Since the NFL season is underway and since, in recent days, we've been opining on uniforms here at $8 Beers, it's time to give the pros their day in court. Here, then, is a ranking of every current NFL uni. From best to worst ...
1. Indianapolis Colts - Classic logo, great colors, great stripes.
2. New York Giants - Old-school logo is great, and kudos for rocking the gray pants. Even the red jerseys work.
3. Chicago Bears - So long as they stay away from the all-blue arrangement, these are great. However, they should make every Bear wear one of those giant, honking Walter Payton mouthpieces.
4. Oakland Raiders - Cool logo, classic design that's never changed. Their fans, however, need to realize they haven't been charged with taking back the streets in a post-apocalyptic America.
5. New York Jets - Back in the Al Toon/Ken O'Brien days, these were pretty bad. But now they've gone old school, and it works great.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers - Best helmets in the NFL? Maybe so. Pant stripes are too wide, but that's the only complaint.
7. Dallas Cowboys - Another classic that's survived the years. The white-jerseys-at-home thing is a Dallas hallmark. New nickname for Wade Phillips: "The T.O. Whisperer."
8. Kansas City Chiefs - Home unis look great, and they're one of the few teams that makes the pants-and-helmet-same-color thing work on the road.
9. Green Bay Packers - Bad colors, but overall a great look at screams classic NFL. The "G" on the helmet is as distinctive as it gets.
10. San Diego Chargers - So long as those white helmets stick around, these are great.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Believe it or not, I liked the old orange, sissified Errol Flynn unis they used to have, but the pewter-and-red look is a step up.
12. Washington Redskins - Not the greatest colors, and it's easily the most offensive nickname going. However, it's all pretty classic looking.
13. San Francisco 49ers - Great to see them bust out the Bill Walsh-era unis in the opener, and the updated version isn't too bad, either.
14. Miami Dolphins - The gag-a-maggot orange jerseys could, well, gag maggots, but the usual home threads are cool. Immutable law: The Dolphins should always wear all white on the road.
15. Houston Texans - These are serviceable. Most expansion teams come out wearing fashion-forward atrocities, so if you grade the Texans on a curve they come out even better.
16. Detroit Lions - Smurfs!
17. Philadelphia Eagles - Green's hard to pull off, and the Eagles don't do it as well as the Jets and Packers do. Some of the recent flourishes they've added call to mind NFL Europe. That's not a compliment.
18. St. Louis Rams - The helmets are cool, but I liked the old colors better. The current ones are a bit too Colorado Statey.
19. Cleveland Browns - If you're wearing your irony britches, then these aren't all that bad. However, in any objective sense they're ugly. Bring back the Brian Sipe/Sam Rutigliano orange pants!
20. Carolina Panthers - NWA was straight outta Compton. These are straight outta Arena Football.
21. New Orleans Saints - Bring back the gold pants. Until then, the Saints unis don't stack up well. As for the logo, you know what's wimpier than a flower? A French flower.
22. Minnesota Vikings - Once upon a time, these were cool. Now, however, they've been ruined with the worst stripes in sports.
23. Tennessee Titans - There's just something "second-division Catholic high school" about these.
24. Arizona Cardinals - They were okay before, and now they look like they've been focus-grouped to appeal to at-risk youths. It's not working. Try changing your name to the Cardinalz. Because, you know, kids these days like words that end "z."
25. Jacksonville Jaguars - Looks like the initial design the Panthers laughed out of the pitch meeting.
26. New England Patriots - Boy, do I hate these. In a vacuum, they bellow "USFL!" from the rooftops, but they're not horrible. They're merely bad. However, when you consider New England dumped what were the best unis in the NFL in favor of this garbage, then it becomes one of the great crimes of the century. Viva la Pat the Patriot! Oh, and Bill Belichick is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater.
27. Atlanta Falcons - Which is worse, the Falcons themselves or their uniforms? The current look is a grave affront to Jeff Van Note, Steve Bartkowski, William Andrews and, of course, Mick Luckhurst.
28. Buffalo Bills - The Bills are righteous when they bust out the white helmets, but the mod look they most often sport is just lousy. Somewhere, Joe Cribbs is crying.
29. Denver Broncos - Unis like these communicate one message: We're going finally going to get past the Montreal Alouettes and win that elusive Grey Cup!
30. Baltimore Ravens - The Ravens' threads are the last word in ugly. When they play at home, they look like a plate of Barney with a side of bruised fruit.
