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autistic

Sicc OG
#1
Mar 4, 2006
3,570
0
0
44
#1
So Here's The Situation

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Date: 2007-02-16, 9:26PM EST



I am a very attractive Spanish/Canadian woman in my mid-twenties. I have the classic mediterrenean look. I have the face of Catherine Zeta-Jones, tanned complexion and have been told by many that although my breasts are a little bigger than average they are quite nice. I graduated university only recently, and have a decent job.

However, I have a dilemna......as attractive as I am, the biggest problem I have is holding onto a guy. It is not because I have mental problems or anything, I am quite sane, but there is something that I can't control...see...I have bad gas. I blow really enormous farts all the time, and for the most part they stink really badly. This is just my luck, I am a totally attractive woman, but eventually a guy will find out, that I blow big farts on a regular basis, and they stink horribly. There are probably some guys reading this saying how they can get past all of that, but before you e-mail me let me give you some examples of how my farting can compromise things.

Just two weeks ago I was at Schmooze, and I met this cute guy, he bought me drinks, and then next thing I know I am making out with him on the dance floor. He didn't know about my farting problem on the dance floor cause all the cologne and perfume that everyone was wearing I guess masked it. It wasn't until we went to a bathroom stall to makeout that my secret slipped out. There he was one hand on my breast, and the other on my left ass cheek, and I let out this unbelievably loud fart, and he opened his eyes, stepped back, and passed out. My farting can interfere with sex too. I mean think about it, there you are taking me from behind, when all of a sudden, you hear this Tuba-like sound coming out of my ass, and there it is for you, the Chili we had at dinner. Even just sleeping bed could be problematic, there you are trying to fall a sleep, and I am right next to you tooting like there is no tomorrow. My farting has been a problem in my current job. Poor Marilyn, the middle aged woman that sat next to my desk is on extended sick leave. It's a good thing they invented Febreeze, I go through about a bottle a week.

Other than that, I am intelligent, funny, cultured and well travelled. I am a lot fun to be with, and think that I would make a good companion. So if there are any guys that are interested, and can get past my farting problem, or at least are willing to make a genuine attempt, e-mail me...your pic gets mine.
 
MRTHECOSE

MRTHECOSE

Sicc OG
#6
Oct 30, 2002
11,091
1,888
113
www.soundclick.com
#6
Operation Heavenly Hogpile - m4w

Date: 2007-04-13, 4:13PM CDT


Calling all BBWs and SSBBWs! Help make a dream come true! This is America, god damn it, and I'm an American, and there is no reason in the world why my freakiest fantasy can't be fulfilled. I recently sold my pool table in my rec room to make space for Operation Heavenly Hogpile. I covered the floor with 6 layers of foam padding, and 1/4" rubber shower liner on top. I've got 3 cases of baby oil, half a dozen strap-ons and several days' worth of classic bluegrass music piped through a kick-ass sound system. I've even prearranged to have Dominoes deliver buffalo wings, pizza, and cheesy bread every hour all weekend. All I need is 8-12 big (BIG!) lovely ladies to join the fun. Get naked, get oiled up, consume what you want, wrestle around, make a great big tangle of jiggly womanhood. I want to roll around on a cellulite sea and stick it in every hole, crevice and fold you've got. Applicants must be prepared to remove every hair on their bodies, including head hair. Eyebrows are ok, but not a single follicle anywhere else.

If you're not heavy enough to get fucked in a fold of elbow fat, don't bother responding. If you're over 18, have a minimum BMI of 35, and are ready for the best fucking time of your life, send me a photo.

Google 'calculate BMI' to find out yours if you don't know it.

God bless.

  • Location: Twin Cities
 
M

Music Nfluenced

Sicc OG
#8
Mar 30, 2006
2,969
937
113
40
#8
Heavenly Hogpile. What kind of sick shit is that? He should have them all dress in Redskins pig uniforms and oink everytime he grapples one of them and shoves his pitchfork into one of their enormous sinking mudholes.
 
MRTHECOSE

MRTHECOSE

Sicc OG
#9
Oct 30, 2002
11,091
1,888
113
www.soundclick.com
#9
SOUNDS LIKE A NICE PLACE.....
To all of my Neighbors!

