On June 6th 1999, a phenomenal event occurred in my life, what many of you would call a religious experience.
I woke up in the morning feeling really down- shit in my life just wasn’t working out, my girlfriend broke up with me, I was unemployed with no money and I was hungry. Real bad times. Anyways, I was raiding my kitchen looking for something to eat and I realized I had one bagel left and a little bit of cream cheese. I didn’t think I had enough of the cheese to cover the entire bagel, but fuck it I was hungry and desperate, so I took the bagel in one hand and I spread the cheese over it with the other and to my surprise the cheese covered the entire bagel (WITH ONLY ONE SWIPE OF THE KNIFE!!). I thought to myself, “Wow, that was amazing.” I was so certain that there was no way in hell I could use so little cream cheese to cover such a big bagel.
Right before I was about to take a bite out of this tasty bagel, I saw what appeared to be a face in the cheese. I squinted my eyes as if I recognized this face and then it hit me- it was the face of JESUS staring right at me from the cream cheese! It was truly astonishing. I stood there for a moment staring at my Holy Bagel with disbelief and then the inevitable occurred- I ate him and boy did he taste good. That’s when I realized that Jesus IS good over a poppy-seed bagel. True story.