49ers vs Bears, 8/21/08
- Thread starter PoLLo LoC831
- Start date
obviously you don't know much about King Neckbeard. Here is some reading info so you best educate yourself:
Kyle Orton gained fame for his ability to out drink the entire Chicago Bears team. He is considered to be one of the most laid-back and mediocre quarterbacks of all time, thus ranking him as the greatest all-time athlete in the history of the universe. Orton is also the The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, prophesied to bring forth mass inebriation.
Early Life
Kyle Orton was never born; instead, he burst forth full grown from the forehead of the Great Whiskey God, Jack Daniels. Orton however, was too impure, and was forced to leave the divine realm of Whiskey for the land of rape and honey, better known as Iowa. He spent his first mortal years living with an unsuspecting farm family, who raised Orton as their own until he was old enough to raise his fists in the act of drinking. Orton attended high school, where he met his long-time friend and blood brother, Ricky Williams. The two met in detention – Orton was being punished for threatening to castrate his principal, while Williams was facing a death sentence for using chemicals in his chemistry class to make Crystal Meth. During this period, Williams introduced Orton to marijuana, which Orton reluctantly tried. Orton and Williams went on to become collegiate super stars.
Orton took the ACT during his junior year of high school, and scored a perfect 36. When asked how he accomplished it, Orton responded, “I studied high, I took the test high, and I got high scores!” However, the fates conspired against Orton again. Despite completing high school with a 4.20 GPA, Orton was arrested for being belligerent at Bris. He was then sentenced to serve 90 days worth of community service in a random portion of Indiana.
Professional career
"Coach, can I get a different helmet? Urlacher says the green dot means you're designated driver...”
Orton soon found himself bored of picking up garbage along the high way. He wondered away from his working site, and somehow ended up at Purdue University. Orton walked onto the field, pushed aside the Boilermakers starting quarterback, and threw fifty touchdowns on ten attempts. Orton attributed his success to the Whiskey Gods, and offered a sacrifice of Jack and Jim for a bountiful football career. His career was going well, until he heard the grave news that his longtime friend, Ricky Williams, was about to be lynched by Roger Goodell and a group of suits for his connections to marijuana. Orton abandoned his starting position to save Williams from the mob. Sadly he was to late, Williams was sent to Canada via the Skyline Bullet-Train. Before the train pulled out of the station, he threw Orton a special brew, containing pure alcohol and THC.
Orton consumed the sacred beverage, only to blackout and regain full consciences many months later. He awoke at the 2005 NFL Draft next to a man, a Bears’ jersey, and a crowd of spectators. Orton, dumbfounded by the sudden rush of information, gazed into the crowd with his blood-shoot eyes and began to sing to opening lyrics to “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkle. Head coach Lovie Smith buried his faced in hands, praying to Odin for redemption. Smith, determined to hide Orton away from the public, allowed Rex Grossman to trap him in his gingerbread house. Orton was trapped for several months, but managed to escape by eating his way out. He arrived at the Bears head quarters in time to witness Grossman shatter his prosthetic leg. Hearing Odin’s call, Orton pounded a handle of Whiskey like water, and gained Smith’s respect. Smith created the best football strategy in history in 2005 - entitled "Run, Gun, and Let the Defense Do All the Work"
Orton's hourly planner
Orton lives by this schedule 365 days of the year. It should be noted that he is un-phased by leap years, months, days, or frogs.
* 12:00 am - 3:00 pm: Sleep and Sleep-drink.
* 4:00 pm: Wake up, toke.
* 5:00 pm: Make up excuses for missing practice/game
* 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm: Drink, then toke, then drink again
* 10:00 pm - 11:00 pm: Rail at least fifty Swedish chicks, toke, drink.
Kyle Orton gained fame for his ability to out drink the entire Chicago Bears team. He is considered to be one of the most laid-back and mediocre quarterbacks of all time, thus ranking him as the greatest all-time athlete in the history of the universe. Orton is also the The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, prophesied to bring forth mass inebriation.
Early Life
“I ain't gonna miss going to high school, but I'm going to miss getting high at school”
~ Kyle Orton on education
~ Kyle Orton on education
Kyle Orton was never born; instead, he burst forth full grown from the forehead of the Great Whiskey God, Jack Daniels. Orton however, was too impure, and was forced to leave the divine realm of Whiskey for the land of rape and honey, better known as Iowa. He spent his first mortal years living with an unsuspecting farm family, who raised Orton as their own until he was old enough to raise his fists in the act of drinking. Orton attended high school, where he met his long-time friend and blood brother, Ricky Williams. The two met in detention – Orton was being punished for threatening to castrate his principal, while Williams was facing a death sentence for using chemicals in his chemistry class to make Crystal Meth. During this period, Williams introduced Orton to marijuana, which Orton reluctantly tried. Orton and Williams went on to become collegiate super stars.
Orton took the ACT during his junior year of high school, and scored a perfect 36. When asked how he accomplished it, Orton responded, “I studied high, I took the test high, and I got high scores!” However, the fates conspired against Orton again. Despite completing high school with a 4.20 GPA, Orton was arrested for being belligerent at Bris. He was then sentenced to serve 90 days worth of community service in a random portion of Indiana.
Professional career
"Coach, can I get a different helmet? Urlacher says the green dot means you're designated driver...”
Orton soon found himself bored of picking up garbage along the high way. He wondered away from his working site, and somehow ended up at Purdue University. Orton walked onto the field, pushed aside the Boilermakers starting quarterback, and threw fifty touchdowns on ten attempts. Orton attributed his success to the Whiskey Gods, and offered a sacrifice of Jack and Jim for a bountiful football career. His career was going well, until he heard the grave news that his longtime friend, Ricky Williams, was about to be lynched by Roger Goodell and a group of suits for his connections to marijuana. Orton abandoned his starting position to save Williams from the mob. Sadly he was to late, Williams was sent to Canada via the Skyline Bullet-Train. Before the train pulled out of the station, he threw Orton a special brew, containing pure alcohol and THC.
Orton consumed the sacred beverage, only to blackout and regain full consciences many months later. He awoke at the 2005 NFL Draft next to a man, a Bears’ jersey, and a crowd of spectators. Orton, dumbfounded by the sudden rush of information, gazed into the crowd with his blood-shoot eyes and began to sing to opening lyrics to “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkle. Head coach Lovie Smith buried his faced in hands, praying to Odin for redemption. Smith, determined to hide Orton away from the public, allowed Rex Grossman to trap him in his gingerbread house. Orton was trapped for several months, but managed to escape by eating his way out. He arrived at the Bears head quarters in time to witness Grossman shatter his prosthetic leg. Hearing Odin’s call, Orton pounded a handle of Whiskey like water, and gained Smith’s respect. Smith created the best football strategy in history in 2005 - entitled "Run, Gun, and Let the Defense Do All the Work"
Orton's hourly planner
Orton lives by this schedule 365 days of the year. It should be noted that he is un-phased by leap years, months, days, or frogs.
* 12:00 am - 3:00 pm: Sleep and Sleep-drink.
* 4:00 pm: Wake up, toke.
* 5:00 pm: Make up excuses for missing practice/game
* 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm: Drink, then toke, then drink again
* 10:00 pm - 11:00 pm: Rail at least fifty Swedish chicks, toke, drink.
Kyle Orton is officially cool in my book.