JOKES......Who Has The Siccest Ones?

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5-Dime NwK

5-Dime NwK

Sicc OG
#101
Nov 1, 2004
2,946
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#101
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
 
5-Dime NwK

5-Dime NwK

Sicc OG
#102
Nov 1, 2004
2,946
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#102
I have an idea to lower teenage pregnancy rates in the US.

Replace the current sex education in our schools with porn.

It would mean the girls would accept anal as the normal and the boys would know to pull out and cum on the girls tits.
 
DukeSkywalker

DukeSkywalker

Sicc OG
#105
Dec 24, 2005
811
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www.myspace.com
#105
After being married for 40 years a woman decides she wants to try to spice thing up with her husband. She goes to the local sex shop and buys a pair of crotchless underwear. She sits on the sofa with her legs spread just waiting for her husband to come home. He gets home and opens the door and sees her waiting for him. She points down to her pussy and says, "you want some of this?". He looks puzzled then replies, "hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!"
 
A

AdolfOliverBush

Sicc OG
#107
Apr 25, 2002
4,688
2,578
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Houston
#107
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
 
S

SteadyMobbin

Sicc OG
#112
Apr 21, 2006
4,936
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#112
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my cock and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:




If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
 
5-Dime NwK

5-Dime NwK

Sicc OG
#116
Nov 1, 2004
2,946
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#116
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
 
5-Dime NwK

5-Dime NwK

Sicc OG
#117
Nov 1, 2004
2,946
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#117
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

--------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....
 
5-Dime NwK

5-Dime NwK

Sicc OG
#118
Nov 1, 2004
2,946
78
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#118
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
 
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