Dear Red States:
Weve decided were leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
were taking the other Blue States with us. In case you arent aware,
that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota ,
Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this
split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people
of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of
Liberty . You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss. We get 85 percent of
Americas venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalitions, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and were going to want all our citizens
back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your
evangelicals. They have kids theyre apparently willing to send to
their deaths for no purpose, and they dont care if you dont show
pictures of their childrens caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but were not
willing to spend our resources in Bush\'s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the countrys fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nations fresh fruit, 95 percent of
Americas quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the
high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools
plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other
hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans
and their projected health care costs, 92 percent of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the
hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent
of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University , Clemson and the
University of Georgia . We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless were discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44
percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam
was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, were taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico .
Peace out,
Blue States
Weve decided were leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
were taking the other Blue States with us. In case you arent aware,
that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota ,
Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this
split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people
of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of
Liberty . You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss. We get 85 percent of
Americas venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalitions, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and were going to want all our citizens
back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your
evangelicals. They have kids theyre apparently willing to send to
their deaths for no purpose, and they dont care if you dont show
pictures of their childrens caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but were not
willing to spend our resources in Bush\'s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the countrys fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nations fresh fruit, 95 percent of
Americas quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the
high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools
plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other
hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans
and their projected health care costs, 92 percent of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the
hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent
of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University , Clemson and the
University of Georgia . We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless were discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44
percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam
was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, were taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico .
Peace out,
Blue States
