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Jul 21, 2004
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#1
Hi There….i was hoping you could give me your flat-out opinion with this email I want to send to my boss…We had a hoarding seminar and it really pushed me to stop being so tentative about what I want to accomplish here at Medical School. So I’ve had this research in my head for a while and this seminar seems to be a great opportunity to further my research openly. Could you help with my grammar and if this makes even sense to you. I would greatly appreciated.

Chronic Hoarding Behaviors….it really triggered myself awareness of clutter and the many facet of what the mind can neglect at any emotionally life changing turning point. I believe there is a great deal of social abandon for such a tragedy to occur right next door. My own thoughts are to delegate social awareness of our neighbors. To provide a level of guaranteed consistence in our everyday life to keep the mind busy and focus in our social changes. There are more people afraid, insecure, self depleting, and in their own minds THAN people who likes to be around people.

I’ve been thinking of a study regarding the regularity and normalcy of the physical and chemical exchange in the cranial area to trigger specific brain activity and function. I have this itch I’ve been meaning to speak on but am only researching. When we are young (1- to 100 years old) there is a high level of conversation and physical movements in the cranial area. During conversation and eating our hearing, memorization, visual intakes, physical controls (sitting/standing/cognitive behaviors), vocal cords, smell, and focus are at 100% activity. As signs of “getting older” is pronounce (or misinterpreted) in a moment of our daily life, we tend to focus on the disturbance of “getting older.” Our levels of activity decrease to focus on areas which he/she believes to be in the early stages of “getting older”. I think it is likely, memory. Memory could eschew our present reality to involve emotional re-cycle from the past. BUT as conversations and eating decreases, then some of the chemistry and functionality of the cranial area becomes dormant, which causes memory lost, hearing impairment, and focus. These results also generate fears of being alone. Within such a drastic irregularity of the physical-ness of conversation and eating, I believe, could trigger dementia, Alzheimer, and hoarding tendencies.

What do you think?
 
Aug 26, 2002
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WWW.YABITCHDONEME.COM
#3
2 things i saw right off.


Chronic Hoarding Behaviors….it really
never start a email like this...especially if you are trying to sound semi-professional about it...im talking about the dots (.....)

it really triggered myself awareness of clutter and the many facet of what the mind can neglect at any emotionally life changing turning point.

should say: It really triggered MY awareness.....


...i didnt read the whole thing...but thats some helpful things to remember.

5000
 
Jun 15, 2005
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#4
Merciedez said:
Chronic Hoarding Behaviors have really triggered my self-awareness of clutter and the many facets of what the mind can neglect at any emotional life-changing turning point. I believe there is a great deal of social abandon for such a tragedy to occur right next door. My own thoughts are to delegate social awareness of our neighbors in order to provide a level of guaranteed consistency in our everyday life to keep the mind busy and focus on our social changes. There are more people who are afraid, insecure, and self-depleting in their own minds THAN people who are comfortable being around others.

I’ve been thinking of a study regarding the regularity and normalcy of the physical and chemical exchange in the cranial area to trigger specific brain activity and function. I have this itch I’ve been meaning to speak on but am only researching. When we are young (1- to 100 years old) there is a high level of conversation and physical movements in the cranial area. During conversation and eating, our hearing, memorization, visual intakes, physical controls (sitting/standing/cognitive behaviors), vocal cords, smell, and focus are at 100% activity. As signs of “getting older” is pronounced (or misinterpreted) in a moment of our daily life, we tend to focus on the disturbance of “getting older.” Our levels of activity decrease to focus on areas which we believe to be in the early stages of “getting older”. I think it is likely, memory. Memory could eschew our present reality to involve emotional re-cycle from the past, BUT as conversations and eating decreases, then some of the chemistry and functionality of the cranial area becomes dormant, which causes memory loss, hearing impairment, and loss of focus. These results also generate fears of being alone. Within such a drastic irregularity of the physical activity of conversation and eating, I believe, could trigger dementia, Alzheimer's, and hoarding tendencies.

What do you think?
Corrected. There are several things that I would have written differently, but I really didn't see the need to change the style of writing. Hope I helped you a bit.
 
Mar 9, 2005
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#7
All in all pretty good Merciedez. I'm not sure if I'm too late or not, but there's a few things that need changing;

Merciedez said:
My own thoughts are to delegate social awareness of our neighbors.
You cannot delegate social awareness of your neighbours, you can delegate social awareness TO your neighbours or INCREASE social awareness of your neighbours.

Merciedez said:
As signs of “getting older” is pronounce
change is for are and add a d on the end of pronounce - 'As signs of getting older are pronounced', signs being plural.

Merciedez said:
I think it is likely, memory.
Not really a sentence - you could tack it onto your previous sentence if you like, i.e. "Our levels of activity decrease to focus on areas which he/she believes to be in the early stages of “getting older”, particularly memory.

Merciedez said:
Memory could eschew our present reality to involve emotional re-cycle from the past.
recycling instead of recycle, no hyphen in between re and cycle: "Memory could eschew our present reality to involve emotional recycling from the past"

Merciedez said:
Never start a sentence with but, it's akin to starting a sentence with and or because.

Merciedez said:
some of the chemistry and functionality of the cranial area becomes dormant, which causes memory lost, hearing impairment, and focus.
Good, but you should change lost for loss. I don't really understand the term focus in this context - increased focus, decreased focus etc. Also, what are you focussing on? e.g. increased focus on specific mental functions etc.

Merciedez said:
These results also generate fears of being alone. Within such a drastic irregularity of the physical-ness of conversation...
Physical-ness is not a real word/term - try changing it for something like 'personal nature', 'physical contact between conversationalists' or 'intimacy' (as opposed to being detached) - I can't think of the right word now.

Merciedez said:
Alzheimer
Just needs an s on the end, i.e. Alzheimers.

I can ensure you that this is no personal attack - I'm simply giving you my honest opinion. I really like your writing style, there's just a few niggly bits that need ironing out. I'd like to wish you the best of luck in your research endeavours, I hope the powers that be like your idea - it sounds very interesting and has a lot of potential. It all comes down to funding though...
 

HERESY

THE HIDDEN HAND...
Apr 25, 2002
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www.godscalamity.com
www.godscalamity.com
#8
Ok, so here I was thinking that Merciedez was typing babble just for the hell of it, and I come to find out Merciedez is actually trying to do something (and is asking for help.) I apologize for some of the comments I have made in the past (towards you.)

Try to find: The Little BrownEssential Handbook for Writers (4th edition.) The author is Jane E. Aaron and the ISBN is 0-321-20257-0. You use the ISBN to find books you are searching for. Go to www.studentaid.ed.gov and see if they have it. Also, you can check for it here www.ablongman.com/littlebrown.
If you have a library card you should sign into NETLIBRARY and see if they have the book in PDF or electronic format (that way you don't have to pay for it if you are low on $$$$$.)