i hope you take the time to read this and respond because im pouring my heart out to you mofos digs.
i was reading the thread of anti depressants in the detox and i got to thinking...
theres drama in everyones life...but is one sort worse than the other.
first you gotta know where im coming from...i like many ppl have good days and bad days, since i was maybe 17-18 the bad days have outnumbered the good days by far...im 23 now...there will be times when im hanging out with some ppl and having a good time, then all of a sudden ill feel like i dont belong, like i feel real out of place...i spent a good year and a half dealing with insomnia because all day id have shit going through my head, and getting good rest with a mind full of head drama is hard as fuck...there are times even the slightest thing will set me in this dark place...a dream i have, a aroma i smell in the air, everytie it gets to be novemember, it smells like the holidays, you know what i mean, and i had my worse head case during the holidays a few yrs back, so that shit sets me back to this day, not as bad as before but it still gets me a little down...what trips me out is...i used to be hella cool with ppl...cracking jokes, feeling happy w/out weed or alcohol...i had a personality...nowadays, often when i meet new ppl ill be quiet around them, unless im in a really good mood, i often dont have much to talk about, which leads to uncomftorable silences on some occassions, at least for me...at times i wont want to deal being around ppl, like ill be at the store and instead of walking thorugh the aisle w ppl in it ill go to another one so i wont have to deal with any sort of contact w anybody...i used to be an excitable person, nowadays though, you look at me and youd think im on meds or some shit, always the same expression, the same tone of voice, a lot of forced grettings along the way to ppl who feel like talking to me...smoking bud is the only thing thats kept me somewhat level headed throughout this ordeal, so i dont think twice about lighting up at work, at school, wherever, i dont give a fuck if ppl thinkg shit about it...what hit me hard a while back i was at home and i was cracking jokes and laughing up a storm, and my mom told me she hadnt seen me like that in years...and that comment alone was enough to get me low...i think this shit i somewhat phsycological, because i see the same shit happen to my dad...the biggest asshole ive ever known is my own dad, i sometimes see him just sitting there like i sometimes do, not talking to anybody and looking real mopey...so it aint some traumatic stress syndrome, its phsycological head drama i gotta deal with.
so the other day im talking to some dude about politics, and i forget exactly how the convo came around to him saying something along the lines of "you aint had it as worse as me, when my dad was gone, my mom didnt give a shit about me and i was robbing on the streest"...so i looked at him funyy and i asked him" you really think you had it worse than me?...my head drama is deep enough to fill the ocean with my friend...nobody will ever know how deep these scars are, how embedded in me they are...i used to wonder "why ppl who are depressed dont just do something they like doing and snap out of it?"...well, i went thorugh the same shit were nothing made me happy, so its not that easy.
so in conclusion...whats worse.
someone who has been through hell and back in life, dealing with no dad, living in poverty, food stamps w pb&j sandwiches for dinner etc etc... or someone who doesnt need to go to hell to be miserably, all they gotta do is think, and the bitch is there, in their own heads, wether by some phycological headcase, or by some post traumatic stress.
i often think...physical scars and wounds heal, so you were poor when you were a kid, and you had it rough physically, how does that compare to a broken mind like mine...no matter what goes on around me, no matter whos around me, no matter how much money ihave, the same bitch of a feeling is always there.
ive been cool for the past 6 monmths or so so its easier talking about this now than ot would have been a year ago, ive accepted the fact that im somewhat mindfucked so it doesnt bother me anymore to talk about it.
for those that feel me, smoke some.
i was reading the thread of anti depressants in the detox and i got to thinking...
theres drama in everyones life...but is one sort worse than the other.
first you gotta know where im coming from...i like many ppl have good days and bad days, since i was maybe 17-18 the bad days have outnumbered the good days by far...im 23 now...there will be times when im hanging out with some ppl and having a good time, then all of a sudden ill feel like i dont belong, like i feel real out of place...i spent a good year and a half dealing with insomnia because all day id have shit going through my head, and getting good rest with a mind full of head drama is hard as fuck...there are times even the slightest thing will set me in this dark place...a dream i have, a aroma i smell in the air, everytie it gets to be novemember, it smells like the holidays, you know what i mean, and i had my worse head case during the holidays a few yrs back, so that shit sets me back to this day, not as bad as before but it still gets me a little down...what trips me out is...i used to be hella cool with ppl...cracking jokes, feeling happy w/out weed or alcohol...i had a personality...nowadays, often when i meet new ppl ill be quiet around them, unless im in a really good mood, i often dont have much to talk about, which leads to uncomftorable silences on some occassions, at least for me...at times i wont want to deal being around ppl, like ill be at the store and instead of walking thorugh the aisle w ppl in it ill go to another one so i wont have to deal with any sort of contact w anybody...i used to be an excitable person, nowadays though, you look at me and youd think im on meds or some shit, always the same expression, the same tone of voice, a lot of forced grettings along the way to ppl who feel like talking to me...smoking bud is the only thing thats kept me somewhat level headed throughout this ordeal, so i dont think twice about lighting up at work, at school, wherever, i dont give a fuck if ppl thinkg shit about it...what hit me hard a while back i was at home and i was cracking jokes and laughing up a storm, and my mom told me she hadnt seen me like that in years...and that comment alone was enough to get me low...i think this shit i somewhat phsycological, because i see the same shit happen to my dad...the biggest asshole ive ever known is my own dad, i sometimes see him just sitting there like i sometimes do, not talking to anybody and looking real mopey...so it aint some traumatic stress syndrome, its phsycological head drama i gotta deal with.
so the other day im talking to some dude about politics, and i forget exactly how the convo came around to him saying something along the lines of "you aint had it as worse as me, when my dad was gone, my mom didnt give a shit about me and i was robbing on the streest"...so i looked at him funyy and i asked him" you really think you had it worse than me?...my head drama is deep enough to fill the ocean with my friend...nobody will ever know how deep these scars are, how embedded in me they are...i used to wonder "why ppl who are depressed dont just do something they like doing and snap out of it?"...well, i went thorugh the same shit were nothing made me happy, so its not that easy.
so in conclusion...whats worse.
someone who has been through hell and back in life, dealing with no dad, living in poverty, food stamps w pb&j sandwiches for dinner etc etc... or someone who doesnt need to go to hell to be miserably, all they gotta do is think, and the bitch is there, in their own heads, wether by some phycological headcase, or by some post traumatic stress.
i often think...physical scars and wounds heal, so you were poor when you were a kid, and you had it rough physically, how does that compare to a broken mind like mine...no matter what goes on around me, no matter whos around me, no matter how much money ihave, the same bitch of a feeling is always there.
ive been cool for the past 6 monmths or so so its easier talking about this now than ot would have been a year ago, ive accepted the fact that im somewhat mindfucked so it doesnt bother me anymore to talk about it.
for those that feel me, smoke some.