31. Seattle Seahawks - If you're going to sport the monochromatic look, try something other than sea-foam green.
32. Cincinnati Bengals - Brach's Kandy Korn picking up trash on the side of the highway.
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1. Indianapolis Colts - Classic logo, great colors, great stripes.
2. New York Giants - Old-school logo is great, and kudos for rocking the gray pants. Even the red jerseys work.
3. Chicago Bears - So long as they stay away from the all-blue arrangement, these are great. However, they should make every Bear wear one of those giant, honking Walter Payton mouthpieces.
4. Oakland Raiders - Cool logo, classic design that's never changed. Their fans, however, need to realize they haven't been charged with taking back the streets in a post-apocalyptic America.
5. New York Jets - Back in the Al Toon/Ken O'Brien days, these were pretty bad. But now they've gone old school, and it works great.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers - Best helmets in the NFL? Maybe so. Pant stripes are too wide, but that's the only complaint.
7. Dallas Cowboys - Another classic that's survived the years. The white-jerseys-at-home thing is a Dallas hallmark. New nickname for Wade Phillips: "The T.O. Whisperer."
8. Kansas City Chiefs - Home unis look great, and they're one of the few teams that makes the pants-and-helmet-same-color thing work on the road.
9. Green Bay Packers - Bad colors, but overall a great look at screams classic NFL. The "G" on the helmet is as distinctive as it gets.
10. San Diego Chargers - So long as those white helmets stick around, these are great.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Believe it or not, I liked the old orange, sissified Errol Flynn unis they used to have, but the pewter-and-red look is a step up.
12. Washington Redskins - Not the greatest colors, and it's easily the most offensive nickname going. However, it's all pretty classic looking.
13. San Francisco 49ers - Great to see them bust out the Bill Walsh-era unis in the opener, and the updated version isn't too bad, either.
14. Miami Dolphins - The gag-a-maggot orange jerseys could, well, gag maggots, but the usual home threads are cool. Immutable law: The Dolphins should always wear all white on the road.
15. Houston Texans - These are serviceable. Most expansion teams come out wearing fashion-forward atrocities, so if you grade the Texans on a curve they come out even better.
16. Detroit Lions - Smurfs!
17. Philadelphia Eagles - Green's hard to pull off, and the Eagles don't do it as well as the Jets and Packers do. Some of the recent flourishes they've added call to mind NFL Europe. That's not a compliment.
18. St. Louis Rams - The helmets are cool, but I liked the old colors better. The current ones are a bit too Colorado Statey.
19. Cleveland Browns - If you're wearing your irony britches, then these aren't all that bad. However, in any objective sense they're ugly. Bring back the Brian Sipe/Sam Rutigliano orange pants!
20. Carolina Panthers - NWA was straight outta Compton. These are straight outta Arena Football.
21. New Orleans Saints - Bring back the gold pants. Until then, the Saints unis don't stack up well. As for the logo, you know what's wimpier than a flower? A French flower.
22. Minnesota Vikings - Once upon a time, these were cool. Now, however, they've been ruined with the worst stripes in sports.
23. Tennessee Titans - There's just something "second-division Catholic high school" about these.
24. Arizona Cardinals - They were okay before, and now they look like they've been focus-grouped to appeal to at-risk youths. It's not working. Try changing your name to the Cardinalz. Because, you know, kids these days like words that end "z."
25. Jacksonville Jaguars - Looks like the initial design the Panthers laughed out of the pitch meeting.
26. New England Patriots - Boy, do I hate these. In a vacuum, they bellow "USFL!" from the rooftops, but they're not horrible. They're merely bad. However, when you consider New England dumped what were the best unis in the NFL in favor of this garbage, then it becomes one of the great crimes of the century. Viva la Pat the Patriot! Oh, and Bill Belichick is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater.
27. Atlanta Falcons - Which is worse, the Falcons themselves or their uniforms? The current look is a grave affront to Jeff Van Note, Steve Bartkowski, William Andrews and, of course, Mick Luckhurst.
28. Buffalo Bills - The Bills are righteous when they bust out the white helmets, but the mod look they most often sport is just lousy. Somewhere, Joe Cribbs is crying.
29. Denver Broncos - Unis like these communicate one message: We're going finally going to get past the Montreal Alouettes and win that elusive Grey Cup!
30. Baltimore Ravens - The Ravens' threads are the last word in ugly. When they play at home, they look like a plate of Barney with a side of bruised fruit.
31. Seattle Seahawks - If you're going to sport the monochromatic look, try something other than sea-foam green.
32. Cincinnati Bengals - Brach's Kandy Korn picking up trash on the side of the highway.
173 Comments | Add a comment
