know how to feel. One day everybody in town got along and the next we had to watch out back everytime we went out. My town was small with only four main streets. No matter where I went I would see VSL. I couldn’t even go grocery shopping with my mother anymore. I was bound to see one of them chavalas and a fight would break out.
Every time something would go down in the Barrio the homeboys would come to me. They always wanted my opinion about every single situation. Everything was getting out of control, and there was no way for me to stop it. I would never leave, because my homeboys needed me. So that’s how I became the leader of a gang. I didn’t want to lead. I didn’t ask for the job. But deep down inside my heart I knew I loved the power, even though I never admitted it to anyone else.
Every time something would go down in the Barrio the homeboys would come to me. They always wanted my opinion about every single situation. Everything was getting out of control, and there was no way for me to stop it. I would never leave, because my homeboys needed me. So that’s how I became the leader of a gang. I didn’t want to lead. I didn’t ask for the job. But deep down inside my heart I knew I loved the power, even though I never admitted it to anyone else.
The homeboys would drive all over town and tag the walls, writing Barrio Apache with spray cans. They would cross out anyone else that had written on the wall. Sometimes the other gang would try to retaliate and come into Barrio Apache to tag our walls with their gang name. It was a major disrespect for anybody to come into our barrio and cross our names out. All we had was our homeboys and neighborhood. When anyone drove onto our streets, they knew it was Apache territory. Sometimes they got away with it, and sometimes they didn’t. I guess that was the risk of it all. Big Ed always complained of the fights, saying it messed up his bud slanging. Chuey got locked up for the big fight at the school parking lot. A teacher recognized him and called the cops on him. They went to his house and picked him up. It didn’t matter. He was going to be out after doing two and a half months. The everyday stress was finally weighing on me. I never thought that gangbanging could be so tiresome. All I wanted to do was rest. It felt as if I were drowning or being crushed. But who could I tell? I didn’t have anyone to lean on. I couldn’t ever see an end to any of it.
