jokes
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A nun is walking past a bar when a drunken man jumps out from an ally and punches her in the face. The nun falls to the ground, looks up and he kicks her in the head. Bleeding, the nun staggers to get on her knees and when she’s finally stable she receives a brutal head butt to the noise. She falls to the ground again. She opens her eyes and the guy stands up over her and says, "I thought you'd be harder than that, Batman."
Jesus and his friends enter a whorehouse. Jesus is reluctant to sample the whores, but his friends encourage him. So Jesus decides to give it a go. His friends wait for him to emerge. "Well, how was it?" asks one of them. "Terrible," replies Jesus. "I had hardly laid my hand on her vagina when the damn thing healed shut!"
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the fucking shit out of him
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light?
None, white girls can't screw
Q. Why did the islamist bomb the passenger train?
A. He heard the conductor shouting "allah bored!"
Q. Why did the islamist bomb the zoo?
A. He heard it had "allah haters!"
What's the difference between Jesus the man and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
You hear about the new car made in Israel?
Not only can it stop on a dime, it will go back and pick it up..
__________________
How do you fit 100 Cubans in a shoe box?
Tell them it's a raft.
Two black men in a car.
Who's driving?
The Police!
Why don't jews like oral sex?
It's too close to the gas chamber.
__
Why do Mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls?
Because they come with a birth certificates.
____________________
What's white and 10 inches long?
Absolutely nothing!
____________________
How long does it take for a white women to take a shit???
9 months
Popeye beat the fucking shit out of him
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light?
None, white girls can't screw
Q. Why did the islamist bomb the passenger train?
A. He heard the conductor shouting "allah bored!"
Q. Why did the islamist bomb the zoo?
A. He heard it had "allah haters!"
What's the difference between Jesus the man and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
You hear about the new car made in Israel?
Not only can it stop on a dime, it will go back and pick it up..
__________________
How do you fit 100 Cubans in a shoe box?
Tell them it's a raft.
Two black men in a car.
Who's driving?
The Police!
Why don't jews like oral sex?
It's too close to the gas chamber.
__
Why do Mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls?
Because they come with a birth certificates.
____________________
What's white and 10 inches long?
Absolutely nothing!
____________________
How long does it take for a white women to take a shit???
9 months
D
Alright brace yourself... I have pages and pages full of my favourite jokes. Here are a few of my favourites.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
D
"Listen up!" Noah said in a demanding voice. "There will be NO
sex on this trip. All of you males, take off your peckers and
hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a
receipt. After we see land, you can get your peckers back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and
was very excited.
"Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to
see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window.
"Sorry, no land yet."
"Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day for a week until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up
with him.
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty
days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able
to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he
held out a piece of, paper, "I got the donkey's receipt!!"
sex on this trip. All of you males, take off your peckers and
hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a
receipt. After we see land, you can get your peckers back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and
was very excited.
"Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to
see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window.
"Sorry, no land yet."
"Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day for a week until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up
with him.
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty
days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able
to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he
held out a piece of, paper, "I got the donkey's receipt!!"
D
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heated haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving, juicy near raw bacon.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees"
”Ees"
"Ees... a... Ham bush"
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving, juicy near raw bacon.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees"
”Ees"
"Ees... a... Ham bush"
D
A young man moved into a new apartment by himself and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming"
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature"?
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"It's got to be your ears"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked
"My ears? Look at my breasts, they are full and 100% natural, I work out everyday and my butt is firm and solid". "Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears"?
Clearing his throat, he stammered "outside, when you said you heard someone coming"?
"That was me"
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming"
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature"?
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"It's got to be your ears"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked
"My ears? Look at my breasts, they are full and 100% natural, I work out everyday and my butt is firm and solid". "Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears"?
Clearing his throat, he stammered "outside, when you said you heard someone coming"?
"That was me"
D
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
A young teenage couple just had a wonderful night out. The young man is walking his girlfriend up to her door. On the porch, he casually leans up against the wall and says to his girlfriend, "Honey, give me a blowjob." She says, "Right now? No!" He says, "Please, I am really tense and need some good head." The girl says, "No, someone will see us." He says, "No one is going to see us this late. Oh please, oh please, oh please, just give me a blowjob." Suddenly, the porch light turns on. The girl's younger sister opens the door. She says, "Dad says go ahead and give him the blowjob. Or mom said that she would do it. Or they said that I could even do it. But for God's sake, tell him to get his hand off of the speaker phone."
a man and his wife a driving the countryside during a bad storm....suddenly they hit a mud hole and get stuck...the man gets out and checks how badly they are stuck...he yells to his wife "its pretty bad, i think you might need to get help" they woman looks around and sees a house at the top of a hill...she tells her husband she needs his boots so she doesnt get her shoes dirty...so the man complies and forks up his boots...as his wife approaches the house she sees theres a nice clean rug on the porch so she takes off the muddy boots and places them between her thighs...she then rings the doorbell and a man answer...the women looks at the man and says "can you help us, my husband got stuck"