Date: 2007-03-22, 10:12AM PDT


Ok we all have to live here. You people drive me insane.

Crazy Tweeker Manager- You are in your 50s. Mini skirts are not OK. I know you have kept a trim body through years of meth use but no one wants to see it. Speaking of your meth use, we can tell. When it takes you 6 hours to install a pre fabricated screen door, we can tell. When you have a 3 minutes conversation and say nothing at all, we can tell. If you ring my doorbell one more time at 2 am to tell me that someone broke into the garage, I will kick you. In the neck. I dont have a car, I dont care. Perhaps if you didnt give out keys to the "thugs" who hang around trying to get free drugs from you there wouldnt be a problem.


Creepy Staring Lady- Stop watching me, I know you think I cant see you because you hide behind the stairs, but I can. Your legs are still there. I promise you I am not going to do a dance, burst into flames or morph into an ice cream cone. You can stop looking. Also, get rid of that fucking phone. The CHIRP followed by incoherent spanish yelling is driving me insane, they are obviously on your network, so call them. Its free I promise.

Navy lady- You are quite pleasant, you always smile. Your daughter is a joy. Polite and friendly. We can all hear you screaming at her every nite. She is 13 she will "get her fucking priorities straight" eventually. Cut her some slack

Mexican family- I am not sure how you do it. We have 2 adults and a baby in our townhouse and its too small. You have 4 adults, a preteen, 2 kids and a baby. I realize the rent is a little steep but for fucks sake where do you all sleep? Oh and to the obviously adult son. You arent a thug, you arent hardcore. Stop smoking weed outside and throwing the roaches in my ashtray. Also get your ghetto gangsta wanna be friend away from my fucking door. I dont care how long its been since he has "tapped some ho" I dont care how "bad the joint was" I dont care what he stole and from whom. Get him the fuck away from me.

Weird lady and her creepy kid- Youre a bitch, youre stupid. You let the tweeker manager (see above) watch your kid while you go bar hopping. Good job! Your kid is fucked up enough without that kind of shit. Oh and we all know you have a cat, your little "say goodbye to fluffy we cant have him" and then your kid fake crying act didnt fool anyone. Plus he sits in your window dipshit. Dont glare at me when you walk by in your hooker clothes with yet another guy behind you. I didnt make you a slut.

Super nice black guy next door- You and your girlfriend are sweet and awesome neighbors, you dont complain when the baby makes noise, and you just say hi when its needed. But when youre home alone we can hear you singing to your 80s whitney houston music. Dont get me wrong its good. Its even funny, but dont come out all tough. We know your secret!

Bitchy lady- When you order a package and you know it will be sent UPS which requires a signature, send it to your work. The poor UPS guy shows up all the time and you arent home. I made the mistake of signing for a package once for you. I left you a nice note letting you know that when you get home ring the bell and I will give it to you. It would have been nice for you to say "think you" instead of "wheres my package" next time I will....nevermind there will be no next time. Fuck you.

Emo Mexicans- We can smell your weed and for some reason listening to stoned drunk guys sing Morrisey in a mexican accent isnt that appealing. Please please please shut your door.

Im moving soon so I wont have to deal with you. Maybe I will print this out and leave it for the next person who pays a ridiculous amount for this townhouse. Next person....the dishwasher doesnt work, neither does the heater. Dont try and get it fixed. You'll just get the tweekers boyfriend in your house while you arent home "fixing" things.
 
MRTHECOSE

MRTHECOSE

Sicc OG
#11
Oct 30, 2002
11,091
1,888
113
www.soundclick.com
#11
HERES A GOOD ONE



Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
 
W

WHITE DEVIL

Sicc OG
#14
Dec 25, 2003
12,356
218
0
69
#14
Let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fort

Date: 2007-03-09, 10:31AM CST


Yes, I know what you’re saying, “dude, that blanket fort sucks.” That would not be the first time I’ve heard such short-sighted criticism. Its structural integrity is dubious at best and there isn’t a whole lot of headroom. But c’mon, it’s not like I’m a freakin’ architect or anything. Besides, this little baby is just a prototype. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of love.

I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as I’d like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special lady. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet.

PS: I’m allowed to have sleepovers.
 
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