Got this email from a friend and thought this was funny. Chuck fuckin' Norris.
Why Chuck Norris is the Man
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby
Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to
his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night ! he checks
his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting
infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes
killing.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that
roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker
despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail
Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green number 4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red
Cross. Just never his own.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in
France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to
be on the safe side.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't F**k with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month. Chuck always wins unless he lets the Devil win.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer,
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.
When Chuck ! Norris's wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Of course he can't shoot
out of his finger. The German died of fright.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
"Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded
to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then
drank three kegs and [censored] on their floor, just
because he's Chuck Norris.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of
elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his
strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as
hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself,
"That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.",
then you are dead wrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells
like you and I. His have a small black ring around
them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick
the [censored] out of viruses.
That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate
classes, just so he ! can "accidentally" beat the
[censored] out of little kids.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they
refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,
insisting that that actually is "his" way.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she
didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
was more "humane".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books
for children who just bought one for the hell of it.
When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll
give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks
them in the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult
your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4
hours. His erections have been known to last for up to
15 days.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of
his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris,
she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck
if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't
hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong.Jesus has missed two.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.
He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his
waitress.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in
his basement. He also has the ability to lift every
single one of them at once.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas
Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck
Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you
get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck
travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12
minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a
half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Whoever told you ther! e are special effects in the
Matrix is lying. For the 360 degree scenes, they just
attached a camera to Chuck Norris's left foot.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds
to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank
forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched
and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay
taxe! s ever.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
When cops pull Chuck Norris over, he writes THEM a
ticket. And they never take it to court.
The leading cause of death in America is not smoking.
It is, in fact, Chuck Norris. The supposedly rising
number of people that die from smoking, is just a
cover up of Norris' true ability.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck
replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!"
The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness.
Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered b! y Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this
spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact
a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and
that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless
Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is
most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because he
is afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid
of him.
Why Chuck Norris is the Man
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby
Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to
his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night ! he checks
his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting
infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes
killing.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that
roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker
despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail
Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green number 4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red
Cross. Just never his own.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in
France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to
be on the safe side.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't F**k with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month. Chuck always wins unless he lets the Devil win.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer,
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.
When Chuck ! Norris's wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Of course he can't shoot
out of his finger. The German died of fright.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
"Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded
to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then
drank three kegs and [censored] on their floor, just
because he's Chuck Norris.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of
elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his
strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as
hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself,
"That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.",
then you are dead wrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells
like you and I. His have a small black ring around
them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick
the [censored] out of viruses.
That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate
classes, just so he ! can "accidentally" beat the
[censored] out of little kids.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they
refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,
insisting that that actually is "his" way.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she
didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
was more "humane".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books
for children who just bought one for the hell of it.
When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll
give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks
them in the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult
your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4
hours. His erections have been known to last for up to
15 days.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of
his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris,
she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck
if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't
hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong.Jesus has missed two.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.
He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his
waitress.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in
his basement. He also has the ability to lift every
single one of them at once.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas
Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck
Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you
get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck
travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12
minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a
half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Whoever told you ther! e are special effects in the
Matrix is lying. For the 360 degree scenes, they just
attached a camera to Chuck Norris's left foot.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds
to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank
forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched
and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay
taxe! s ever.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
hung like Chuck Norris.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
When cops pull Chuck Norris over, he writes THEM a
ticket. And they never take it to court.
The leading cause of death in America is not smoking.
It is, in fact, Chuck Norris. The supposedly rising
number of people that die from smoking, is just a
cover up of Norris' true ability.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck
replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!"
The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness.
Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered b! y Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this
spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact
a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and
that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless
Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is
most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because he
is afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid
of him.
